Thursday, January 10, 2008

One missed call? Ah it was probably tele-marketers anyway


So I like horror. I like popcorn bags jumping, I like attractive small breasted women grabbing me for support as the music builds. I Like smiling at the gore, because I am sick. And this is how I get my inner twisted smurf out.  One missed call, allowed for none of this.

First, I mean right off, I mean my ass hasn't even started to go to sleep yet, in those there crap-tack-u-ler seats. Opening scene girl sitting in front of a small pond in her back yard on phone. Notices her cat is by the pond, then looks back, cat is gone. She gets up investigates, then notices something in the water, BAM! Man hand flies up, you only see it from the elbow up, pulls her under. Then, in what can only be described as one of the funniest moments in horror history, the camera rests on the cute cat just sitting on a rock, tale flippin around, BAM! Hand flies up, snags the cat... cue title sequence. I almost laughed out loud, and I think the whole theatre was in shock. The slight good news, is that though there was cheese, it didn't get to that level again. Though maybe it should have, might have enjoyable as straight CRAP!

So, plot - something/someone/it whatever, calls your cell, its your voice and tells you how you are gonna die. Gives you the time, date, etc.

Firstly, memo to the director, "Hey douche, all the creepy critters, and makeup, and computer effects, are not scary, when they happen in extremely well lit areas, or in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, are you freaking serious". Someone needs to get this guy a horror how to book. I had to just shake my head sometimes. I swear first horror movie I've seen where kids actually sleep, and the horror happens during the day.

Do you... you you think I'm pretty?
I'm not going to get into the steak and potatoes of the plot here, all you need to know is vengeful spirit has a cell phone. I will give them credit, at least it wasn't the whole, let's explain the movie in a flash sequence at the end. It was like half way through the movie, and there they were figuring stuff out. I was like, hold up bitches, are you actually going to piece together the story during the movie... no can't be. Ha, but the story they piece together is oh so dumb. And Ed Burns runs around doing his squinty eye thing. Shit, someone needs to get this guy and Renee "I always look like I'm mad" Zellweger together, that can make squinty babies (assuming they can find each other with the lights off). My god, they'll never need sunglasses, think of the possibilities.

The end to this movie had the entire audience in "what?" state. Twice the whole theatre broke out in, "Ok, what just happen? Why is she ok? Who's the killer?" And the sister of the hoodie kid from 'flatliners' shows up to break out the poltergeist moments. Her creepy sound, are you freaking kidding me, ASTHMA!? I am sorry, I don't care how creepy the moment, if the killer needs an inhaler, I think I can make it.

Save your money, save your mind. And beat the love meat to Shannon Sassomon in something else, wardrobe, super sexy star, yes, great plan, let's dress her in baggy lose fit sweat the whole movie. Freaking brilliant. Monsters in the afternoon, sexy ladies in baggy sweats, got the A team on this flick. And by A, I mean not.

ONE LINE REVIEW - If a friend calls you about seeing this film, you know, miss it. 

0.5 out of 5 stars

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