COLUMBIANA (2011)
God there are so many things wrong with this movie.
So the question is then, why did I enjoy it so?
So plot. Evil drug lord in Columbia kills a man and a woman who happen to have a child, who watches them die. Child happens to be like ridiculous limber, and ninja like, escapes, grows up to kill people all the while working her way back to the evil drug lord. I know right, don't you feel this needs to be from the 70s, possibly eighties... Well it's not, 2011 baaaabee, and here we are. Okay, you need to shut your brain off.
And turn your heart on.
Yup, I went there, ol' boony is asking that your head shall lead not your heart from violent, sexy joy. I know, I know, my way with words is like art. But the fact remains there is a good movie in here, and why, and how, do they accomplish that while making little to no coherent sense? Zoe Saldana. Damn. She is so good in this film, that the rest, really, F--- it. It's just fun. The violence is great, the bad guys are so completely stereotypically over the top I feel Steven Seagal (circa On Deadly Ground) would slide right in here. Though probably rather awkwardly into Zoe's one piece spandex.
This is a powerhouse performance from a beautiful woman, in what is a B movie. You can't take your eyes off her, and furthermore, she actually made me believe her tiny, "Yes you may lick the whip cream from the nip" fine, self could be capable of such cold hearted death dealing.
There will b some genuine head scratcher moments....
#1. Um... how did he just shoot those cars in daylight, with all those witnesses and not get caught?
#2. Why didn't she just unlock the gate before she drove through it?
#3. Why aren't the sharks eating her? (okay in fairness I know sharks are not all evil. In fact they are horribly misunderstood creatures and not the man eaters the world has made them to be.... Blah blah... I repeat, why in the H-E_ double hockey sticks... That's HELL, are the sharks not eating her)
#4. Statement : I want to be a killer... Rebuttal: Ok.
#5. Can toothbrushes really do that?
Ya that last one... damn.
But its fun. It's action packed, and Zoe is great. Strangely enough her A-typical relationship with a man that doesn't know who she is - Actually enjoyable. The ending to the movie was actually quite good I thought. Dare I say unexpected in such a straight forward revenge flick. Course the song helps :)
All in all, popcorn gold. And if you are male, probably even more so.
Movie scale 2.5 our of 5 stars (only because really, Zoe is the man, so to speak in this flick. Her performance does make you forget the cheese around her, sometimes)
Action scale 3 out of 5 stars... It really is a blast watching her whomp folks. And just... so much sexy.
- Chuck "Give me mo' Sal- dananananana" Boonsweet.
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