Thursday, March 21, 2013

Alpha Beta Die

VAMP U (2013)

Ok I will admit it, after witnessing that poster... Charles Boonsweet had to see this movie. I accepted a few things 1) That is was an indie vamp/comedy so expectations low, 2) That I had to expect the aforementioned poster boobs would be a lie, and 3) a plain white T, boobs, and a plain Jane cool tag line... just maybe damn it I had hope.

Hope lives!

I tell you now, this movie almost... alllllmost got it right. Ok, so the story is that an old vampire Wayne Gretzky - yup, no relation - played by a B movie known type; Adam Johnson - is impotent. That meaning that he can't get his fangs up due to killing his one and only love centuries ago. You see this thing happens when he finds someone that can get his Fang up, he vamps outta control and kills them... bummer. Cue the TV travelled super cutie Julie Gonzalo, playing Chris Keller a student at the University Wayne Gretzky teaches at. The students think he's the awesomeness teacher, due to his keen sense of history. They meet, start having a bunch of sex, his fangs get hard, and wouldn't you know it... he kills her. She comes back as the undead (turns out all vamps have to do is drink a persons blood for that person to change), and not just a vamp but a super vampire. So it will be up to the Professor, the comic relief guy, and some dude that was crushing on Keller pre-vampire, to take her and her wicked hot sorority vamped up girls down.

Phew, k lots going on there. First, here is a very easy way to find out if you want to watch this movie; watch the first five minutes. It opens with a student making his "last" recording, before heading off for the final battle. He basically digresses twice and tells you, the audience, off, and it was very funny. I laughed, and thought, Hmmm, maybe there's a chance. If that is how you feel after the first five minutes, before the kid steps away from the camera... than stick around, you are in for a few genuine laughs. And some quality... wait was that slapstick?

Serious? You shoooooore you don't wanna try the koolaid?
The problem is: With all the wonderful corny lines, solid over the top performances, and B-movie horror/comedy clearly established... it forgets one very important thing... it's audience. You have a script that is better than most. You have a cast that is having waaaaaay too much fun with it. Heck, you even design one of the coolest ways to kill a Vamp I've seen on film... and while we're add it this film does pretty much just decide which rules to follow and which to ignore... maybe the filmmakers shoulda spent a wee bit-o-time at the "Vamp U" get it... ya. I'm clever...

Ah, stupid digression, yes, their audience... much like I just forget mine... This is a film that well appeal to one set genre of fans. These fans will wear your shirts, buy your DVD, tattoo a cool slogan from your film on a sleeve, all of that, if you just choose to embrace them. The sad point is, you have a film littered with beautiful women, a great set up to unlimited violence, a scene involving trading sex for blood... and yet really, you take out a few swear words, and we have a PG film. Yup. Get rid of one half of the 2 buckets of blood there was, add Selena Gomez (or some similar likeness - I'm not really in the Disney loop), and Bam! Disney movie of the week. They would have called it, um, Wands vs Fangs - trademarked!

You see that's the issue, and dammit it if I'm not running into it a lot lately. This probably explains my sudden voyage into 70s, and 80s flicks. Just pissed off that people aren't just going for it. Throw blood at every second scene. Insert one 20-30 blood orgy scene. Let vampires fight... at least once, is all that too much to ask? Hmmm? And then you guys (being all the people involved with this) would have been seeing Vamp U tanks at every horror convention. Trust. I know these things.

Of course they could've just owned up from the start and made it a clear PG label!

Still, my disappointment in the marginally R film aside, I really did enjoy the majority of the insanity. If you go in with my warning heeded, and expected a light romp, I do believe ye shall enjoy.

That's it...
I'm watching an old school evil Dracula flick just to balance out.
Did want to mention this film does have one of the greatest laugh out louds (yes I freaking spelt it I refuse to say Lolz) moments. Big comedy guy + slow motion tanning salon heist = giggle.

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars
horror/comedy scale 3 out of 5 stars

Charles Boonsweet signing off,
saying look both ways, and don't eat squirrels.

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