Friday, February 22, 2008

I know what killed your career


Before I say anything about this movie, anything. I must first say one thing. One tiny little freaking mind numbing thing. To the director, producer, Lindsay freaking Lohan, writer, anyone that had any say over this movie. If you are going to attempt to make a bloody messy horror flick, and then decide to put a crazy hot young female in the lead... Do not, I repeat "danger Will Robinson" do not amputate her arm and leg in the first ten minutes. I mean yes, I understand their is a small amputee fetish community out there. But if I am going to fantasize about Lindsay Lohan, and I will, oh I will... she has four fully functioning limbs. That said, let us continue with this here reviewy thing I do bitches.
So plot, and despite the fact you will probably not ever watch this film, I will try to full fill my critics duty and not give away any, dare I call them, "twists". Lindsay Lohan is Aubrey. Aubrey is hot, popular, and rich. Also has a wee bit of an imagination. Aubrey disappears, turns up a few weeks later, missing an arm, and leg, and has no memory of who she is. She seems to think she's a stripper whore druggie (S.W.D. for short, my word, just thought I'd let you know) from the wrong side of the country. But her family and the police are all convinced that she is Aubrey, no doubts.... and we go from there. Some twists, some turns, some flashbacks. You get the idea.
The killer, as any slasher fan will tell you, is the most important part of any of these films. "Friday the 13th" had Jason, "Nightmare on elm street" had Freddy, and "I know who killed me" had, what can only be described as a psychotic member of the Blue man group. Never heard of the blue man group, you're on your computer, google that shit (ha, google, hello sponsors, wait... my ass still ain't got none... damn). Who turns out is also has the ability to teleport according to one scene, that really doesn't make sense when we find out who the freaking killer is. So many things wrong here, let's see, the worst part has got to be the writing. I mean listen, Lindsay Lohan can act. Fine, I know. Hate, I can feel it through my nut leather right now, but serious, is she a lost puppy I want to cuddle and fix? Yes. Is the guy that's choosing her movies a moron? Yes. Is there any excuse for Herbie: Fully Loaded? No. But you get rid of the horrible choices, and watch her, beneath the ridiculous dialog, she got some moves. The writing however, makes even a few of the seasoned actors look like high school anti drink sketch punks. 
Lindsay Lohan riding a bus holding a blood soaked towel around her hand, stranger on bus says, " You have to hold it above your heart"..."Your arm you have to hold it above your heart".
Lindsay does what he asks, then asks him, "Aren't you going to ask what happened?".... Stranger on bus, "People get cut, that's life".
Maybe they should have gone with horror-comedy as the genre, I mean, gosh. Or one scene where Lindsay proceeds to list some of the shit she has done in her life, 
"I have not been in a crack house, I did not get paid for sex with fat hairy men that smell like BO". 
Yeep, can't make this shit up. Well actually you should, because some dumbass will make the damn thing.
Anyway, despite all the negatives there are a few really cool directing touches that almost tricked me into liking this movie. One awesome scene on the stage.... oh, speaking of stage, all the times you have scene a Hollywood star try to strip, and been like, screw that, I been to a strip joint, that ain't how them hoes take my money.... well you won't say it here, Lindsay shakes that ass. Though somehow manages to keep her top on. Reason 213 why i hate the words "no nudity clause". And, AND! along with the few cool tricks, the story could have actually been something. The twists are kinda cool, and there are a few moments where the actors manage to wrap around the lines with some dignity, but eventually... just Ka-Ka. Poo. Doody. I mean when is the last night you saw an owl, on a branch, hooting while a killer buries a body? Like 83 maybe? Whatever, not the worst film I've seen. And Lindsay makes a really good stripper, and I liked the blue roses part... and I'm done.

Movie scale 1 our of 5 stars
Horror scale 2 out of 5 stars

-Boonsweet, out

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