Monday, March 11, 2013

CRAP (March '13)


Hello again, my beautiful people.  Your old pal Ken here is feeling the effects of a cold that's weighing me down.  And in my sick haze, I thought "Hey, I'm feeling like crap.  What better time is there to do a CRAP! review?"  Well, the actual answer is "ANY OTHER TIME".  However, I'm here in front of the computer, so why not just do it?  To be honest, I've actually been looking forward to doing this review, because it means I can forget about this movie existing all the sooner. But let's not delay any further, here we go.

First, this story takes place in modern times.  So if you're looking to see old school wenches in too-tight bodices and whatnot, you're outta luck friends.  So in this modern take, Hansel and Gretel live in the town of Candlewood.  Gretel works in a bakery called 'The Gingerbread House" (yes, that's as close to the original gingerbread house as you're getting in this) for her boss Lilith (played by the only big name in this whole thing, Dee Wallace).  Hansel is happy living with his father and his father's girlfriend, playing video games and the like.  One evening the H&G's father makes the announcement that he and his girlfriend have gotten engaged, and are planning to move out of Candlewood.  Hansel decides to throw a huge hissy fit about it (making me instantly dislike him) and runs out of the house.  Gretel tries to talk to him, but he proceeds to continue his "poor me" routine (way to make me hate one of the main protagonists!!) and runs off.  Gretel follows after him, and good thing too, as Hansel's night gets worse when he steps into a bear trap, or at least something similar to it.  Anyway, instead of going back the way they came, they see a cabin not far from them and go to get help.  That sort of doesn't make sense to me, as from the time Hansel ran off to the point Gretel catches up to him in the woods, it doesn't seem like they went all that far.  But who am I to point out such things?  Oh, wait.  I'm KEN MF'ING BUCKLESWORTH!!

Ahem, sorry about that.  Anyway, they're surprised to find Gretel's boss Lilith answering the door.  Lilith rushes them in and feeds them, where Hansel quickly passes out.  He gets out on a couch, but not too long after, Gretel unexpectedly passes out herself.  You probably know where this is headed.  Hansel is locked up in a hidden cellar with a few other prisoners.  Gretel finds the secret door to the cellar, and Lilith has her chained up.  Lilith opens up to Gretel, revealing that she was special to her, and wanted Gretel to join her family of people eaters.  After continuously turning Lilith down, and a failed attempt to escape, Lilith gives up and throws her into the cellar with the rest.  From here on in, it's nothing but Hansel and Gretel trying to escape from the cabin, with their father and future step mom, and two dumbass cops trying to find them.

This movie is booorrrinng.  As I already stated, Hansel was an annoying tool, and Gretel had very little charisma,  And as they are the two "heroes" of the story, that's a terrible combination.  It was one of those rare times when I looked at the time here and there to see how much of the flick was left.  It's become a bad habit today where I find I don't care about the main characters that I'm supposed to like.  And it's just gotta stop.  When did it become such a problem to have people in movies I can like and want to root for?  When I hate the main characters (especially as early as I did in H&G) the rest of the movie (more often than not) tends to lose me interest-wise.

"String, my one weakness!!"  Just one of the odd hallucinations later in the movie.

This, however, does bring up one performance that deserves to be talked about.  And that is Dee Wallace's role as Lilith.  It seemed to me she was having a blast the whole time, and she put a lot of energy into it.  The sad thing is, there were big chunks of the movie where she wasn't on screen, which made those sections drag on longer than it seemed.  And in the second half of the movie, I actually wondered more than once when Dee was going to be back on the screen.

To be perfectly honest, there's not a whole lot more to say.  The scenery was pretty enough, if you're into forests.  The practical effects weren't too shabby, though there wasn't a whole lot of that actually going on really.  And there's a really weird part in the last third of the movie where the heroes inhale some sort of gas and starts to hallucinate things, and it goes on for close to ten minutes.  I have to admit though, the pastries in this movie did look quite tasty.

Here's my final word of the matter: if you're a huge Dee Wallace fan, you should at least check it out just to see her performance.  Chances are though, you're going to be in the same boat I was in and wonder when you'll see her next because of how boring everything in between is.  Aside from that, don't watch this movie.  If you feel the need to watch something lame and cheesy, watch almost anything else from The Asylum.  Or do what Chuck B. is doing and watch some Corman or other 80's cheese fest.  I'll be back to review something better soon.  Sayonara!!

Movie rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror/cheese rating: 1 out of 5 stars

- Ken Bucklesworth
Follow @KenBucklesworth, @Tallwhitefox @BoonsBuckles

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