Saturday, October 5, 2013

K. Seriously! It's a damn axe, dammit - An Axxxxxxe!


To say that Hatchet 3 (I refuse to type a capital "I" three times everytime lol) is the worst Hatchet film does not mean it's a bad film, only that 3 is not the charm as far as the series is concerned. I mean folks - (meaning violence loving freakshows like moi) - can easily make arguments for which is better Part 1 or 2 ... but I'm pretty sure no one will be making an argument for 3. Unless your who really needs to start being a little more selective with there DVD case praise. Seriously people.

Before we rant, giggle, mock, praise, and tweak nips, let us - plot...

The film picks up directly where the last ended. Our unkillable slasher, Victor Crowley, laying beneath a very pissed off Mary Beth (one of my alltime crushes Danielle "I've already forgiven you for Among Friends" Harris) missing a large portion of his head. This film starts with his head seeming quite a bit more intact then I remember us leaving it (but whatever, I digress). MaryBeth thinks its all over buuuuuutttt - he lives - and den there's a large chainsaw, blood, and MaryBeth walks into a police station holding his scalp and letting the nice police folks know everyone is dead at the swamp.
The cops then charge out, find a massacre, a swat team is called in: violence ensues. Meanwhile MaryBeth, a reporter, and a cop (The Token), head out to find the ashes of Crowley's Father. You see these ashes when handled by MaryBeth will apparently lead to Victor's permanent demise. And there you go. It's no Jason 6, but hey... its something.

Man. That must be a really, reeeeeeally big freaking tree. 
There are a few major issues with this film, and before I talk about what I liked, I really need to tear this bitch up a bit. Look... Pacing. Even in the lowest budget piece of Kaka film - pacing is important. So in a decent indie budgeted film, with a fan following... it's you know... still really important. This film opens on fire. Blood, guts, one liners, chaos. So much fun. Seriously... like 25 bodies in the first 30 minutes. That is one damn impressive ratio. When the swat team shows up the fun really gets going. But then... wow does it get boring.

I mean there must be 5 scenes of MaryBeth in the back of the police cruiser and the officer arguing with her and the reporter in his passenger seat about losing his job, and the trouble he's in... and how he should bring MaryBeth back, blah, blah. I get it. You're breaking the law, and you are driving somewhere to get ashes to kill a ghost that slaughters people. It's a weird day for you guys. But damn... like I GET IT move on. Another extended scene. Crowley sawing through the metal wall of a boat to get to a few of the people that didn't die in the first half hour...

Soooooo... it took you 30 minutes to off basically everyone. And then I need to see what... 4 scenes of 2-3 minutes showing people cowering in a boat with sparks flying? So F'n boring. I get it, writer Adam Green wrote a 60 page script and you guys had no idea how to make this movie a purchasable length... so every plot point had to be dra-ah-ged out to fill the last hour. But maybe, if you were gunna do that you could off drawn out the opening instead... Imagine going to a racing film and the hero won the championship in the opening 30 minutes and the rest of the film was about how there was a car... and he was eventually going to drive it on a dirt road... I mean ok, that was a shit analogy... but the point is... you can't open at 98 miles an hour and then but that B on cruise.

Do I need to put a caption? No, if you're a Booniac, your sick mind has it covered. 
You wanna make this movie 90 minutes how about extending a damn fight sequence! I mean first in part 2 you bail on the Tony Todd vs Crowley (aka Kane freaking Hodder) fight. And then you put the guy that played Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th (2009) in a film with the guy that is Jason to so many fans of the genre... and you build to a fight... and then it ends in 3 seconds. Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Is it funny to mind rape your fans? Hmmm? You bangkok quarter tease (I just made that up, not sure from where) the audience and giggle in the back? Or are you just that incompetent? I really want to know. Twice. In the same franchise... one that gave hope back to the indie slasher genre... you have provided what should be horror freak joy, only to spit in our faces.

For shame!

Moving on... To the good.

Listen, the last half of the movie is boring. The fun and crazy cool of the first 2 is long lost by the time the credits roll... still, the opening 30 minutes is a damn blast. And the last 5 are decent. I mean there is enough head ripping, torso tearing, limb removing, and Crowley mean mugging to satisfy your deep twisted giggle needs. The plot about ashes and killing Crowley for real... you wont care about it, because it distracts from blood every time they cut to it... Buuuuuut Sid haig (yes!) shows up to be awesome for like seven minutes... so that's something. Danielle Harris' MaryBeth is pretty much happy to just tell everyone to F off, and goes inexplicably from Slasher destroyer to whiny scared girl ... not sure why... whatever, she's still cute, and she takes time to get naked and not show you boobs. So you know... Wait... what was I saying...?

Ok... this whole saying good things isn't going so well. Sigh.
One more time...

There is a lot of violence. Kane Hodder is always fun to watch dismembering people. And you can fast forward to the ending after they hit the boat and miss nothing (A brief play for the Sid scene of course). And probably feel better about your life, and the state of horror. There are some really funny moments in here... but unlike the first two they are seldom. But the usually fun Perry Shen shows up again (has a great line about all asians looking the same lol) to be the best thing in the last half of the film.

The female cop and Shen shoulda hooked up in the boat... like this is it - we're gonna die, I want have sex again... a last time. Then bam, entertainment, boobs, and then you know... less boredom. People really need to just start running things by me before they DTV this shizzie.

Seriously... Adam Green. Ask for help man... I get you didn't know what to do... I know it was hard... But damn it... be a man, reach out. Sometimes the first step is admitting... Or letting someone else direct. And on that note, BJ MCDonnell does a great job directing the action, and non action. You won't notice Green's absence behind the camera.

Hey listen, I hate cause I love. The first two Hatchet films really surprised me. They were a blast and some of the few really note worthy entries in recent slasher history. So, now, my expectations were higher. And this film just didn't pull it off. But it is still better than 84.7% of horror dropping fresh out there. More gore for your buck than anything else I can think off... and well, maybe that should be enough, and I'm just a picky punk... with delusions of Ebert.


Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 2.5 out of 5 stars (only because of the opening 30, that is a gore influenced scale folks)

The horror keeps on horrifying... the terror keeps on terrifying... the blood keeps on... ah you get the point.

Love Fall.
Hope you Booniacs are loving it too...
Play safe.
And don't take the boat trip to the swamp... ever...


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