Sunday, January 6, 2008

Sawed Off

SAW IV (2007)

I have been waiting to get my sweet titty luvin mitts on this review kiddies, oh yes. This is a mental orgasm of thought, and film based rage.

I love gore, I love horror, I love unicorns (because I love horses as well as wish granting horns, makes sense I would like the two together, right? ... let us continue).

What I don't like. I have said it before, you can have a dumb movie, or a smart movie, you can't mix them it never works. And saw has been raping my sense of film love for years now. Ever since jigsaw stood up at the end of the first film, I find myself time and time again, getting sucked in, watching another Saw flick, knowing the result will be the same. But somehow each time I begin to get into it, begin to hope... No, as expected I end up bashing my head off strategically placed anger pillars of common sense.

Okay, my first issue with Saw. I don't know how many times I have had to bask in various jack-offs telling me, 'well, I like them, because the killer has a point, you know. Like he's trying to show them the meaning in their lives'. Okay Boonsweet has a question to all you saw lovers, and Booniacs out there - has Jigsaw, the almighty genius that he is, ever succeeded... even once? What Amanda, don't bring her up. She survived only to end up going psycho, hardly a success story. And what about the very first guy, he sawed his own leg off, seems he wanted to live. But Jigsaw let Amanda kill him. Hmmm... oh, and why does he do this, well in a lovely clip in Saw 2, we find out that Jigsaw survived a car wreck and realized it was his duty from God to show others the meaning in their lives. Ow, ow, ow (there's that pain in my balls/brains again). And, I mean, there are two guys I can believe would know every thing everyone will do, and where they will be, and well, everything... God, and to a lesser degree, Batman.

Honey, I think we need to return the sideburn machine.

Okay, so I love horror.... I love gore, spit that blood you dirty zombie hooker... But the thing is Saw tries to be smart. It tries to be clever, and heck, sometimes manages to achieve this. Some cool plot twists... they even try to pretend that the 30 + million they sell in tickets isn't just to see the next gruesome kills... Why, why not just off people. Forget the plot, please, please... Boonsweet will even throw in a crackers... with relatively fresh cheese.

In this here fourth entry, we get the gore, they try to further explain Jigsaw's motivations... at this point, really, who the hell cares. More tapes, all over the place, even inside stomachs. And, sweet donkey raping cherry pirates (a new level of profanity I have created), another film that instead of really explaining itself, tries to wrap up the movie with a blast of images at the end... Like, you can actually see the bastards in the room going:

'Well Rupey, that doesn't make sense'
'No, its cool Johan, we'll just do that flashy image thing'.

Then they nod, and continue to make cocaine statues in the likenesses of Lindsay Lohan (for the record, to the best of my knowledge, there are no actual writers named Johan, or Rupey, but seemed to work for the example). You also get the introduction of Jigsaws wife, part of that further explanation of his reasons. And this time around Jigsaw has his sights set on a cop. And my god, Donnie freakin Wahlberg is still going. I mean, you're telling me after fighting to live through two freaking movies, this poor bastard still ain't earned the right to live... What has he got to do? WHAT?!

The traps are as usual, awesome, though one of the early ones, I couldn't help but stare helplessly at the screen going, for the love of God Mr. Freakin Detective, stick your gun in the gears... blonde girl saved... But no he has to run around for three minutes, then shoot at the gears... "Thank you Mr. cop. It's a wonder why you and your peers haven't caught this bastard, and, what I am sure, will be an endless, and convenient supply of assistants". After all, there's more of these on the way. Maybe by the end of the series, watching Saw will result instant vegetative state. Or spontaneous head combustion... You'll have to wear an IQ protection device placed over you head...

Ha, okay I have gone too far. It's only because I care. Every time, i see the possibility, and I mean I loved the first one, loved it... until flash image ending, and the dude standing up, oh but it made sense because he had drugs in his system that allowed him to lie there like he was dead for half a day, then wake up at the exact moment he needed to...and, ah screw it, Chuck's out this bitch. Ahhhhhhhh.... Saw why do you frustrate me so....  

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror Scale 2 out of 5 stars (you gore hounds will be satisfied, just drink yourself retarded so the plot doesn't leave you on the floor foaming from the mouth)

ONE LINE REVIEW - Cut this crap out already. Seriously. Enough. 

Peace out your face bitches
-Boonsweet out

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