Monday, July 28, 2014

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)


A horror movie involving a bunch of wicked sexy cheerleaders? Yup. I'm in.
Give me an "R" - R!
Give me an "E" - E!
Alright... screw it. I was gunna spell REVIEW but I'm not fit, and well, my pom poms... are here for different purposes (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Let's get up in this yo. Your story goes - A girl joins the cheerleading squad to tear them apart (revenge of the outcast type stuff, of course she is wicked cute). This leads to lesbian sessions, violence, undead cheerleaders, a witch bitch with some magic rocks, and a jock with a hard on for killing cheerleaders.

Yup. There you go. Tell me that plot line don't get you excited. It should. Ok, before the good... a quick note.

I want to take a moment and share with you a small, very small, problem. This is a B Horror film the likes of which we haven't seen in a while. Yet, at their core, these are films that despite the female fans out there... are made for a demographic that consists of 90% young men... and men who used to be young men, and boys that will be young men... sooooo....

THE ISSUE is, you have a movie crammed with super sexy cheerleaders, an R rated one no less... blood flying around, and sadly the naughty, is pretty dang limited (frowny face)...

Thumbs... are... *nom nom... so delicious... mmmm
I know, I know, I'm petty. I can't help it, I lived through the glory days of the slasher. 1. Violence 2. Sex. 3. cool, ... thems the rules. The blueprint. Maybe, in with these politically corrected rules, rampant sex, drugs, and the consequences that come with are no longer cool... Wait, what about that Friday the 13th remake...

Back to the film. Other than that one admittedly insignificant issue... this is hands down one of the best indie horror films I have seen in a long time. Blueprint point 1 + 3 - in spades. Perhaps almost as important the "Kids" in the film look like kids. Well, at least they look no more than early 20s ... as opposed to a film where the highschoolers look like they're 35 and left their kids in the trailer at the back of the set. My Billy Joe, what a sweet 5 O'clock shadow you have. 

Next up, not only is the main cast, sexy, and age appropriate... they can act. Mostly smaller names, to complete no names... but this is a cast that came to throw down. Caitlin Stasey as the lead, more than she appears type lady is great, and Brooke Butler is rather wonderfully crazy - and all kinds of a sexy good time. And you know how they can throw down? THE SCRIPT rocks. Finally... FI-NAl-LEE, a horror film that doesn't have to try so hard to be cool it simply is.

How many times have you watched a film labelling itself - A throw back to the glory days of horror. 80s horror at its core. A love letter to the golden era of the slasher... blah blah blah. Those films try so painfully bad to be cool, and just can't be... because you have to be your own film... and stake your awesomeness on that without trying to be something! You can't just follow the rules you have to make your own cool within em folks, take notes Booniacs.  The lines come quick, smart, and I had more than a few giggle and high five moments with my boys.

She's... right behind me isn't she... 
Wait, do men giggle? Right, um we laughed with a manly tone and then chest bumped.

The story takes a ton of crazy twists but the writing un like sooooooo many of the films I have be disappointed by (most listed on this here very blog)... keeps up. The cast relishes and sells every bit of crazy and it is a BLAST! Blood, zombies, stoners, and one poor nice guy... this film never stops to catch it's breath once it gets going.

Yes. You can find a few flaws if you really dig into it. You have to except a certain level of lunacy... and I say this all the time... You have to acknowledge the Lightening theorem. That is what I bring up any time someone says they love the 80s/90s horror but hate the new stuff. Listen they resurrected JASON with a lightening bolt. That was it. Jason was dead, and then lightening hit him and he was up and ready to kill. FREDDY killed you in your dreams! In your freaking dreams.

I think it's only fair I accept lesbians with magic floating rocks. Right? Enough with this horror hypocrisy. And... Body double boobs.

Bottomline this film is pure fun, energy, and cool. All three show up occasionally in the indie horror genre. But together? That is a rarity. The writers and directors, really knew what they had here.

A great gory treat. Right along the lines of DETENTION (review HERE ) as just a balls out crazy fun bit of genre film making. I hope this one finds the audience it deserves.

I will say the boys vs Girls thing got a little out of hand, but I didn't hate it. Woulda liked nice boy to get a little more for his efforts. Maybe a Goth chick vs Jock superpower showdown, but hey, sequel to follow I'm sure.

Movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 4 out of 5 stars

Ya, this is a film for a specific crowd, and to that crowd I will say - enjoy! To the rest, if it ain't your thing, don't be hatin'

- Charles B Boonsweet is off to work on my tumbling... And by work on my tumbling I mean lie on my floor and stare at my TV.


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