Thursday, February 21, 2008

How many words are there for BOOM?

RAMBO (2007)

I like when things explode. Somewhere in the nether regions of my man core, I get a soft, fluttery, tingle of happiness when chunks of building, dirt, and yes, even extras, fly at me... non literally of course, in the safety of a theatre, and the comfort that is, nachos and salsa. So this all being said, I was pretty dang excited to find out that Rambo was back. It has been a while since we've had a real deal 80s action-er hit the modern silver screen. If you are wondering what exactly classifies as an 80s action-er, I have provided a list. 

1) At least three to four scenes that involve so much carnage that it takes your eyes a few moments to adjust. Kind of like looking for the 3D pop out in one of those magic eye thangs.
2) Dialog that tries so hard to be moving, and poignant in between bullets, but only ends up making you smile at its awesome lameness, and the actors attempts at saying it with the "Take this crap serious face".
3) So many bodies you will actually wonder where they keep coming from, then after a while you just giggle and clap.
4) One to Eleven mullets.
5) Each scene has at least one "One liner" in it.

Rambo gloriously achieves all these and more. Stallone wrote it, directed it, and as far as film making goes, he is pretty good at giving folks exactly what they want from his characters (see Rocky Balboa 2006). The plot, if you care, is as such. Christians come to evil Burma to help the helpless with God and many bibles. They enlist Rambo to take them where they wanna go, insert churchy blonde girl that makes Rambo reconsider his path. Which, considering he's a tin shack snake wrangler, in freaking Burma... might not be such a bad idea. Anyway, he leaves them. Little while later, head of their church shows up, and I seriously can not make this stuff up here, informs him the group has been lost, and a group of Assassins has been gathered by the church to bring them back. So Rambo goes with them... and anything and everything that is not Rambo friendly goes boom.
The violence in this movie is insane, rape, group massacre, children being dismembered... Insane. So be prepared. It's a realistic attempt to capture what villagers in that part of the world have to deal with, and its the only way they can possibly justify the amount of people Stallone is going to kill... I believe the final tally is around 268-ish. The movie is just so much fun for any action fan, but to anyone who has just been made sick with the amount of style of substance lately, all the computer explosions, and shit, (does anyone even do bullet effects since the matrix) you will be in a warm happy place...
Don't worry about anything here really, because I would say there is about 15 minutes of this film that is talking. So gather the action fans in your block, or bedroom, and do this thing. Stallone is an action god. And man, does he kill things dead, and in so many fun ways. Quick final note, he has an all new big ass knife too... which he may or may not use to spill someones intestines... oh dang, spoiler ... ha.

Movie Scale 2 out of 5
Action movie scale 4 out of 5

Charles B. Boonsweet is out this peace bitches

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