Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Orc you a fan of Lord of the Rings?

ORC WARS (2013)

Ok. Before I go into anything, I need to pause and tell you the plot of this here Indie Adventure.

A man, John Norton (played by my new fav action name - Rusty Joiner), is a man scared by his time in the army. He just wishes to get away. A very helpful brooker, Katie (played by the very attractive, and equal awesome name having, Clare Neiderpruem) helps him find a piece of land in the middle of nowhere. A place he can live his days out far from the city, and people. So he shows up at his new place, fixes a rocking chair, and then... A elf princess (played by an appropriately wide eyed and sexy Masiela Lusha. Side seriously what is with the names in this movie, awesome) shows up on his property... and the army of Orcs chaining her... and it turns out he might be the fated protector of a dimensional gate.

So. Ya. I mean how could I not watch this film. That plot there has cult status written all over it. And here's where things get really fun, the ORCS are straight out of Lord of the Rings. I mean it's like a makeup guy from those films agreed to recreate his work for a friend or something lol. So i really had no idea what to expect from this movie. My expectations were low, I mean low low, but I am always ready to love... you know... my scared, scorned, movie heart, never gives up... and I have to say this film really impressed me.

Dances in the Orc Kingdom, are very impressive, and complex.
It opened up with the Orcs chasing the princess, then they chase her through the gate to our world. They keep talking about fearing a wizard... then an old guy dressed like Indiana Jones, and carrying a small arsenal, shows up and blasts all the Orcs with shotguns, handguns, whatever he has on them. They run away. And he dies telling the princess another "Sentinel" will come. I ah, I did not see guns coming in this flick.

Turns out out realm is the only one with guns, bombs, all that, so this poor Orc race thinks we are Wizards. There is something just fun as hell watching John Norton mow threw a platoon of Orcs (swinging swords and shields) with an Ak-47... on his 4-wheeler. Hey, these folks get it. The people that put this flick together. They made it fun. And sexy. Katy and the Elf Princess are super hot, and often in tight clothing. The one liners are pretty damn entertaining. The supporting cast is likable (eyeless indian guide, and a redneck named scooter). Honestly, I don't think I've seen this much action in a long, long, time.

Favorite scene of the movie: Orc getting shot with a high powered sniper rifle in his "special parts". Watching his face contort, as he flies into the air holding his crotch is the stuff of legend people. The stuff of legend. The Orcs really do look great. The design for the costumes and everything is ripped right from Lord of the rings, and I don't think thats a bad thing its well done.

Did I mention there's a dragon?

In a way this is a straight from the late 80s sword and sorcery flick with guns thrown in. And I am ok with that. Think Deathstalker (1,2,3, or 4) with a shotgun.

Ya. Tell me that doesn't look like a grade B good time.

This movie was a blast, but they missed a few steps to really elevate it to cult classic/Indie gold status. 

1. Killing off the supporting cast. That was a big error. There was an opportunity to have John Norton hook up with his Agent and guard the gate together. And they establish her as being badass. I think that would have been an awesome twist. A few other characters that die are not as big a deal, still, it did take away some of the insane fun that you feel for a good portion of the movie.
2. CGI blood. Everywhere. Everytime. I know it has to be getting harder to find good makeup people, but this just felt like a complete Savetimedoitthisway type thing. They even CGI good fire at multiple parts through the movie. It really doesn't take away that much as long as you are prepared for it. But, really, every freaking time watching a splash of CGI blood is just sad. This movie with some great practical, man, would've really changed the feel of the flick.
3. The very ending, kinda lame, after all the awesome action and such. I mean the Orcs and how they act doesn't really seem to make sense. And our hero, with the tone, and fun romp the film was, shoulda had some girl wrapped around his holding his gun high, silhouetted against the sun. You know. A little more Ash in Army of Darkness style - gimme sum sugah baby.

But, if you don't mind the crazy amounts of CGI crap, and bad CGI at that, you are in for a well acted, written, and very action packed fun time. The ending does lose some steam. But the man fights a dragon. And there is a super sexy elfen princess... I mean. Do you need more?

Came so close to being a film you'd see on bluray special addition, and cult flick shelves everywhere. It would be nice to see someone step up and take the idea, throw a lil cash on it... and tweak a couple things. Buckets of blood in there... and BAM! It would be an epic R rated adventure. As it is, a surprisingly fun effort on a non existent budget. That for the most part succeeds more than it fails.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Action scale 3 out of 5 stars

I hopes a few people check this out. Be warned, like I said - No budget. But I had a great time with it. And sexy elfen Princesses... always a fun time.

Mmmmmm... pointy ears. 
Boonsweet is off to buy a creepy crappy house and wait for my sexy elf to show. I'll save you girrrrrrrrrllllllll.


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