Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Most redundant title EVER!


So we have the return to form of Arnold Schwarzenegger with The Last Stand. You have Bruce Willis returning with the lackluster A good day to die hard. That means there is only one left... Sly Stone himself... Sylvester Stallone. The final piece of the 90s action threeway. Now I for one want to point out two things about the 90s... they are, and always will be the greatest decade for action films. The straight to video market was booming. The one liners were not as of it over saturated, and damn, I was hitting puberty so all in all. Great decade. Second thing, the fact that the big three aforementioned stars can still draw huge numbers at the box office while there have been no peeps to step up and claim the belt is just sad. Honorary mention to the rock and Tony Jaa. But really, they still have that allure. That untouchable awesomeness that has translated to the next generation through their parents, and well, exploring the world of cinema on their own. Hey it does happen, not every prepubescent stops at the am I team Jacob or Team Edward chat.

Arnold returned with a Bang. Bruce had another mediocre entry... and Sly... well....

Ok. Bullet to the head is as follows: Aging hit man, and his partner kill a guy. Then get double crossed. Partner dies - aging hitman survives to seek vengeance on those that wronged him. An cop (fast and furious' - Sung Kang) Taylor, enlisted the hitman to help him bust a big bad guy he's wanted forever. Of course there is a super badguy employed by the big bad guy . In this case Jason Momoa. Um, so you as an action ... can probably fill in the blanks. Bad assassin kills everyone in his path but can't seem to put Sly down (until some grand climax). Um sly and the cop of course hit each other at first, and mock and joke at each others expense. Oh and Sly has a daughter (who of course is at odds with his hitman career choice)... anyone guess she'll be used against him later in the film? You get a cookie.

So lets start with good. The opening scene is fun, violent, and had promise. The opening little scuffle between Sly and the big bad is awesome. They completely destroy a washroom. Ok. Good. Now, everything else inbetween this scene, and the end showdown is horrid. Bad. Do Not pass go. No 200$. Go home and punch yourself in the nuts bad... but then the damn showdown really is a lotta of fun. It also happens to be the first time we see Jason Momoa show any emotion, or say anything really.

Go ahead. Axe me why I'm still doing this... Axe me!

Ok, as you can tell. The bad out weighs the good. First. This film has some of the worse writing you will ever hear in a film. I actually cringed. Moi, cringed, multiple times. I mean this is a small action film with Sly Stallone in it. Half the movie should be shit blowing up anyway. How hard is it to fill the space between? Apparently its closer to rocket science than I thought...
Uh... its bad.
Listening to Sly and Sung try to push through their "we hate each other but maybe we'll end up friends" banter is just horrible. Alright, I wasn't going to quote any horrible lines, but there is one that starts with Sung explaining how he could kill stallone with his Cell phone. Ya it ends as such:
"Or, I could take the battery out, and drop it in your coffee, poison you"
- "Ya well I could kill you with this apple"
Yup. If you're thinking its a so bad its good scenario. No. No it is not. Sung who has been good I guess in the Fast films, is beyond bad here. The director must have been of scene saying things like -"No! More monotone, Moooorrrrrre monotone!"
Well, this is probably his worst film since.... I don't know... a while. Get Carter maybe? Ya I'll go with that. And I think I may have actually given Get Carter the edge. Anyone who has seen Get Carter knows thats saying something. A lot of something. lol.... A lot a lot of something. And I get the film is called Bullet to the head but does that mean every time someone gets offed with a gun it has to be a relatively closeup of a bullet smashing into their skull? I get it. Ya. I get it thats why the movie is called bullet to the head... I freaking get it!

Look. First rule of a brainless action movie - be cool. And there are moments. Christian Slater's (scene stealing) torture for example, but then Sly and Sung have some banter thrown in and bam, back to sucks ville. Jason Momoa's bad guy is actually pretty slick and badass, shame he doesn't actually get any time on screen to be all intimidating because his "Boss" a cripple with world domination plans, gets more screen time. Hahahahahaha
So to recap. Big muscle cool bad guy that is eventually going to have a kick ass AXE SHOWDOWN with Sly is relegated to back up a guy that has two crutches, is about as interesting as paint drying, and wants to take over some part of a city somewhere.

One of the worse action films of the last ten years. In fact I almost considered putting this in the CRAP! segment. Listen Sly, I know you and the boys are glad to have your jobs back... but you have to step up to impress the new world of fans here... and well, at least try to keep the old faithful ones around.

So disappointed.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Action scale 2.5 out of five 5 stars (1 entire point of that rating is Just i repeat JUST for the axe showdown).

OOoooooooh. A last note. The music. Oh my god the music is bad. They go for this whole down and dirty blues vibe. Fine. But they ah, mustve only paid for one song... No joke. One song plays through 90% of the film. ONE SONG. Over and over. It's like, oh scene change, wait for it, and there it is. Just so freaking cheap. I mean this is basically straight to video, low low budget crap all around... acting directing, writing, music, lighting (ya and how freaking often to I mention the lighting?). How is Sly in this? Sigh.

Chuck "I miss the 90s" Boonsweet signing off.

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