There will no forgiving this...

ONLY GOD FORGIVES (2013)

Wow.
So you have a brilliant writer/director, Nicolas Winding Refn (the would be heir to genius throne creator of Drive, Bronson, Valhalla Rising), a great actor, Ryan Gosling, a killer story about gang violence, and dirty cop goings on in Thailand. I mean what could go wrong?

How about everything. Yup, everything. Oh, Booniacs, buckle up kiddies we are going in a deep dark rant here... I mean, you might wanna hydrate. Seat ya damn selves.

Plot: White kids (Gosling being one of em), two brothers, run a drug business in Thailand for their Mom (and the mob family). A cop who used to be a thai fighter, now runs the whole scene in Thailand. Gosling aka Julian, his brother is all kinds of twisted and decides, seemingly for no reason, to kill and rape a young Thai prostitute. The cop then lets the father of the girl brutally kill Julian's brother. Why? Who knows. He's twisted I guess. Anyway, Mommy shows up from america and wants justice... thereby leading to an unavoidable crossing of paths (showdown) between her forces and that of the Thai cop.

Ok. Now, before I start I wanna make a few... Little, tiny, things clear. This is a near awe inspiring film. If you appreciate the art of film making, yet again, jaw dropping. The camera work, lighting, acting, colors, tone, all of it, brilliant. You may have one of the more intriguing Villain, would be hero, arcs ever created. Especially considering the 90 minute run time.

So, I understand that there are gunna be art house addicts, and all kinds of other film freaks out there talking about how "Daring" and "original" and Blah blah, this film is. And despite the people that have walked out of this film during film festivals, those that remained, surely left saying "My those people are not true film fans. They have lost their way". Well, if you have been following me since I was chaotically birthed into the blog-a-sphere, then you know a few things about me.

1. I like a Good showdown.
2. I love original and daring film, as long as it pays off in the end.
3. An ending. It doesnt matter how good the film is. The ending is the most important part. Period. No excuses.
And 4. I am dangerously addicted to hot sauce, and spicy foods.

Ok. 4 is not really important to this review... Mmmmm hot sauce.... Ok... 1+2. This movie actually stole both of those things from me. I was in folks. From the first slow moving camera shot, to the weird twisted nature of the narrative, Charles B. Boonsweet was IN! And as it began to move towards the end, in my mind I was begging it... Begging this supposed genius director to just please... remember drive... remember the joy a solid ending brings an audience... Remember me, Boonsweet. But NO!
Nooooo he rips it all away.

Oh. God. So I just pretty much do this face? For 90 min? Ok. I can do that.

When the showdown between Julian and evil cop comes (and believe me it is set up well - the "Want to fight" line is gold), I was on the edge of my seat and den- its a one way whomping, and for no apparent reason. Then, well, there appears to be a second showdown on the way... but no, we get denied that in favor of slow motion, nonsense, and a Karaoke.

The supporting characters are actually very interesting. The Thai girl that Julian actually cares about. His twisted mother, heck the Thai Cop is fun as hell. But here's my Point: WHY PUT ALL THAT EFFORT INTO BUILDING A CLIMAX IF YOU DON'T WANT ONE?! Oh right, its because this is an art house director. And after Drive, he was bound and determined to crap all over his audience to show them just how brilliant he is.

Ha. Ha.

Good call.

This actually reminded me of how I felt after another little indie WTF flick - Holy Motors which I was not very kind too. Because Damn I loved it, and I love ONLY GOD FORGIVES, and they both just decided to give up on ending the story in any kind of way that was beautiful, or wonderful, or fantastic... no they opted to be all I made a movie, and I'm smarter than you - worship my genius. You don't understand the ending because its way deeper than the mainstream. 

After this film I am serious doubting I will ever watch another film directed by this guy. Well maybe directed but certainly not written by. This and Valhalla Rising have proved that this guy is something close to amazing, but so caught up in his own art that he forgets others be watching. I know, the old argument - Art is whatever the Artist creates. No one can Judge art. Well, I beg to differ. Opinions, are always valid. And this website is just mine.

No seriously... I think it will look better on you. 

Like I said, many folks will support this film, but to me it falls sooooooo far from DRIVE I can't imagine anything worthwhile coming from this source for a bit.

Ahhhhh I'm just so damn frustrated. This film is amazing, and then after the fight, just straight down... Whooooooop. If the last 20 minutes of this film had paid off, man, we may have been calling this a straight master piece.

This Director Mister Winding Refn has had the benefit of working with some truly amazing actors, and actresses. Really putting life in his films, with the addition of his awesome work on camera, its just a shame he didn't step up and make a damn stand up cheer (or at least fist pump) ending. But hey, some people are just determined that part of art is never being fully accepted. Taking rejection as a sign of triumph. Well... congratulations sir... congrats.

A couple of you might be wondering why this isn't a CRAP! review. Well, as you can see, I loved much about the film, except the ending. The film is just way to well made, and stylized, to be anything close to CRAP! worthy. In this case... I am a reviewer scorned... deeply scared, and ranting, because he loved....

Art does not exempt plot. Or climax. Or structure.

Movie scale 2 out 5 stars
WTF/ART movie scale 2.5 out 5 stars

I am so bummed right now. Prob take me a bit to get the stain of this one out of my head.

-Boonsweet.

Chiller Classics Presents: Pumpkinhead (1988)

Hello and welcome to another session of Chiller Classics. Today, as you probably figured out, I'll be talking a little about a movie that I watched recently for the first time in over a decade, Pumpkinhead.  It was on my "to watch" list for quite a long time, but there was always a reason that I never got around to watching it, be it another movie took precedence or just life in it's many distracting forms.  But that is finally a thing of the past now.  So allow me to take you back to one of the best decades ever for horror, the 80s.

The plot is very simple: One day Ed Harley (Lance Henriksen) goes to mind his store with his son Billy.  While there, five teens from the city drop in to stock up on some food for their cabin and do a little dirt-biking in the area while parked.  Harley takes off to deliver something to one of his customers and leaves Billy to mind the store.  Billy's dog runs out the door to chase after the dirt bikes, with Billy making chase.  He accidentally gets smashed by one of the dirt bikes ridden by teen Joel, and Joel panics and drives off.  The rest of the teens go to their cabin to call for help, except for Joel's brother who stays behind with Billy.

Even Pumpkinhead can't resist taking selfies.

Harley returns to find Billy on the ground, and drives off with him.  Sadly, Billy later dies in Harley's arms. Devastated by this, Harley takes action.  He has heard of an old woman who lives in the nearby hills who has strange powers and tries to get info as to her exact whereabouts. Upon getting the info, Harley immediately makes his way there.  Unfortunately she is unable to bring Billy back to life.  However, she offers an alternative plan: to summon a revenge-taking demon called Pumpkinhead to find and punish the teens responsible for the death of Harley's son.  Harley goes through with it, but because he is linked to the demon by blood, he psychically sees and feels the suffering that the demon causes.  Unable to bear it any longer, he goes out to try and stop the destruction he has started.

Pumpkinhead is a gold mine of 80's horror and cheese.  Admittedly, there are a few issues revolving mainly around the talent level of the supporting cast, as well as some weak dialogue.  But let's face it, you're only going into the movie to see Lance Henriksen and the Pumpkinhead demon dishing out payback to some dumb city kids.

Ed Harley's hatred of pitchforks was not unfounded.

Even though effects legend Stan Winston directed Pumpkinhead (Winston's directorial debut I might add), he didn't actually do the effects this time around, instead delegating the responsibility to a team of effects artists.  And an incredible job they did.  I personally love how Pumpkinhead looks, and I thought it was a nice touch that Pumpkinhead's face eventually altered shape to gradually take the likeness of Harley's face. Despite the premise of a demon remorselessly killing off people, the movie is not nearly as gore-filled as you might expect it to be going in.  But it still delivered enough to satisfy.

Admittedly, I never really got around to seeing the sequels after all this time.  I do recall one of the sequels being on TV once, and I also recall me turning it off after seeing that whoever was responsible for that particular sequel thought it would be a great idea to go with a CGI Pumpkinhead for the part I watched.  A VERY shitty looking CGI Pumpkinhead I might add.  Maybe sometime if I feel like punishing myself for something I'll dip into the sequels and see what comes of it.  For now though, I'm still feeling that happy feeling after seeing the classic original, and I urge you to make it a part of your Halloween watching quota.

Movie Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
Horror Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

- Ken Bucklesworth.

@KenBucklesworth, @BoonsBuckles

Bloody post apocalyptic boobs.

BOUNTY KILLER (2011, 2013)

How to make a Chuck B. Boonsweet movie: 2 Shots violence, 2 shots cool, 2 shots sex, then fill glass with OJ. Yup. There you have it the Boonsweet special. And this movie might be the closest I have seen in a while.

Your plot. Well, the corporate world got so greedy they destroyed the world. Now, the survivors, trying to put their world back together, created a council of judges. This council orders hits on surviving members of the Corporate apocalypse. The greatest of these is DRIFTER, and a close number two the blood thirsty, and sexy as hell - MARY DEATH (Played by the never heard of her, she is now a nerd hero - Christian Pitre). Turns out they have a complicated past, that past will intersect with a crazy new Corporate plan to reconquer the world. Through a sea of post-apocalyptic CGI landscapes and crazy gypsy cannibals, they will try to save the world, and each other.

Can we just take a moment to really appreciate my plot summarizing skills. I mean damn, I am really coming along here.

If you fancy yourself a fan of Grindhouse cinema. Perhaps a troublemaker studio teeshirt branded Robert Rodriguez supporter. Or maybe you have just watched THE ROAD WARRIOR so many times you have begun to add spikes and spear launchers to your automobile. This is your movie. If you love cheesy, violence filled, sexy filled, cinema... this is your movie. And damn it, if you have a soft (or hard) spot for sexy brunettes in modified nurse outfits with large guns... This is your movie.

In the future, stage coaches are driven with motorbikes. I know. Sweet 

So, understandably... this is a Boonsweet friendly film. I had so much fun with this flick. What is going on? Back to back indie films unexpectedly entertaining me. Will wonders never cease? This is why I still wade through the endless crap of modern film, because, every so often, BAM! I am reminded why I love movies. Fun. That kinda giggle inducing feeling I had the first time I watched some classic romp through my childhood.

Hey. Is this film a classic? No. But its everything else you could ask for from an Indie KICKSTARTER funded flick. The CGI even though used a lot, is not that bad. I was worried too. The opening action sequence is very badly shot, and lit, and I was already worrying that the film would slip into mediocrity. But then, all of a sudden, there is this brilliant shot of a moonlit maiden, and a kick ass line and I was all... Director Henry Saine and writer Jason Dodson might just have a handle on this. They might just pull this crazy bitch off.

Now if you believe the box art, and IMBD they list this as starring Matthew Marsden (the main DRIFTER) and Kristanna Loken. Though miss Loken is hardly in this flick, the movie is entirely held together by the screen presence of MARY DEATH. The chemistry between her and Drifter is awesome. Burns up every scene they are in. Thats right all you indie bastards that screw it up - its not just about trying to make a cool movie on a tiny budget. Its about putting heros in your flicks people want to root for.

That folks, is post apocalyptic sex appeal. Giggity. 

Did I mention Mary Death just oozes sex appeal, and she revels in it. Its obvious everyone is having fun here, and it only adds to you the crazy film lovers enjoyment. I mean a film where the way to buy your way across the quarantined Badlands is with a six pack of long lost Pabst Blue Ribbon? Come on, gold people. How about a Bounty killer fan, wanting to be Drifter's gun caddie, even though he sucks. imagine a scene with the two of them training... driving on bikes side by side, and the Caddie tossing weapons to drifter from his golf bag... Genius is a strong word. By, hell, that is some cool.

Its a nice touch having the "Gangs" being all dressed unique. For instance all the corporate baddies are in suits and yellow ties. The Gypsys in leather and face paint.

This is not a film for everyone. If you have tried to watch Desperado, Mad max, Planet Terror, and such things, and just end up saying to yourself Who the hell could watch shit like this? Well, I respect your opinion. But as I am one of the many that does, let me warn you. Not for you. Defs not for you.

As with any of these new age indie pics, the CGI (even though its not as bad as some) is still annoying from time to time. They do a good job of not relying on it every time. Adding in a ton of real old school practical gore to satisfy your bloody needs. Also the director has a good handle on the presentation, and manages to get some pretty cool shots out of a cheap CGI created destroyed earth. The performances in the flick are on too. Exactly what they need to be, cheesy, fun, and some heart. The whole "so in love with you I want to kill you" theme of the main relationship is a nice bit of tragic lover insanity.

Its cheap. Its fast and furious. Blood soaked. Its a good time people. If you are into this sort of thing. I'm sure the underground community will be all over this flick (Much like the not quite as cool Bitch Slap). Hopes to see a sequel too.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Post-Apocalypitic/Sci-fi scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Grab a beer, chips, friends, and cheer all the way through. I think this is a film for a certain audience, and unashamed to be so. As a member of that audience I thank you. I thank you all.

Fav line: After a swing of beer "It tastes like boobs"

- Charles B.

Orc you a fan of Lord of the Rings?

ORC WARS (2013)

Ok. Before I go into anything, I need to pause and tell you the plot of this here Indie Adventure.

A man, John Norton (played by my new fav action name - Rusty Joiner), is a man scared by his time in the army. He just wishes to get away. A very helpful brooker, Katie (played by the very attractive, and equal awesome name having, Clare Neiderpruem) helps him find a piece of land in the middle of nowhere. A place he can live his days out far from the city, and people. So he shows up at his new place, fixes a rocking chair, and then... A elf princess (played by an appropriately wide eyed and sexy Masiela Lusha. Side seriously what is with the names in this movie, awesome) shows up on his property... and the army of Orcs chaining her... and it turns out he might be the fated protector of a dimensional gate.

So. Ya. I mean how could I not watch this film. That plot there has cult status written all over it. And here's where things get really fun, the ORCS are straight out of Lord of the Rings. I mean it's like a makeup guy from those films agreed to recreate his work for a friend or something lol. So i really had no idea what to expect from this movie. My expectations were low, I mean low low, but I am always ready to love... you know... my scared, scorned, movie heart, never gives up... and I have to say this film really impressed me.

Dances in the Orc Kingdom, are very impressive, and complex.

It opened up with the Orcs chasing the princess, then they chase her through the gate to our world. They keep talking about fearing a wizard... then an old guy dressed like Indiana Jones, and carrying a small arsenal, shows up and blasts all the Orcs with shotguns, handguns, whatever he has on them. They run away. And he dies telling the princess another "Sentinel" will come. I ah, I did not see guns coming in this flick.

Turns out out realm is the only one with guns, bombs, all that, so this poor Orc race thinks we are Wizards. There is something just fun as hell watching John Norton mow threw a platoon of Orcs (swinging swords and shields) with an Ak-47... on his 4-wheeler. Hey, these folks get it. The people that put this flick together. They made it fun. And sexy. Katy and the Elf Princess are super hot, and often in tight clothing. The one liners are pretty damn entertaining. The supporting cast is likable (eyeless indian guide, and a redneck named scooter). Honestly, I don't think I've seen this much action in a long, long, time.

Favorite scene of the movie: Orc getting shot with a high powered sniper rifle in his "special parts". Watching his face contort, as he flies into the air holding his crotch is the stuff of legend people. The stuff of legend. The Orcs really do look great. The design for the costumes and everything is ripped right from Lord of the rings, and I don't think thats a bad thing its well done.

Did I mention there's a dragon?

In a way this is a straight from the late 80s sword and sorcery flick with guns thrown in. And I am ok with that. Think Deathstalker (1,2,3, or 4) with a shotgun.

Ya. Tell me that doesn't look like a grade B good time.

This movie was a blast, but they missed a few steps to really elevate it to cult classic/Indie gold status. 

1. Killing off the supporting cast. That was a big error. There was an opportunity to have John Norton hook up with his Agent and guard the gate together. And they establish her as being badass. I think that would have been an awesome twist. A few other characters that die are not as big a deal, still, it did take away some of the insane fun that you feel for a good portion of the movie.
2. CGI blood. Everywhere. Everytime. I know it has to be getting harder to find good makeup people, but this just felt like a complete Savetimedoitthisway type thing. They even CGI good fire at multiple parts through the movie. It really doesn't take away that much as long as you are prepared for it. But, really, every freaking time watching a splash of CGI blood is just sad. This movie with some great practical, man, would've really changed the feel of the flick.
3. The very ending, kinda lame, after all the awesome action and such. I mean the Orcs and how they act doesn't really seem to make sense. And our hero, with the tone, and fun romp the film was, shoulda had some girl wrapped around his holding his gun high, silhouetted against the sun. You know. A little more Ash in Army of Darkness style - gimme sum sugah baby.

But.
But, if you don't mind the crazy amounts of CGI crap, and bad CGI at that, you are in for a well acted, written, and very action packed fun time. The ending does lose some steam. But the man fights a dragon. And there is a super sexy elfen princess... I mean. Do you need more?

Came so close to being a film you'd see on bluray special addition, and cult flick shelves everywhere. It would be nice to see someone step up and take the idea, throw a lil cash on it... and tweak a couple things. Buckets of blood in there... and BAM! It would be an epic R rated adventure. As it is, a surprisingly fun effort on a non existent budget. That for the most part succeeds more than it fails.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Action scale 3 out of 5 stars

I hopes a few people check this out. Be warned, like I said - No budget. But I had a great time with it. And sexy elfen Princesses... always a fun time.

Mmmmmm... pointy ears. 

Boonsweet is off to buy a creepy crappy house and wait for my sexy elf to show. I'll save you girrrrrrrrrllllllll.

@Tallwhitefox

CRAP! (Oct' 2013)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (2013)

Here we are again. CRAP! Everyones favorite rant, rage, filled movie column... where we here at Boonsweet and Bucklesworth, take the hit for you. Suffering through some horrid offerings from the world of filmed entertainment. Be warned, we step outside our usual to give you spoilers, and major plot points... all because, well, we are trying to save you from the experience. Though hey, some of you crazy crappy film lovers out there, might still jump in... and take the risk... That is up to you... all we can do, is warn... ENJOY :)

You know when people are all "Why they gotta remake that movie? Why can't they just leave that there classic alone?" Well, if you have followed me (and I mean all the cool kids do), then you know I am usually the guy going "Hold up. I wanna see what they do. And hey it don't matter if it sucks I can always throw my original in the ol' bluray player". Ya that's usually me. Mister upside (keeping in mind I am currently typing this here ongoing CRAP segment lol)

But... Embrace of the Vampire? I mean, what the Deuce?! Anyone else remember this flick? It was a straight to video erotic/softcore horror vamp flick that had one HUGE (well ok Two well sized) things going for it... Alyssa Milano was smack dab in the middle of her sweet girl rebellion (before she gave it all up, kept her clothes on and started the NFL girls clothing line - No joke there). And she was all kinds of naked in this flick. I remember being a teenager, and to say the original had a... um... profound impact on me would be an understatement. But... I mean... no one will argue that it's anything close to a classic.

So what in the sweet hell are we doing here in the middle of a review for a remake? The answer Booniacs and Buckleheads... is I have no freaking idea. Actually trying to understand why... My head starts to feel like I shouldn't have double fisted the ice cream...

Plot: Goody two shoes scholarship girl goes to high end university... by way of fencing. There she will discover sex, and booze, and love, and her possible connection to a vampire mythology.

Hey, at least the fangs fit. I mean, that's something. 

K. First, I can not explain how boring the first 34 minutes of this film are. Nothing happens. I mean nothing. Girl goes to school, meets people. Catches roomate naked, there's someone else naked... rookie hazing... seriously, so boring. If you're asking - But how can boobs be boring? I understand, I do... but its just not enough. I can deal with average acting, below average acting.... But gosh just try to make it fun. Then minutes 34-38 are sexy. And live up a little to the soft core glory of the mid 90s. But then... back to the boring. I mean near the end they go camping and things start to speed up... and I'm thinking well hey, we could be in for a solid closing 15 minutes of sexy vampire slashing here... no. No. A couple minutes then its back to snail pace boredom.

So how about the lead, the sexy good girl, that will be lead to the darkside... or will she? Well I don't know that much about Sharon Hinnindael. She seems to have a few horror adventures under her belt, but I can say that she is not quite able to handle this film. Oh she seems fine with the sexy parts... but its the playing innocent she can't pull off. For instance there is a "The showers spray blood" blood scene in here. She looks like an actress on set, tired of being soaked in red after take 37. She does not however look like a good girl should when bathed in a sudden surprise of blood... terror maybe... maybe fear. Anything really.

The fencing team? Listen I am not dissing fencing. I mean, obviously... we've all spent hours... working on our sword work... BUT... really fencing? And they make the team out to be all jockish, and you know, exactly the behaviour you'd see from a football team or something. Hazing and all. I just don't buy it... for a second. I mean a school that gives out scholarships for fencing... anyone think those people would be forcing the rookies to drink till they fall of chairs and strip? It just doesn't fit. I mean tennis, hockey, hell I'll even take polo... but listening to a coach give an intense speech about swords being created through fire... and her taking her moment. I actually laughed.

I know. I'll find all the answers i need in 3 pages of this book... Ya. 

I mean Charlotte is sexy, no doubt, but really... interesting, sexy enough to have everyone... falling for her... No. Not at all. Alyssa Milano in the original.... well I mean come on it is miss who's the boss here.

Really though. I can't believe I'm saying it but this film actually makes the original look like a masterpiece. Serious... cheesy, sexy, weird, and was fun. In its own 90s way. This film is awkward. And flat. I mean just flat. They throw in the sex for sure... but... that's it, anything between is like like a soap opera interlude. Oh and like 20 minutes of the film are actually scenes that are followed by her waking up and realizing its all a dream. Hahaha. What a twist!

listen, maybe the erotically charged films of the 90s are no longer valid. Porn is a google search away, the kids know everything before they get off their big wheel... the mystery is gone. The sexy covers that drew peeps to the movie shop shelves are no more... heck the freaking shelves are no more...

But... you can do better than this. Sex still sells, but it has to be packaged better than this.

The writer obviously thinks he's clever... setting up a twist, and another twist... etc. Only you really don't care at all. Oh wait, he's actually a Vampire... gosh... crazy. And the explanation on the vampire thing... is ridiculous. You know what - Here: If a vampire finds a virgin in the blood line of the original vampire that made them, they can use that pure blood to transform back to a human. The issue being then the virgin suffers for all eternity in hell. Yup. All about that fine print peeps. There's also something else about using a vampires blood to protect the child of a vampire by pouring the blood of the vampire into the veins... or something, I can't even be bothered to watch that part again.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Look. There is sexy. Though. Not that much really. Like maybe 5 minutes of a 91 minute film... that is really suppose to be relying on sex and violence I would think. So how about violence. Well, it is practical. And that is very cool. Neck ripping all that. But again, really not that much of it.

So recap. Bland acting. Horrible writing. I am in an example mode here.

Roommate: I get it you're life is tougher than most. Maybe you should take a break.
Charlotte (standing up, in uber daytime drama mode: You walk a minute in my shoes and than try to tell me that.

I mean some of the worse dialogue I've seen on screen in a while. A movie marketed as an R-rated sexy bloody good time... with almost no sexy, or bloody. I just... ya... one sec... I need shake my head disapprovingly. There.... ya... thats good.

People maybe you like boobs enough to risk ignoring a CRAP review... perhaps you have grown up a lifetime fan of Sharon's. Hey, I can't stop you. I can only say there is little to nothing that makes this film worth watching. If you're drunk enough, maybe you get some laughs... but, there's better ways people.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror Scale 1.5 out of 5 stars

Boonsweet confession time. I still own a version of the Original. Alyssa Milano crush? Why yes, thank you.

Also final rant thought (Hey we only do one of these CRAP! things a month, gotta get it out) the ending... I mean really... Sigh.

Boonsweet is moving on, and hopefully up.

Also as a quick side note. This here is my 200th post I do believe. Hey maybe not as epic as the first century mark, but still very cool. Thank you to all you crazy Booniacs, and Buckleheads, for the support. Its been blowing my mind all you whack nut film lovers from around the terra firma take time outta your candy rainbow filled days to show me some love. Back at you, you crazy bastards! Kinda wish it had been a cooler flick... but hey, that was some 200th post worthy ranting :) 

Still on point you celluloid creatures of cool.  

-Later.

She's all that... dressed in red.

CARRIE (2013)

So first I need to say that once again my technology has failed me. I am currently, here and now, using my very old back up laptop to try to get through this here review. You might be wondering what would drive a man of my patience and attention to cool, to suffer the wrath of a busted key board and hyperactive mousepad... thereby resulting in my rage and near endless profanity... well CARRIE did. I say it, and well, I need to get this down, and out my head...

I say way, way, way, way back in tha day... an Author by the name of Stephen King published his first book. A wicked little burn through in a couple of nights thriller, that had the world talking and launched one of the most prolific careers of our literary lifetime. Then someone green lit the film, hired the legendary - Brian De Palma, to direct, and BAM! Fast as you can say Hobgoblinator, we had a film hit.

The story is, and has been, and is still for this here remake... A young girl. Raised beneath the thumb, and religious insanity, of her Mother. Suffers through tortures at her school. Only to have someone reach out, and offer her a chance for a normal, young girl moment - At prom. While this is going on Carrie starts to realize that she's not like other girls... she can move things with her mind... and well, then a bitch drops a bucket of blood on her... and well, people die and stuff.

Ok, I need to say something. Deep breath. I read a few reviews for this film, and I gotta say, wow people were hating on this here little bit of en-ter-tain-ment. People saying the plot was tweaked in horrible ways. That somehow the nearly undoubtable Julianne Moore had over acted as the mother. That the very talented Chloe Grace Moretz had taken a mistep... and blah, blah. The hate went on. Trusted reviewers, had me convinced this flick would be shite.

I just... I don't understand why the Ketchup packs are so damn difficult. Everytime. 

Well, shame on me for being so easily swayed. Then again, maybe setting those expectations low, helped... ah... Whatevs... moving on.

So listen, really, was the original Stephen King Novel that awesome? I mean it was a short book. That was basically an F'd up teen slasher, with a wonderfully developed main character. and a cardboard supporting cast (I mean really, what was her mom other than messed up and Jesus loving?). Then a brilliant director, and an extremely awesome performance by Sissy Spacek turned the material into a classic. And one that does hold up well. But, as with every remake, there are Remake Haters (I shall now refer to them as - REHATERS tm) who rise up to claim the film as brilliant. As unremakable (man this review in a candy wonderland of sweet made up words...) as something that should not be touched.

You remember things like - OMG they are remaking EVIL DEAD. Nooooo the world will end! What's that they're remaking HALLOWEEN? Those heartless money grubbing hollywood bastards! Always after a buck. And hey, you know what those are two damn fine classics. But when people start rising up over a TOTAL RECALL remake, or ROBOCOP, well, I mean, when can we just admit maybe sometimes its okay to see what someone can do with the material decades later. And maybe, just maybe, some of those films aren't the Holy Grail of cinema we think...

Ok. I've ranted. Moving on.
I liked this film. First, the opening sequence was cool. And I liked how the blood rose up of the letters CARRIE. Yup. I just started at the damn title letters. How's that for awesome reviewer detail. The infamous shower scene where Carrie happened to have her period in the showers, and the other girls torture her... is very intense. And the addition of the girls taking pictures with their cells is very modern and approved touch. I liked bringing the Cyber bullying aspect in. Its a part of the modern Teen, and young adult experience. So I have no problem with it being brought in.

Like I said, she needs some crazy eye lessons. 

The supporting cast in this film is pretty good. The "Bad girls" are actually better developed here. Including Sue Snell (the one that has a change of heart and convinces her boyfriend to take Carrie to prom). Her boyfriend too, both very genuine and likeable people. However after him, every man in the film is pretty much cardboard. Ah well, no loss.

Well Boony what about the two leads? A fine questions dear Booniacs, and you know, some of you won't agree, but I thought the Mother should always have been a little more over the top, and Julianne Moore has a blast here. Just going complete Johovaloco (man, I'm telling ya - call websters). Chloe Moretz as Carrie. Hmmmm. It was honestly a little strange seeing her as a more or less, normal, nice girl. I mean I am so used to her playing seriously adult teens (Hick, Let Me in, KickAss), here as a vunerable girl, different. But not in a bad way, just took me a bit to adjust. However, and I have to say it... they could have really uglied her up more. She is suppose to be all Patty Plain here, and she's really just normal Chloe in overalls, and no make up... There is just no way some boy wouldn't still step up and ask for her digits.

There are a few (a few more than a few) missteps here.
The major one that I have to bring up is the switch from Young girl terrified and tortured by her mom. Into all powerful teen that can move things and do what she wants... well the switch just comes too early. Some reviews have pointed out the issues they have with Carrie investigating her powers (Telekinesis) online. But I mean this is the information generation. I don't care if she has been chained to a cross in the jesus cave for her whole life... she would still know how to goggle. It's just she seems to move from Momma don't lock me in the closet to Momma I will pick you up and throw shit around . I do what I want really fast. I would have liked her Mom to bang her around a bit more... show how weak and afraid Carrie was even with her power.

Still. Chloe is inherently likable and she brings it to the character. Another thing that really bugged me... there are two moments where 1. It seems Carrie is also PyroKinetic and 2. Telepathic.... ? Um, when the hell did that happen. And really, the LameHollywoodMustHaveATwistEnding ending, was kaka. And... lastly... Carrie... did she really have to fly? Ever? No. The answer is no. The creepy, bloody walk, way better.

what about the Prom scene? I had alot of fun with it. I did. The opening and set up (in my twisted mind anyway) being a little bit of an upgrade. Though, as good an actress as Chloe G is, she coulda worked on her crazy eyes a bit more (Gotta give props to the original there - nobody crazy eyes like Sissy). Defs upped the violence, and gore. No problems there. Also, having her show a little more concern for her date, than herself... was a great touch, and defs sold her good girl pushed too far thang.

I don't want to spoil any thing here as is the way of BOONSWEET & BUCKLESWORTH, but there is an extension added to the ending, and I both liked and didn't like it. Having someone there to witness it was a great touch. But den... they go too far.

Listen. This movie has its flaws, and it's hardly a masterpiece. My point is the original was a one trick pony of a teen slasher than was elevated by a director and a lead, and though this one my now be able to claim that. It is still a lot of fun, and fully embraces what it is.

The effects were fun, and got a few look away moments out of the crowd.

Movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 3 out of 5 stars

Go in with a clean slate, and I think there in enough here to warrant 100 minutes of your life. Don't let the critics stop you. Its slasher fun. A little more classy with the talent involved, and you could argue more B than A movieness, but still... fun.

- Boonsweet is out this piece yo. My parting thought? So glad I do not ever have to go through high school again :)

@Tallwhitefox

Chucky is Back!!! (applause)

CURSE OF CHUCKY (2013)

So as promised, in the wake of my very first (and rather awesome if I do say so myself... and um... I do) retrospective, the Chucky films, here we are with a brand spanking new killer doll who just wants a body for his soul flick. Are you excited? I'm freaking excited.

Plot? Hey there is one. So a woman paralyzed from birth lives with her damaged Mother. One lovely fall evening, a Box shows up at their door - its a good guy doll, from an anonymous source (scooby-doo says Ruh Roh). Chucky has arrived, and her Mother is dead shortly after. Her sister and her fam show up to grieve, and convince the wheelchair bound home owner to sell the house. Drop in a young girl to be a new friend for Chucky, and a sexy Nanny, and well... we are Good 2 Go!

As I mentioned in my retro, how scary could a movie about a killer doll really be? As long as it's fun, and violent, hey, it's still a damned good time. Well, it seems longtime Chucky writer and now director, Don Mancini, read my thoughts... and said F you Boonsweet, I'm gunna do everything in my power to make Chucky Scary again... even in the sixth installment. And you know what... punk pulls it off.

Donny M pulls out every trick in the book to create a rather satisfying slow burn... you, the audience knows Chucky is alive and killing, and dammit it you are waiting for him to start swearing and slashing... and Don makes you work for it. I would say the influences for his film style, at least the first half is straight from Dario Argento's golden Gaillo years. And I loved it. Some genuine dread and creeps, in the sixth entry in a series from the 80s about a killer doll. Who knew.

I'll be your friend to the end!

Now, to the point is this a remake, a sequel, a re-quel. Hahaha my term - Trademarked bitches! Well I can't really define it without giving some of the cool away... so I'll type this. It does a great job of being a little of all three. On the one hand it is a self contained, entirely new take on the Chucky Mythos... on the other side... at about the half way point... shit goes off, and you have Chucky in all his glory pleasing the fans of his R -rated ways.

I had alotta... alottalotta fun with this flick. More than I had any business having perhaps. I really liked that they tried hard to make Chucky scary again. It was a great choice, and a nice shift from the (albeit fun as hell) Bride of Chucky and (not so much fun) Seed of Chucky. Then after they've had their fill of that its onnnnnnnn! Blood, guts, and a hot blonde.

So, let's address the elephant in the room... the doll effects. Well, it goes from good to bad in a hurry, and back, and back. There really is no consistency here, and with the number of affordable puppetteers out there... CGI rears its ugly head. One scene in particular - Chucky walking down stairs is just painful. However they do work in a few cool overhead shots that I thought were very creative, and if not a Vidiot (TM) like myself... maybe not so noticeable. Another scene that had me shaking my head... Chucky sliding from side to side in a car, while only the top half of his body is visible... kinda like a furry puppet you'd see on sesame street... and really... how'd his little doll foot reach the pedal? His face is different... but it works to really up the creepy... so I'll let that slide.

Creepy enough?

Howsboutnow?

But I digress.

I mean this is a cheap indie horror flick that is a fun as hell ride. To fans of the series especially, but really I think most fans of slasher cinema will enjoy. Director Don, obviously feeling this could be his last shot at the Chuckster, goes above and beyond to please fans of the series at the end... the last five minutes is just one shout out, after another... and well, some work better than others. I don't want to give them away... but... it gets confusing.

After the court scene, to me... the story is over... everything else is just to put a smile on faces like mine... just accept it or don't...

And for the love of all things covered in awesome... the after credit scene... I actually raised my hands... I was damned happy. Did it make sense... no. Am I watching a movie about a two and half foot doll that kills peeps? Yes. So screw sense... I want awesome!

One big head shake... Why does Chucky not bleed? Strange. But ok. Whatever.

Movie scale 3 out 5 stars
Horror movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Fun to be had, and a great trip down memory lane... the Chucky Retro officially ends in style... and as someone that watched them all, and then finished off with Curse... that is the way to do it folks!

-Charles Bartholomew Boonsweet is off to further Horrorventures.

More Bite for your buck

FRIGHT NIGHT 2 (2013)

OK.
Really, how high could my expectations be for this movie? The answer booniacs is somewhere to the south of zero.

The Original Fright Night was a hit, and has grown into a tremendous cult classic, but I mean, despite the 80s cool that was Fright Night 2 I don't think anyone is calling it a masterpiece. Though when you consider both the out of print Blurays are running for 300-400$ a piece, well, shows you there are legit fans out there.

So then I catch wind of a FRIGHT NIGHT 2 happening, and well, I wouldn't call it interested. I mean I actually really dug the remake in 2011 with Colin (still mostly got it) Farrell as the lead fangy bastard. It was fresh, fun, and if you caught it in 3D, one of the more impressive excuses to break out the specs. But a sequel? DTV? With non of the original cast? Ah well, what the hell, it's halloween month, and I mean I have already suffered through Knight of the Dead, and Among Friends... sky's the limit right? I mean, better has to happen right?

And da beat goes - Boy and His bestie are part of a class trip to Romania to learn history and stuff, Boy, Charlie, is all heartbroken because he made out with some trick and the love of his life is all pissed at him now. He notices two chicks making out across from his hotel room one night, and then notices blood. The next day, his guest history teacher shows up, and oh dear, and the neck biting Lesbian... (Dun, Dun, Dun). So he begins investigating her. Then recruits his best friend to help him, and he decides it would be a great idea to locate and have his fav paranormal investigator - Peter Vincent, help. They somehow track him down, and Vampire Teacher Bitch decides to start offing a bunch of people... and Charlie's lover/ex lover maybe be connected to her age old quest for super vampire powers.

Innnnoooocent. (Any one get that? Ghost Rider joke... no? Balls)

Ok... deep breath. So this ain't a sequel...
I was surprised. Now, in fairness that could be because I was expecting a CRAP segment candidate here... Small director. Smaller actors (with the exception of Jaime Murray from an almost decent many deaths of ian stone and Dexter season 2), and a writer I have never heard of. Yet, somehow it manages to get a few things right... things I constantly bitch about as a horror fan...

First it knows the audience. They want cheese, and fun, and blood, gore, and sexy ladies. This film delivers on all accounts. The cheese may be a little much at times (the best friends tries to be super cool, and well, is mostly just annoying), but the blood and gore are pretty damn good. And most of it... PRACTICAL! That's right you damn psychos, real gore! Then drop in a whole bunch of pretty ladies... and you are starting to have a decent little bit of horror entertainment here. I mean it really was a joy to see someone bite into a neck and not see CGI blood pop up. Good old fashioned spraying blood... Yes.

I will credit the director with that. He manages some really cool effects... one that took me a moment to process was the Vampire using bat sonar to bounce sound of the walls and find her targets. Hows that for some vampireness. Sparkle sparkle Whaaaaaaat. The pool of blood, and how they roll in the water while she bites her victim... I mean that is just cool. The camera shot of the body draining blood... this man has a fine touch, and I think with a few smaller films here and there, who knows... with a budget... he could be pretty damn deadly.

Here's another thing this movie has going for it... JAMIE MURRAY! I won't say I am her biggest fan. But here, she chews scenery as a villain. And having just watched a female lead villain fail on every level (in Among Friends) it was nice to see someone attractive come across as genuinely creepy... and every bit the evil bitch. And the actors really do hold their own here. Well, okay, just the two leads... but since they are the focus of almost every scene... thats really all you need.

Help! My floaties broke! My flooooooaties broke!

The ending is a mix. First awesome, cool, fun, then nearly completely ruined by a line straight out of B movie shit. You remember the "Welcome to my nightmare bitch" line from freddy vs Jason and how you shook your head at that... ya. It's kinda like that... only way, way, worse. Mean I was suppose to laugh, but after the intensity of the ending... it really felt like getting slapped with salad while enjoying a steak.

But den, we shift back to a true full makeup throwback to the wait for it... I'm gunna say it... dammit it I'm gunna say it... the Glory days of B vamp cinema. Be warned though... while you are smiling at that, they will once again slap you with salad.

Overall, hey, a pretty solid romp through B-movie Horror.
If you are a huge fan of the original, you might find a few things to like in here... I can't guarantee you'll be a fan. Plus Peter Vincent is just pointless in this... but if you approach it without too many expectations, you just might have fun. At least for the most part.

A few things to bother your thinking parts: Cell phones are clearly used for flashlights and to be all modern, but then, um... why are they not taking pictures of shit. Or here's an idea... lost in a tunnel, what is that an iPhone? Map app yo. O. Oooooooo and one of my uber peeves about cheaper vamp flicks, fangs that are so big the actor can't help but slur his lines... The friend trying to be all bad guy with spit flying out from between his plastic fangs is a lil' ruff ... lil' ruff... haha come on people.

The bad is bad folks... but there is good here. Gore. Boobs. Some cool directing and decent acting. Could do worse if you're looking for some new horror this season... Really, they probably could have done without attaching the Fright Night name... but then that's been used in DTV horror for decades. Name recognition... who knows maybe if it was called Vampire Hoe with a castle I may not have bothered. Actually, balls, I totally would have.
Also, quick shout out to the wicked cool animated sequence. Nicely setup and drenched in the red stuff...

Movie scale 2.5 out 5 stars
Horror scale 2.5 out of 5 stars.

And the blonde Sacha Parkinson... Super cute. Just making observations and saving lives here....
Alright, finally, at least a marginal bright spot to the horror watching season.

So innocent goody goody? I'm saying Type cast :)

I'm off to sleeps, and what I hope will be naked pool chick wrestling dreams. Neck deep yo! (Ahhhhh fang jokes. Never get old)

Ciao.
-CBB @Tallwhitefox

K. Seriously! It's a damn axe, dammit - An Axxxxxxe!

HATCHET III (2013)

To say that Hatchet 3 (I refuse to type a capital "I" three times everytime lol) is the worst Hatchet film does not mean it's a bad film, only that 3 is not the charm as far as the series is concerned. I mean folks - (meaning violence loving freakshows like moi) - can easily make arguments for which is better Part 1 or 2 ... but I'm pretty sure no one will be making an argument for 3. Unless your DreadCentral.com who really needs to start being a little more selective with there DVD case praise. Seriously people.

Before we rant, giggle, mock, praise, and tweak nips, let us - plot...

The film picks up directly where the last ended. Our unkillable slasher, Victor Crowley, laying beneath a very pissed off Mary Beth (one of my alltime crushes Danielle "I've already forgiven you for Among Friends" Harris) missing a large portion of his head. This film starts with his head seeming quite a bit more intact then I remember us leaving it (but whatever, I digress). MaryBeth thinks its all over buuuuuutttt - he lives - and den there's a large chainsaw, blood, and MaryBeth walks into a police station holding his scalp and letting the nice police folks know everyone is dead at the swamp.
The cops then charge out, find a massacre, a swat team is called in: violence ensues. Meanwhile MaryBeth, a reporter, and a cop (The Token), head out to find the ashes of Crowley's Father. You see these ashes when handled by MaryBeth will apparently lead to Victor's permanent demise. And there you go. It's no Jason 6, but hey... its something.

Man. That must be a really, reeeeeeally big freaking tree. 

There are a few major issues with this film, and before I talk about what I liked, I really need to tear this bitch up a bit. Look... Pacing. Even in the lowest budget piece of Kaka film - pacing is important. So in a decent indie budgeted film, with a fan following... it's you know... still really important. This film opens on fire. Blood, guts, one liners, chaos. So much fun. Seriously... like 25 bodies in the first 30 minutes. That is one damn impressive ratio. When the swat team shows up the fun really gets going. But then... wow does it get boring.

I mean there must be 5 scenes of MaryBeth in the back of the police cruiser and the officer arguing with her and the reporter in his passenger seat about losing his job, and the trouble he's in... and how he should bring MaryBeth back, blah, blah. I get it. You're breaking the law, and you are driving somewhere to get ashes to kill a ghost that slaughters people. It's a weird day for you guys. But damn... like I GET IT move on. Another extended scene. Crowley sawing through the metal wall of a boat to get to a few of the people that didn't die in the first half hour...

Soooooo... it took you 30 minutes to off basically everyone. And then I need to see what... 4 scenes of 2-3 minutes showing people cowering in a boat with sparks flying? So F'n boring. I get it, writer Adam Green wrote a 60 page script and you guys had no idea how to make this movie a purchasable length... so every plot point had to be dra-ah-ged out to fill the last hour. But maybe, if you were gunna do that you could off drawn out the opening instead... Imagine going to a racing film and the hero won the championship in the opening 30 minutes and the rest of the film was about how there was a car... and he was eventually going to drive it on a dirt road... I mean ok, that was a shit analogy... but the point is... you can't open at 98 miles an hour and then but that B on cruise.

Do I need to put a caption? No, if you're a Booniac, your sick mind has it covered. 

You wanna make this movie 90 minutes how about extending a damn fight sequence! I mean first in part 2 you bail on the Tony Todd vs Crowley (aka Kane freaking Hodder) fight. And then you put the guy that played Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th (2009) in a film with the guy that is Jason to so many fans of the genre... and you build to a fight... and then it ends in 3 seconds. Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Is it funny to mind rape your fans? Hmmm? You bangkok quarter tease (I just made that up, not sure from where) the audience and giggle in the back? Or are you just that incompetent? I really want to know. Twice. In the same franchise... one that gave hope back to the indie slasher genre... you have provided what should be horror freak joy, only to spit in our faces.

For shame!

Moving on... To the good.

Listen, the last half of the movie is boring. The fun and crazy cool of the first 2 is long lost by the time the credits roll... still, the opening 30 minutes is a damn blast. And the last 5 are decent. I mean there is enough head ripping, torso tearing, limb removing, and Crowley mean mugging to satisfy your deep twisted giggle needs. The plot about ashes and killing Crowley for real... you wont care about it, because it distracts from blood every time they cut to it... Buuuuuut Sid haig (yes!) shows up to be awesome for like seven minutes... so that's something. Danielle Harris' MaryBeth is pretty much happy to just tell everyone to F off, and goes inexplicably from Slasher destroyer to whiny scared girl ... not sure why... whatever, she's still cute, and she takes time to get naked and not show you boobs. So you know... Wait... what was I saying...?

Ok... this whole saying good things isn't going so well. Sigh.
One more time...

There is a lot of violence. Kane Hodder is always fun to watch dismembering people. And you can fast forward to the ending after they hit the boat and miss nothing (A brief play for the Sid scene of course). And probably feel better about your life, and the state of horror. There are some really funny moments in here... but unlike the first two they are seldom. But the usually fun Perry Shen shows up again (has a great line about all asians looking the same lol) to be the best thing in the last half of the film.

The female cop and Shen shoulda hooked up in the boat... like this is it - we're gonna die, I want have sex again... a last time. Then bam, entertainment, boobs, and then you know... less boredom. People really need to just start running things by me before they DTV this shizzie.

Seriously... Adam Green. Ask for help man... I get you didn't know what to do... I know it was hard... But damn it... be a man, reach out. Sometimes the first step is admitting... Or letting someone else direct. And on that note, BJ MCDonnell does a great job directing the action, and non action. You won't notice Green's absence behind the camera.

Hey listen, I hate cause I love. The first two Hatchet films really surprised me. They were a blast and some of the few really note worthy entries in recent slasher history. So, now, my expectations were higher. And this film just didn't pull it off. But it is still better than 84.7% of horror dropping fresh out there. More gore for your buck than anything else I can think off... and well, maybe that should be enough, and I'm just a picky punk... with delusions of Ebert.

(Evs!)

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 2.5 out of 5 stars (only because of the opening 30, that is a gore influenced scale folks)

The horror keeps on horrifying... the terror keeps on terrifying... the blood keeps on... ah you get the point.

Love Fall.
Hope you Booniacs are loving it too...
Play safe.
And don't take the boat trip to the swamp... ever...

-Boonsweet.
@tallwhitefox.