Sunday, July 13, 2014

Widows are angry...


The opening of this film is so pointless I almost chuckled. Now, before I get into that, I wanna say I know this is an indie production (with involved no less). So there are allowances I will make for independent productions. Effects. Acting. But writing don't cost a thing. So there ain't no excuse for bad writing.

So this opening. A guy with a camera wanders onto an abandoned property. Only it's not abandoned, it is home to the BLOOD WIDOW (insert scary music here). Really, there is no reason for this scene to exist. I get putting it into the film if you killed the photo guy in a horrible and awesome way and then cut to a guitar rift for the title drop... But no. The death is in the dark, and without awesomeness.

The story a young couple are buying a house... and you know what I'm gunna stop this right there and say What the hell is this couple doing buying a house? I mean it's like they met at a party on friday and bought the house on sat. They have no real chemistry, in fact, it seems they really don't know each other that well... ah whatever. Sigh. Writing. So anyway, this new house is beside evil Blood Widow house, and when the friends wander over to explore... Blood Widow is unleashed.

OMG. There's 37 minutes of this movie left. Run. Runnnnnnnn.

The editing and the sound are well, not good at some parts. But again, I can allow for this, independent horror - WHOOP! What's that? You brought a crossbow to your new house... Ya. Why not - Might have to shoot a moose or something (actual line from the film).

Ok. Look. Horror doesn't need much... but there is so little here you will actually want to tap out like ten minutes in. And you can, unless you run a blog, where you try to inform the world about just such things... in that case you have to man up... sit there and take it. Because you are a critic... a hero to the masses... trying to save them from the horrors of the film world...

I should probably get a cape. After this. A cape.

There is no redeeming quality to anyone in this film. The boyfriend is a Jerk. The girlfriend is well, backboneless. The friends... I mean really who does this... in this order. 1)Break into an abandoned house. 2) Start breaking things 3)piss on the floor. Ya. In that order. Hahaha I mean what the hell? ShockTillYouDrop... You rely entirely on the horror genre. How could this get by? It's really not that hard to make a decent slasher.

The directing is really bad here. One scene in particular stands out when a guy is suppose to surprise his girl. You know, for a jump scare, only the camera is positioned so you can actually catch a glimpse of him behind her before he grabs her. Coooooooome on people.

Me and my corner store crossbow got this. 

Gore. Cool. Boobs. Funny. Scary. Gore. That's it.

Listen I know there are those out there that are like - Hey Boony, don't be so mean. I mean these crazy kids are just living their dream, making a movie. Yes. I get that. And bravo. But there are just too many good, or slightly more than bad, indie horror films out there with micro budgets to excuse this film. Empty Rooms comes to mind as a film with a similar budget that still managed to be a)a little creepy and 2) kinda cool... why? and how? Writing, and some inventive camera work...

There is nothing, and I mean nothing to make this film stand out. Every part of it is trying to be something that has already been done and done better 1.82 million times.

Oh, and in case violence might be enough... and hey, I would understand that my dear GoreHounds... There is some violence. Yes you've seen it a the aforementioned amount of times (Knife in stomach intestines fall out) but hey, if you like practical, maybe you might get a smile at a couple of the endings. You know what hell I'll say this... the gore and the killer were probably cool enough that of every other aspect of the film didn't suck they might of had something here... not a lot but, something.

Doesn't everyone know about the double tap now? If you just watched the last ten minutes... and skipped the first whatever... Ok Damn it I'm just trying to find something positive here. A WIDOW IS A WOMAN THAT HAS LOST HER HUSBAND, NOT A GIRL THAT LOST HER FAMILY... (cough, deep breath) sorry just had to say that.

Movie scale 0.5 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 1.5 out of 5 stars (just for the blood)

Gotta say I am looking forward to Gathering with my boys this week for a good ol' fashioned horrorathon. Some HD classics... oh yes. Yet part of me is sad I keep finding myself returning to the classics for my fix... dammit!

-Charles B. Boonsweet.

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