Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Chiller Classics presents: Black Christmas (1974)

Greetings, my friends.  It's time once again to educate you readers who may have missed some of the classic horror growing up, and to bring back memories for those who have.  I hope Christmas has been a pleasant one for those of you who celebrate it, I know mine has been fun.  And befitting the time of year, as the title indicates, I am going to talk about Black Christmas, a flick that wasn't really held in high acclaim when first released, but over time grew to be a much loved classic.

The story is as follows: it's the Christmas season, and a sorority house of women are celebrating with a late night party.  The phone rings and a strange voice is on the other end, making various disturbing noises and obscene talking.  One of the girls yell at the voice and, after being threatened by him, hangs up the phone.  From then on, the house continues to get disturbing phone calls.  However, one by one, the girls start getting picked off by the man behind the phone calls.  A couple of the girls go to the police after one of their sorority sisters is missing for some time, but the police think it's just a prank and ignore them.  Later, they finally look into it, but not before more deaths occur.  Can the police find and stop the killer before more women die?

I am a big fan of this flick, and recently I made it a tradition of watching this as well as the 1951 version of A Christmas Carol.  This is considered to be one of the first, if not THE first of the slasher flicks, predating Halloween by four years.  You should be warned though, this is not a fast-paced movie.  There is a lot of emphasis on suspenseful moments, and heavy on character development.  The good thing about that however, is that you get amazing atmosphere, and characters that you care about and want to see survive the duration of the movie, a trait you rarely see nowadays.  I've lost count of flicks with protagonists I can't stand and want to see killed.  That's not how the so-called "good guys" should be portrayed.  You're supposed to like them and want them to live.  And Black Christmas pulls that off properly.

As well, the dialogue is surprisingly light-hearted in many scenes, with some genuinely funny lives delivered.  But when bad things go down, that heavy atmosphere re-emerges fluidly, really toying with your mental state throughout.  And, if some of you recall, this was filmed before shaky-cam came and ruined many movies for me.  Back in those days, the camerawork was something to actually appreciate, and didn't make you want to look away from the screen. 

So, for those of you who haven't seen this classic gem yet, do so as soon as possible.  And for those of you who haven't seen it in a long time, I suggest the same for you.  It is Black Christmas after all, and 'tis the season.

Movie Rating: 4 stars out of 5
Chiller Classic rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

-Ken Bucklesworth, full of Christmas cheer

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Shots, shots, Shots, shots ... because Booze saves lives


The creature feature. You get a monster, you give it people to hunt/chase/violently attack and away you go. From the early days of stop motion monsters, to men in rubber suits, to well... I guess there really isn't a whole lot of them around these days. A few straight to video flicks about a big foot slaughtering campers. Or the odd jewel in the mess - see The Host if you have not yet - but really not much out there as of late. Booooooo mainstream creation.

Enter Grabbers

Anyone remember a movie called Tremors (if the answer is no, but I think I saw one of the sequels... be ashamed of you for me, thank you). It was fun, and dang if it wasn't a little bit scary too. Giant monsters hunting people under ground... popping up all "Arg! I will kill you now" well, okay, it was all "Argggg" and various other noises but I like to think that is what they said. Any hooooo the enemies were called "Graboids" and that sounds pretty familiar to Grabbers now don't it? So I say homage intended and why not? This film is one fun fun ride.

Ok, alien rock, possibly ship, hits - lands in Irish seas. These alien creatures that look kinda like if you crossed an octopus with well... another two octopuses and then added a giant suck mouth. They start attacking the locals and sucking them dry. Enter the deputy, that is left in charge while the Chief is away - Typical - , and his quite a bit more than sidekick, the female go getter cop from the mainland. The deputy is a drunk, and well the rookie is none to impressed with the stand in boss. So, to recap; aliens land, suck humans, small town police Chief leaves drunk in charge, by the book rookie is all high and mighty... etc, etc, ... doesn't sound like crazy original right? Did I mention the drunk may actually have a heart of gold, and the by the book rookie may have to learn to let loose to save lives...

But... Buuuuuut... this movie takes those somewhat old ideas and presents them in such a damn awesome way, you will lose yourself in the good time. First, the actors, all in fact (even the bit part town drunks) are spot on. The writing is always tops. Funny, cool, and even a lil heart in there. The Deputy and the Rookie (Richard - I have been in a million things you know - Croyle, and Ruth - I think you should be in more films - Bradley) are awesome, and have a way of being charmingly drawn to each by way of sitcom gold. Second, and this, this is the big one... the one alien weakness, the one thing that might help these loveable small town humans to victory over the alien menace... Turns out they don't like alcohol, in fact it hurts them to the point of death. That's right, the only chance they have to survive is to get ridiculously intoxicated...

No, I agree, we should defs lean in and take a closer look...

Can you feel it? Huh, can you?! That is the stuff of horror - comedy - creature feature gold. From that point on its drunk hijinx, some great one liners, late night confessions, and perhaps the greatest creature back hand ever... Just... you kind of have to see it. Sounds like it might get old, or seem awkward in a well made film? Nope. They pull it off. The creature effects are great, it's not one of those - well it was really cool, if only they had a budget. This film must've had a lil bling bling behind it because it's pretty impressive. On par with the effects of most mid range Hollywood budgets.

There are a few complaints here... at some points the predictability does creep in, annoyingly so. The ending was okay, but after all the laughs, and chaos that led to it, the last line was pretty well... uncool. I could've used at least 3-5 more minutes of drunken small town folks... Ya... I am expecting an entire section of drunk people outtakes when this hits Bluray/DVD - Dec 31st. Seriously. Lastly, and this might seem a little bit like back tracking, but the two leads... it just felt rushed. No matter how well scripted and acted the charm was... still rushed.

But hey, that's a few nicks in an otherwise smoothly polished creature feature. I think given a little time this will develop a fair following... like the aforementioned Tremors. I mean, a monster movie that involves getting hammered to live... bring on the drinking games. Seriously, one of you horror movies Uni punks needs to work this shizzie out stat.

Grab a couple mates, and a couple cold ones, and enjoy.

Movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Creature feature/thriller scale 4 out of 5 stars

This will rate as one of my biggest surprises of 2012. Really came out of nowhere and entertained me for 90 minutes. Laughs, and a few well crafted scares.

- Chuck Boonsweet

for all the latest silly and social hijinx follow as at the still so very new tweetable  @BoonyBuckles.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Trailer Trash #4 (DEC 2012)

It is almost the end of the year...
and so it is time to hype you lil Booniacs, and Buckleheads into a frenzy for the coming year. And boy freaking howdy is 2013 shaping up to be one heck of a film entertainment year... assuming of course the world doesn't end in 3 days...
Unless of course you read up on that whole daylight savings thing in which case the world actually ended in may... or june... whatevs... moral of the story - I ain't afraid of no Mayan.

First I would like to say hands down my most anticipated film next year is MAN OF STEEL, a close second to STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS, and third to the blood soaked surprisingly awesome looking - EVIL DEAD... but here at Boonsweet & Bucklesworth we try to find films maybe a little off the beaten path, and well, over the next few months you will probably have the path to those three films beaten into your subconscious... soooooo... here's a couple of my early picks for fun, and celluloid love for next year...

PACIFIC RIM (July 11, 2013)

GDT (Guillermo Del Toro), director of Hellboy, and Pan's Labyrinth, directing a movie about giant robots battling giant aliens. Now I know some of you have been following this film. Heck there is a whole lotta cool to warrant your attention. Especially when you hear that the studio has been so blown away by the film that they have pretty much handed the guy a blank check for his next film. Sweet. So ya, giant aliens come through a dimensional rift and we built giant suits (Can I say Mech?) to battle them. Godzilla vs Transformers... Yup. I approve.


First... that folks is a hard R rated trailer. So be warned. A film that consists of 26 shorts, by 26 directors... examining all kinds of messy ways to bite the dust. Everything from clay-mation to death by crazy bride... this movie to me, as a horror fan, has so very many reasons to be stoked beyond reason. Here's hoping it lives up to the last anthology me and Buckles checked out... the awesome VHS.

You're so Loop-pid

LOOPER (2012)

I featured this in a trailer trash segment. So not only was I pumped for this movie. I was pumped enough to give it one of only two slots in the segment. Seriously, we do like one each a month... so ya... I was all kindz of firm nipple excited.

Here's a few reasons why. Bruce Willis, in an R-rated film, with a gun (excitement points = 7). JGL, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, hot off his awesome turn in Dark Knight Rises (and well that bike delivery one), that's worth at least... 3 excitement points. It is by the director of one of my all time favourite films Brick.
1,417,689 excited points. Dang, that's like 1,417,699 points...

I lied there is no excitement scale... but if there was... oh if there was...

So time travel was invented many moons from now, but it's super illegal. There's this problem though, in the future it's really hard to get rid of people. The Mob decided to keep a time machine, or two. Then they send a guy back to set up this whole system where people in a less future-future can be chosen to kill people that they send back. They call these people Loopers. So they have a spot. They get a time, show up, guy appears at a specific time from future with a hood on, they shoot him, money is strapped to the body.
So, job's a job and it pays well. All is going well for our fav looper JGL, until his next victim appears without a hood and it turns out to be him from the future (Bruuuuuuuuce Willis) and then Brucey knocks him out, and well... rules are; you always kill the guy that appears or you dead.

This is not the movie I was expecting. Though I suppose I should have expected more think than trigger pulling with Rian Johnson at the helm. I say to you, if you caught the trailer to this film, expect to be surprised. There is all kinds of R-rated nasty in this film. Including one of the most subtly disturbing scenes of the downside to time travel... serious... just plain gross lol. There is also an entirely different movie hidden underneath the promise of a Bruce vs. JGL vs. The future. This is not a movie of heroes. In fact both JGL and Bruce are kind of well... dicks. Selfish in their own way. So sure of the path they are on. This is a film about the power of choice. How far and deep those consequences can extend... and evermore through the currents of time...

Was that deep enough and all major film critic like?

Listen, for the last time, stop thinking and eat ya dam eggs!

Good. Cause I'm done... this film was sweet. Subtly camera awesomeness (the fall scene, and the transition for example). The leads are great. Jeff Daniels as the main bad guy just chews up scenery. His interrogation of JGL reminded me of the intensity of the opening scene in Inglorious Bastards. I was dialled in for every moment of this movie. Even as I was putting the twists together they are presented in such a fantastically cool way that my jaw was still succumbing to gravity...

The ending is a little predictable presuming you have seen a few of this type of film. Also, the whole time travel thing, and the usual questions are kind of awkwardly handled. For instance... if you travel back and then change things, how could you have come back, if that time line no longer exists... blah blah... ya exactly you are better off just accepting time travel and not thinking about it. As, funny enough, Bruce does suggest at one point to JGL, It will hurt your head.

Overall, this is one of the most originally handled creations in the genre in years... a trailer trash success story... which I believe gives as a winning percentage so far.

movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
sci-fi scale 4 out of 5 stars

Could've used a little more action... just a little. All I'm saying. Everything about this film is all star. May all you Booniacs enjoy...

Charles Boonsweet

follow our film thought, and well, A whole buncha random and occasionally entertaining thought tweetness....  @boonybuckles

Friday, December 14, 2012

'Tis the season for cadavers....


Well, my friends, the Christmas season is upon us once again.  But, don't think for a minute that either Chuck Boonsweet or I are going to shut down for the holidays just yet (not until Christmas Eve at least).  I am happy to be kicking off this month's Christmas-themed flicks, and I figured why not start with a movie from the over-saturated zombie sub-genre of horror.  We'll begin the countdown to Christmas with A Cadaver Christmas.  Have I said Christmas enough yet?  Christmas.

The story is as follows: the Janitor (I capitalize the 'J' because that's all the janitor is referenced as, therefore it's his name as far as I'm concerned.  I read somewhere his name is Chester, but I didn't catch it myself) of a University is doing his rounds late one night, when he is attacked from out of nowhere by a gang of undead.  Fending them off as best he can, he escapes the university and winds up in a bar.  Seeing the Janitor covered in blood, the bartender calls his cop buddy, Sam Sheriff (no I'm not kidding).  After some funny banter between the Janitor and the only customer in the bar, Sheriff shows up.  Outside, they all get attacked by more zombies.  After killing them, Janitor gets his story out as best he can to Sheriff.  So Sheriff, the bartender, the drunk, Janitor, and a perp who happened to be in Sheriff's car at the time, go to the university to investigate what's happening and why. 

Ok, you need to understand something: this movie is not to be taken seriously.  AT ALL.  This is a 100% "shut your brain off and enjoy" kind of fun.  Like for example, what real life situation would you find such a random bunch of people investigating anything like this.  Don't answer, don't even think about it.  You're not supposed to.  Why did I think about it?  Because I have a brain that's incredibly difficult to shut off when logic decided to check out of a flick. 

Anyway, every character is quite enjoyable (except for maybe that perp I mentioned in Sheriff's car, you'll see why later in the flick.  But he still has a few funny lines), especially Hanlon Smith-Dorsey, who played Tom the Drunk.  He has some of the funniest lines I've heard in some time, mainly because of his delivery of said lines.  The thing about this flick is it's really more of a comedy than horror, despite the name.  There is more of a focus on the characters than the zombies and the gore, but don't worry, you'll see plenty of the latter sprinkled throughout.  Daniel Rairdin-Hale was excellent as the Janitor, and a few other reviewers compared him in this to very early Bruce Campbell.  For the most part, I'm having to agree with them, though Rairdin-Hale still adds his own touch to the character which makes it really shine.  But hey, I know it seems like I singled out two characters as the best.  However, as I said earlier, every character is very fun to watch, including Kristen the cute university security/police officer wannabe who joins up with the group around mid-flick.

Negatives?  Not really.  Again, as long as you shut your brain off, there won't be a problem.  If I did have one issue, it was the Janitor's insistence of correcting the others if they call the undead anything other than 'cadavers'.  Not so much the correcting in itself, but it happens so often that it got really old and a little distracting.  However, it definitely wasn't a big enough problem to really detract from the overall performances.  

So, in the end, I find A Cadaver Christmas to be very fun.  The Christmas aspect is there, though not really shown until late in the movie.  It has gore, zombies, comedy.  There's even a couple of references to other movies in there, see if you can find them.  Watch this, preferably around the holidays.  In the meantime, Chuck and myself will have more holiday-themed reviews coming up, including our personal favorite Christmas movies.  Stay tuned.

Movie Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars
Christmas cheese rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars


Thursday, December 6, 2012

NINJA movie of the month (Dec '12)


NMOTM returns!
It takes a lot to be considered a Ninja movie of the month...
Actually it just takes Ninjas. Well, I mean lots of ninjas, and ninja related action.
Q: "But Mr. Boonsweet what is Ninja related action?"
A: "Well dear Booniacs, it is anything including, though not limited to, the following items: Ninja Kicks, flying reverse roundhouses especially, ninja stars, ninja punches, regular throat punches, a sword held to the side with both hands gripping handle (sword of course should be a katana), grown men and/or grown women wearing proper ninja attire, grown men and/or grown women wearing pyjama suits with a sash in an effort to look ninja, at least one ninja vanish moment - consisting of a smoke bomb being dropped, and when the cloud dissipates the ninja is gone...

So I would like to get right into the plot of this 1987 gem. Oh ya, I think I just rubbed my hands together in my mind in evil, giddy glee....

Ninjas are attacking drug lords - gasp - oh no! Um, around that time a band made up of five friends has just hit the Miami scene, they are Dragon Sound and they all know Tae-kwon-do. So, um, then it seems they are so awesome that the bar decides to make them the house band. The old house band gets mad, they fight with Dragon Sound, and um with the bar owner in a very weird scene. After their defeat at the hands of DRAGON SOUND the former house band seeks help from a gang, who is working with the Evil Ninja. Oh ya and just to throw some icing on the cake, the girl singer in the band who is also hooking up with a member of the band is the sister of the evil gang leader.

Top 5 greatest moments.

1. A scene where the Asian member of Dragon Sound tells the gang leader he's not afraid of him, only it's not edited, or spoken right, or both, and then the cast just leaves like everything went according to script.
2. Some fantastic violence, often coming out of nowhere.
3. The surprise revelation that they are all orphans, and the one band member has a Father in the military that is turns out may be... alive... and a two minute monologue that follows... in very little clothing, while trying to cry.
4. I'm sorry I killed your brother - It's kool, I love you.
5. I mean this, a solid 15 minutes of ninja violence at the end.

Me so angry, I cut you... I kick you...

Y.K. Kim made this movie, and only this movie. Wrote, directed, choreographed, everything. He was a Tae-Kwon-do instructor and the majority of the actors in this film were his students. I tried for a while to find out how old he was and well gave up. By a while I mean 30 seconds. Needless to say he is waaaaaaay older than his "friends" in the band. He raised the money for this film... um... apparently 1 million dollars... whaaaaaaat?! When the film was released it bombed, and now, 25 years later, it has gained almost unbelievable cult status. Being shown in theatres, and debuting on bluray.

Is it worthy?

I think so. This is one of the worst movies... ever... but in the best possible way. You will laugh all the way through this one. And hey, there are actually a few really well made fight scenes. As I mentioned, the violence is pretty decent, and you know what, Kim wanted to get all kinds of film famous, and well he sure as heck tried. This is one of those films that will be shown on drunk frat house walls for years to come. The reaction to it from modern fans on this continent and others guarantees it. Though having read up on it, it seems, those involved with the film still feel it is gaining this massive following due to its heart... and characters... and story...


People this is popcorn cheese at it's best... anyone remember the American Ninja films? If the answer is yes, and if you currently own one, or all of them lol, this is sooooo for you. To the rest... A BN (B-Ninja) movie is for a very specific group, I hope this message reaching you....

Tae-Kwon, Tae-kwon, Tae-kwon-do...

Did I mention that Dragon Sound rocks! Seriously they play two entire songs. One of them "Against the Ninja" will be in my head... forever... find it on YouTube and bask!

Oh Yeah, and Y.K. Kim is now a grandmaster and makes DVD help tapes. Ya. Ya that's no joke. There is a link from his "New American dream, and US national exercise". Um apparently you can exercise anytime, even while sleeping. And modern stress is killing us because we have no time to exercise... And this is the answer to our health crisis. You... all really need to see this... I mean... this... I really... I just have no words... Gosh this dude wants his 15 minutes.

Ahhhhhhh could this story get any awesomer. This may be my favorite review ever. Ever. The joy this has brought me.

So after the movie ends we are left with a quote... A message to all those watching. I figured it was appropriate to end this review with that statement.

"Only through the elimination of violence can we achieve world peace"

Thank and good night.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Ninja/80s ninja scale 3 out of 5 stars

- C.B. Boonsweet

Monday, December 3, 2012

CRAP! (dec '12)

So what we have here is a bonified, fo reels, new category on the old Boony & Buckles resume. You see we have a rule here... finding merit in a film. Perhaps a film doesn't tickle our fancy, but we try to find pieces of awesome, and review on its standing as a film. So that those who might appreciate it need not be turned away by our genre prejudice. Hence our two rating scales. And the fact we respect the right to keep the plot mostly under wraps so that you might check it out if so inspired.
In other words we don't simply bash a film because it will never be on our personal shelf space. However...

However... sometimes there are simply films that are so bad... either in one aspect, or all... that it simply overrules that focus of calm and clever wit, over rant and rage... So here and now, I Charles B. Boonsweet (and on behalf of my equally awesome cohort, Ken K. Bucklesworth), debut for you... the film faithful, a new category meant to highlight the absolute worst that we come across. In short - the very very bad. The horrid. The painful to watch... the must be ranted on... The Crap!

And now, here, the film that brought this lovely new special into being...


Long ago in the 80s sword and sorcery was everywhere. Knights, and warriors, and barbarians, and warrior queens, and nude barbarian queens... and one film stood out amongst them... ok.. no, no that is a blatant lie - one film marginally held its head to the same level as the rest "The Sword and the Sorcerer". Over the years it has developed a certain following. And why not it had it all... A smooth talking hero. Boobs. Extreme violence. Demon King. Of course it also had one of the most unbalanced scripts ever, some very, very uneven acting, some horrid sets... but... dammit it a three blade sword didn't just balance all that out. Did I mention the hero "Talon" could shoot the blades? Yes. So very yes. I enjoyed this film, and at the end as many of the old adventure films did... there was a message

Talon will return in Tales of an Ancient Empire.

So, original film 1982... sequel... 2010. Confused, ya me too. But then I saw that it had the original actor that played Talon in it, and Kevin "why isn't Hercules on Bluray" Sorbo himself. So ya, worth checking out I thought. I understood the risk. I knew it was a B movie. I knew Sorbo was in it. So my expectations where for indie cheese, horrible effects, and charmingly awesome dialogue.

I was so wrong so very wrong.

The film opens with a title claiming Tale #1 ... blah blah. Some robbers resurrect a demon/vampire chick. Why is there a demon vampire chick? No idea. It would seem they thought the sorcerer in the first film was actually... a... sorceress, and um... a vampire. Ok. Then a couple minutes, Tale #2 blah blah, and there is a castle under attack, and then a princess must be whisked to safety. Several tales later, Vampire Queen has killed princesses sister and she is off to find a way for revenge. Tale whatever and some former good chick is now a vampire and having a neck suck threesome with her bodyguard/lover/oldmanstalker? Don't know. Then Sorbo shows up and is awesome. Really, and even more so than usual as he dwarfs all around him. Did I mention that the princess is like a super ninja, and the daughter of Talon? I think. And Sorbo is her brother... and then they gather a whole bunch of siblings to battle the demons.

Here is the thing this movie could have been awesome. Well, like B movie awesome. But why are there title chapters? Might I add why are there title chapters that occasionally forget to exist. No freaking idea. The nudity, the little there is is shot I think by a teenage boy, who has never handled a camera before... or seen a real breast. Here is one of those rare occasions where I can say, hands down, the director destroyed this film. The constant pointless cuts. The laughingly intense close ups... that close no laughter only eye rage. Um, here's an idea, buy knives with a retractable blade. They are at most dollar stores. You press them into the gut, and you have red come out. You know, one of the oldest tricks in the filmmakers guide to the galaxy. That way you won't need to zoom in on a square of fabric That is held tight and punctured with a blade, then cut to a character holding their stomach. While we're at it why are so many people stabbed in the abdomen?

What more, wanna know why this film inspired us to create this segment? Oh there's more Booniacs. The color for example. Picture a wet mess of of stone and black and then drop a neon convenience store sign on the scene (while of course keeping your camera one to two inches from the subject). The fights, are not fights, they are images that want to coexist but keep running into each other - repeatedly. Oh and then Talon shows up, or well the actor that played him, and makes out with one of Talons daughters...? Whaaaaaaaaa....

Oh right because Talon shows up at the end, after all the heroes have um, suddenly been incapacitated and our lying at the fight of the Vampires. Then there is Talon, in a cloak, and holding his giant three blade sword... So wait, what the hell was the point of having Lee Horsley even in this thing? None. No reason what so ever. And does the man in the cloak reveal himself? Nooooooo of course not... he fires his sword, in a dazzling display of CGI the likes of which this world has never seen. By dazzling I mean - stupefying. By likes of which this world has never seen I mean - thankfully. And by CGI I mean - give me and my laptop 5 minutes and I can do it better. Yes, 1982 did it better. No joke. Then um, two vamps die, one flies away screaming it isn't over, and um... that's it. And I realize, a moment before it is done... it's not done. Nope. To Be Continued. You see at the beginning it said there were like 47 tales... and we only got through 9, 12, ah who cares....

This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And folks, I have watched things that late night drive in channels avoid lol... Quite possibly the worst film direction you will ever see. Sorbo you gave it your best, and the lead actress... she was cute, and had a few moments... and it was hard to appreciate her what with the lens inches from her face, and cutting across the room every 3 to 3.7 seconds...

Also, Worst fangs Ever!


Movie scale 0.5 out of 5 stars
Sword and sorcery scale 1 out of 5 stars.

Why even call this film Tales of an ancient empire... why have Talon in it? Why CGI the three blade sword. Why Sorbo... why....

Chuck Boonsweet... concluding CRAP #1.

Hope you guys enjoy the new segment and we got ourselves a twitter... brand new... fresh for all you Booniacs and Buckleheads... so check it out to stay in the loop... @BoonsBuckles

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Damme Gren boot face smash whomp What!?


Many moons ago action films were king. I speak of years of Nine, before the year of new millennia, when names like Stallone, and Seagal, and many more, were born of cheesy lines of one, and dangerously high levels of machismo, to become something more - action stars. One of the biggest in the mix was Jean Claude Van-Damme. To be known for the rest of this -  a recording of his fourth journey into lands of reanimated soldiers - as JCVD.

So, JCVD made many movies of boot to face action, none more successful than Universal Soldier. The film concerned Vietnam war soldiers that after dying (because the evil sergeant D. Lundgren went nuts and killed everyone) are brought back to existence as nearly invulnerable super soldiers. They of course are mindless slaves to military orders. So, I mean what could go wrong? Oh ya, they remember, good ol' Dolph - yes you may call me Drago - Lundgren goes back to being insane and Van-Damme had to stop him again.

I thought a lot about what to call this review, and then I realized, inspired by this film, it really didn't have to make sense. So there you have it.

How many years are we past the original? Who knows.
Why are Lundgren and Van-Damme now friends? No idea.
How is Lundgren back after having a metal pipe go through his head in the 3rd one? (raised hands in slow motion shrug).
Why does Van-Damme do an homage to Star Trek's Let that be your last battlefield ? Who freaking knows... and was that a slightly geek related reference, yes, yes it was.

Who knows and who cares here's what I do. Some guy played by Scott Adkins (Undisputed III, Ninja, and the evil side kick to Van Damme in Expendables 2) gets pissed at Van-Damme. Van-Damme is apparently running a new Universal Soldier rebellion. Um, Andrei "I was a real UFC champ" Arlovski, is back. After being blown up. Somehow. And he is even more ready to whomp ass. A lot of it. He is a plumber by day, and government killing machine by night. Along the way to revenge Scott will realize that all is not as it seems, oh and that he needs to have a bat fight with Andrei. And at the end Van-Damme goes trek homage, in an underground church thing. And fights, and more fights.

Yes a mano, a mano, brawl with aluminum bats. Does that make your man parts tingle? It should.

This film needs to be appreciated in one way, with your brain turned off. It's a well acted, extremely fast paced, well choreographed film (Notice no mention of the writing) Van-Damme and Lundgren taking a backseat to the emerging talent that is Adkins. I watched this film with my partner in review crime and I believe he said it best "Really, you know, I just have to stop expecting this film to make sense and just enjoy Lundgren and Damme"

Yup. There is your view rule. Think of it like 3D glasses, only when you put them on you just enjoy and think... less. I shall call them action shades.


Did I mention there is a crazy awesome hard R rated brawl in a whore house? Or the very slick showdowns sprinkled throughout?

Wait so there's clones? Ahhhhhh who knows, but that Van-Damme throws down! This is an action film for action fans. For my money part 3 is still the best contained story within the series since the original, but with each film Adkins and director John Hyams (Universal Soldier: Regeneration, Dragon Eyes) are getting better at what they do... bringing back the fun as hell man violence.

Movie scale 2.5 our of 5 stars
Action scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

I almost wanted to rate this on a Damme scale, I resisted. If you are fans of anything he has done, or like a few of us, everything... you are gunna have a blast with this one... and Lundgren is one bad dude!

-Chuck "I kick things" Boonsweet saying... wait... where did all those clones come from? No... no stupid brain... stupid stupid brain.