When in Rome... get the Caesar salad fools

THE LAST LEGION (2007)

If there is one thing the Boonsweet likes it is internet por- I mean swords, and swashbuckling adventure. I mean even the cheesy classics, Arnold as Conan. Kevin Sorbo as Hercules, (that one, I know, its horrible, it lessens me in all you eyes, I know, I can't help it), Crouching Tiger, Hidden dragon, whatever. From the first time I saw a sword fight on my old school tube tele, I was in some blade like love state. So any new flick along those lines comes my way, I'm always excited.

I had seen a few previews for this one, and was looking forward to it. 

Looked like a straight forward select few protect important child from viking type dudes. Ding ding, I was right. So, takes place in Rome, ha, hence my clever review title, and concerns the new child Caesar, the last of the Caesar bloodline. He becomes king, and the city is attacked by bad guys pissed at Rome. Rome falls, incredibly fast too... like its freaking Rome, at least hold up against some barbarians for five minutes of film, and a slow motion fight sequence. Boy is captured, a few good Romans, and one hot foreigner, go to rescue the boy king, and defeat their enemies. Oh along the way the boy, with the help of an old wise man (Ben "I can act, but oh my god I was in Thunderbirds" Kingsley), finds an all powerful sword. 

Insert a few big fight scenes, some speeches on dying for your country, fighting tyranny, bad guys that come straight out of the sword flick bad guy yellow pages. I mean I think they just called Braveheart and said loan us some of the red heads.

But for all my yappin, it is a lot of fun. Dumb fun, but sometimes isn't that the best kind. Well that and the kind of fun you can only have with internet por- Charities. Charities. Ha. The lack of a budget was the biggest drawback here. I couldn't ignore it. At times, sets, camera angles, and weak special effects, just gave it a television feel. Like Sinbad... come on someone has to remember, long hair, tight ass leather pants, chick with a pet bird? Their are some really enjoyable fight scenes.

Its basically a by the numbers sword, knights, boy king, flick. Warrior man, and warrior woman, finding love. Sacrificial minorities. Betrayals by friends that hug. Had to laugh because there is one part they, for a moment, has you thinking the wise man shot fireballs out of his hands... I was in shock. Not only that he was shooting fireballs, but that he apparently ripped them off from Drew Barrymore in Firestarter. She's all walking around on set, some bitch took my hot balls.... Tim ! Tim ! Where are they. Answer Ben Kingsley has them in "The last legion". Really, only take the time if you love this genre. I do. So I enjoyed, its fluff. Fun, can watch with the kiddies (lots of slicing, not to much blood, no sex :( ).

movie scale 2 out of 5 stars

Fantasy/swashbuckling scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Oh and for some reason they decide to tie this film to the Camelot, sword in the stone, tale, in like the last 138 seconds... I was a little confused. Whatever.

I'm off to that charity work I mentioned earlier

-Chuck B. Boonsweet- 

White men can jump!

JUMPER (2008)

Hayden Christensen... Yes his acting can be a little suspect at times. If I have to listen to one more douche pull up the acting dismemberment that was "Episode 3" ... I slap them, straight out. George Lucas loves cheese... have you seen the original star wars flicks, come on, Mark freaking Hamill. I love the movies, but they were cheese since scene one. Warrior teddy bears!? But I digress. So please, I think he acts how he is asked to act. And in the right role, it works.

In Jumper, he finds such a role. 

So plot, random genetic gene type thing, gives Hayden the ability to teleport anywhere, anytime (yes just like you imagined outside the girls locker room you dirtee dirtee bastards). Instead of going all "with great power, comes great responsibility" on us, he does the legit thing and starts robbing banks. living large, and removed from his shit small town. Time passes, and Hayden finds out in that there are others like him, and that their is a group (fronted by Samuel L Jackson doing his best Sisco impression, thong song? Google it bitches) that believes in death to all Jumpers. After finding out this news Hayden decides to track down his school crush, seduce her, and take her all over the world. Hayden meets another Jumper, together they try to bring the fight to the "Paladins". 

So first, this is not a great film. It was never meant to be. The entire purpose of this flick is to allow the consumption of popcorn, the giddy feelings that come with awesome effects, and letting you leave the theatre satisfied. Its just fun. The sets are awesome, the effects fit, and watching some of the scenes, with them jumping all over the world fighting is just.... (insert monk like chant of pleasure). I have read somewhere, a few would be boony peers, meaning fellow critics, are saying this film moves to slowly or awkwardly. No way folks, at 1 hour 23 minutes the movie flies by. And I thought some of the writing was actually pretty clever. Including the first scene where he meets his former school crush in her bar, some cool exchanges there. Samuel, in the platinum buzz cut, is gleefully over the top. 

I like the fact the main character is kind of a prick, but you can't help but like him. I mean would you save the orphans, or live like a god? Feel ashamed, we all know what we'd choose. bitches and cheddar yo!

Its fun, its quick.... and guaranteed you can expect a sequel. Ha, reminds me of my last erotic message....

movie scale 3 out of 5 stars

sci fi/action scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

- Boonsweet

I know what killed your career

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007)

Before I say anything about this movie, anything. I must first say one thing. One tiny little freaking mind numbing thing. To the director, producer, Lindsay freaking Lohan, writer, anyone that had any say over this movie. If you are going to attempt to make a bloody messy horror flick, and then decide to put a crazy hot young female in the lead... Do not, I repeat "danger Will Robinson" do not amputate her arm and leg in the first ten minutes. I mean yes, I understand their is a small amputee fetish community out there. But if I am going to fantasize about Lindsay Lohan, and I will, oh I will... she has four fully functioning limbs. That said, let us continue with this here reviewy thing I do bitches.

So plot, and despite the fact you will probably not ever watch this film, I will try to full fill my critics duty and not give away any, dare I call them, "twists". Lindsay Lohan is Aubrey. Aubrey is hot, popular, and rich. Also has a wee bit of an imagination. Aubrey disappears, turns up a few weeks later, missing an arm, and leg, and has no memory of who she is. She seems to think she's a stripper whore druggie (S.W.D. for short, my word, just thought I'd let you know) from the wrong side of the country. But her family and the police are all convinced that she is Aubrey, no doubts.... and we go from there. Some twists, some turns, some flashbacks. You get the idea.

The killer, as any slasher fan will tell you, is the most important part of any of these films. "Friday the 13th" had Jason, "Nightmare on elm street" had Freddy, and "I know who killed me" had, what can only be described as a psychotic member of the Blue man group. Never heard of the blue man group, you're on your computer, google that shit (ha, google, hello sponsors, wait... my ass still ain't got none... damn). Who turns out is also has the ability to teleport according to one scene, that really doesn't make sense when we find out who the freaking killer is. So many things wrong here, let's see, the worst part has got to be the writing. I mean listen, Lindsay Lohan can act. Fine, I know. Hate, I can feel it through my nut leather right now, but serious, is she a lost puppy I want to cuddle and fix? Yes. Is the guy that's choosing her movies a moron? Yes. Is there any excuse for Herbie: Fully Loaded? No. But you get rid of the horrible choices, and watch her, beneath the ridiculous dialog, she got some moves. The writing however, makes even a few of the seasoned actors look like high school anti drink sketch punks. 

Lindsay Lohan riding a bus holding a blood soaked towel around her hand, stranger on bus says, " You have to hold it above your heart"..."Your arm you have to hold it above your heart".

Lindsay does what he asks, then asks him, "Aren't you going to ask what happened?".... Stranger on bus, "People get cut, that's life".

Maybe they should have gone with horror-comedy as the genre, I mean, gosh. Or one scene where Lindsay proceeds to list some of the shit she has done in her life, 

"I have not been in a crack house, I did not get paid for sex with fat hairy men that smell like BO". 

Yeep, can't make this shit up. Well actually you should, because some dumbass will make the damn thing.

Anyway, despite all the negatives there are a few really cool directing touches that almost tricked me into liking this movie. One awesome scene on the stage.... oh, speaking of stage, all the times you have scene a Hollywood star try to strip, and been like, screw that, I been to a strip joint, that ain't how them hoes take my money.... well you won't say it here, Lindsay shakes that ass. Though somehow manages to keep her top on. Reason 213 why i hate the words "no nudity clause". And, AND! along with the few cool tricks, the story could have actually been something. The twists are kinda cool, and there are a few moments where the actors manage to wrap around the lines with some dignity, but eventually... just Ka-Ka. Poo. Doody. I mean when is the last night you saw an owl, on a branch, hooting while a killer buries a body? Like 83 maybe? Whatever, not the worst film I've seen. And Lindsay makes a really good stripper, and I liked the blue roses part... and I'm done.

Movie scale 1 our of 5 stars

Horror scale 2 out of 5 stars

-Boonsweet, out

Take a deep breath... and hold it, hold it

THE AIR I BREATHE (2007)

Ah independent big name filled, Oscar bait pictures... you never know what to expect. You can be treated to a truly pleasing experience or, crap critics (myself excluded) will be all over. Case in point "No country for old men". I reviewed, and totally called all the praise that it got...

So I had seen the preview for this film, and it did grab my attention. Rather packed with recognizable faces; Brendan Fraser, Forest Whitaker, Sarah Michelle Gellar (as some role that she still manages to be crazy hot in while not kicking ass), Kevin Bacon... and so on. And it had an interesting idea, a film broken down into four parts, based on emotional stages within an ancient Chinese proverb. Happiness, Pleasure, sorrow, love. 

So we start with Forest Whitaker, as a man with a well managed successful life, that hates his life, move from him to the tale of muscle for a mob type, and into a young starlets life as an up and comer, and finally to a doctor in love with his best friends wife. It is awesome watching how these stories crash into one another, sometimes lightly, other times, at mach two. The acting is great. I was shaking my head going, dang, how'd I manage to forget how awesome Kevin Bacon was... if you think I'm crazy rent "The woodsman" and eat face... movin on.

The directing is great, slow moving, strong musical score, really builds each scene. I have to say it was one movie that right until the last few minutes I wasn't sure how it would end. God I love that feeling. Unpredictability. Its a beautiful thing. Now there are some real emotional highs, and lows in this flick, as can be expected by the four stages. You will grow to really care about some of the main stays in each story, and even some characters that you find your self liking despite a small amount of screen time... again a testament to the writer. Brendan Fraser rocked my three striped socks in this folks. As the future seeing mob muscle, he runs the full spectrum, I especially liked an early scene between him and Whitaker, great stuff. 

Now will this film get as much attention as some of its fellow indie Oscar types, no. And the reason is, well, exposure. Its good, but is it Daniel Day Lewis in "there will be blood" good, how does it hold up against the crazy idea to make a movie about Bob Dylan with four different people. list goes on.

It is a very cool, involving, I guarantee you will love talking about this film right after you see it. Good tight writing, directing, acting... and well Sarah Michelle Gellar is pretty damn fine :)

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Boony says lata

How many words are there for BOOM?

RAMBO (2007)

I like when things explode. Somewhere in the nether regions of my man core, I get a soft, fluttery, tingle of happiness when chunks of building, dirt, and yes, even extras, fly at me... non literally of course, in the safety of a theatre, and the comfort that is, nachos and salsa. So this all being said, I was pretty dang excited to find out that Rambo was back. It has been a while since we've had a real deal 80s action-er hit the modern silver screen. If you are wondering what exactly classifies as an 80s action-er, I have provided a list. 

1) At least three to four scenes that involve so much carnage that it takes your eyes a few moments to adjust. Kind of like looking for the 3D pop out in one of those magic eye thangs.

2) Dialog that tries so hard to be moving, and poignant in between bullets, but only ends up making you smile at its awesome lameness, and the actors attempts at saying it with the "Take this crap serious face".

3) So many bodies you will actually wonder where they keep coming from, then after a while you just giggle and clap.

4) One to Eleven mullets.

5) Each scene has at least one "One liner" in it.

Rambo gloriously achieves all these and more. Stallone wrote it, directed it, and as far as film making goes, he is pretty good at giving folks exactly what they want from his characters (see Rocky Balboa 2006). The plot, if you care, is as such. Christians come to evil Burma to help the helpless with God and many bibles. They enlist Rambo to take them where they wanna go, insert churchy blonde girl that makes Rambo reconsider his path. Which, considering he's a tin shack snake wrangler, in freaking Burma... might not be such a bad idea. Anyway, he leaves them. Little while later, head of their church shows up, and I seriously can not make this stuff up here, informs him the group has been lost, and a group of Assassins has been gathered by the church to bring them back. So Rambo goes with them... and anything and everything that is not Rambo friendly goes boom.

The violence in this movie is insane, rape, group massacre, children being dismembered... Insane. So be prepared. It's a realistic attempt to capture what villagers in that part of the world have to deal with, and its the only way they can possibly justify the amount of people Stallone is going to kill... I believe the final tally is around 268-ish. The movie is just so much fun for any action fan, but to anyone who has just been made sick with the amount of style of substance lately, all the computer explosions, and shit, (does anyone even do bullet effects since the matrix) you will be in a warm happy place...

Don't worry about anything here really, because I would say there is about 15 minutes of this film that is talking. So gather the action fans in your block, or bedroom, and do this thing. Stallone is an action god. And man, does he kill things dead, and in so many fun ways. Quick final note, he has an all new big ass knife too... which he may or may not use to spill someones intestines... oh dang, spoiler ... ha.

Movie Scale 2 out of 5

Action movie scale 4 out of 5

Charles B. Boonsweet is out this peace bitches

A chip-munk off the ol' block

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (2007)

Little did I know I had a big soft spot for three- to four inch computer animated chipmunks, but hey I guess I do. So, if you are 20 plus I am sure you have crossed paths with the legendary chipmunks. Having been around for 50 freaking years, they've hit just about every demographic. From Christmas specials, to a TV series, countless albums, they are true media legends. But with the steady stream of remakes, and re -remakes, gotta say I was a wee bit worried when I heard that Alvin and his two 'munk companions would be brought to the big screen in computer animated/live action style. Then I heard Jason Lee (of My name is earl, and a ton of Kevin Smith flicks) was going to be playing their human friend, and I was a little less worried. 

So the plot, if it even really matters, is a by the numbers tale of three chipmunks, who when discovered by "Dave", become pop chart sensations. Of course their is an evil record producer looking to get them for themselves, and a side story involving Dave's ex girlfriend, and his issues with commitment, that of course, ties in to him and the chipmunks becoming a "Family". I don't think I really need to dive any further into the nut-meat of the flick. I'm sure as reasonably intelligent movie goers, you can piece it together from there. 

But despite the unoriginal ness, I had a good time here. I think on some level it does manage to rekindle some childhood type piece of your soul, and that over powers your brain, thank fully :)

Jason Lee is fun, and obviously acting badly to fit the role... at least I hope so. And the chipmunks are just a blast to watch, and the computer effects behind them are flawless, as are the voices. There are some real funny moments, and some great music. Also my fellow woodland creatures, don't be afraid to bring the whole troupe, nothing here to offend anyone. The whole family will love. 

So in closing, shut off the brain, open the kiddie heart, and grab some chocolate and popcorn... and maybe a couple of the neighbors kids if you have none of your own, and they won't be weirded out by it.

movie scale- 2.5 out of 5 stars

family scale - 3.5 out of 5 stars

(oh on a last note during the ending credits there is a cool montage to all the chipmunk albums over the years, kinda cool actually)

till the next nut wranglin episode fools...

Boonsweet out