CRAP! (feb '14)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

LIZZIE BORDEN'S REVENGE (2014)

Yes this movie is low budget. Yes it's pretty much D-list cheese. Yes It's TAV (Tits/ass/violence) And Yes sometimes that is not a bad thing in the horror genre is it? Girls. Blood. Dismemberment. That can be fun no matter what the budget right? The answer is yes. However, however... HOW-FREAKING-EVER... it can also be complete CRAP!

I mean like complete-did a horny teenager write this trash- CRAP! Also, hey how about the segment name dropping like a demon here. Booya... CRAP! Booniacs, have I got a treat for you. If you like production values in the dozens of dollars... if you like you acting borrowed from a porn set... if you like your blood CGI... and if you like your CGI blood to look like it was filmed as it was being thrown on to a TV that was playing the movie... well then... wait. Whoa. Wait. No one likes any of that shit... Dammit, right this is a CRAP! Segment.

Plot: Big fitted women party with booze. One of them becomes possessed by the spirit of the Axe Murderer Lizzie Borden. There. Enough with the plot.

Time to Rant bitches!

Step 1. Get Drunk. 2. Make out. 

Actual Writing: Girl walks into room naked.

Friend 1: Why are you naked?
Naked girl: It's a slumber party isn't it? This is how I sleep it's refreshing.
Friend 1: You're suppose to wear a nighty. Put something on. I don't want to be staring at your crack all night.
Friend 2 :Well Leslie would appreciate it, but she should just say no to crack.
(silence)
Friend 2: Why is no one laughing. Ok someone start laughing before I get really mad.

You know. If I had made that up, it would almost be funny. But truth Dear Booniacs, truth is there before you. (PLOT ALERT!) Did I mention this is moments before they debate playing truth or dare. And booze. Did I also mention all the girls are apparently 30-35 years old. And not teenagers. And talk like they are... And for some reason want to resurrect an evil chick from the past... Lizzie Borden. All it takes to connect with the evil spirits in another dimension is 6 chicks with an acting lesson between them holding hands and talking to the ceiling. Oh and there's flashbacks and stuff...

I would forgive every thing is wrong with this film. As a fan of all things horror and 80s, I have to accept the current generation of horror straight to VOD. BUT! Buuuuuuuut! I can not forgive the CGI blood. It is without a doubt the worst CGI blood ever. I mean ever. I don't even know if the effect classifies as CGI. Thats like saying if I drew a stick figure on a napkin I just painted. You know when someone tastes something awful and then they make you smell it and its awful and you both laugh...

You will NOT walk away from me with your clothes on!

It's like that... only there will be no laughing. And well, it was all down hill from there. It's the little things. The little unbelievably messed up things. For instance A man recording himself with a handheld camera... somehow, when the scene shifts to his perspective, he is clearly not looking into the camera hahaha. Serious. He is talking to the camera... looking directly into it. They cut to it, and he's looking left of the shot.

Listen the issue with all these indie, boob and CGI flicks is simple... they think it was all about the blood and the boobs. And you know what, it wasn't it. The glory days of exploration horror were about weird and cool, and twisted creative shit. It was so damn over the top you just had to watch it. Cheesy acting could be hidden with cool one liners... A ridiculously insane story could cover some bad effects... boobs could fill in some dragging plot.. etc... the problem is that when you put bad acting, bad effects, bad story, no cool, and then just think you can make up for it with a lil blood and boobs... well, sorry punks. That shit don't fly in this coop.

Did I mention the heart to heart where the sad misunderstood perv confessing he's just gay? Ya, and he created the whole perv thing so his mom wouldn't be disappointed with him. WHAT!? I mean, I'm sorry... WHAT?

Do i need to talk about the directing? No. I refuse.

Movie scale .5 (thats right, a half point, B&B record) out of 5
Horror movie scale 1.5 our of 5

What is with all this interest in Lizzie Borden anyway? Though I doubt the Christina Ricci offering will be that much better...

Mmmmmmm Christina Ricci...

Chuck B. Boonsweet is out this piece folks!