Sunday, December 2, 2012

Damme Gren boot face smash whomp What!?


Many moons ago action films were king. I speak of years of Nine, before the year of new millennia, when names like Stallone, and Seagal, and many more, were born of cheesy lines of one, and dangerously high levels of machismo, to become something more - action stars. One of the biggest in the mix was Jean Claude Van-Damme. To be known for the rest of this -  a recording of his fourth journey into lands of reanimated soldiers - as JCVD.

So, JCVD made many movies of boot to face action, none more successful than Universal Soldier. The film concerned Vietnam war soldiers that after dying (because the evil sergeant D. Lundgren went nuts and killed everyone) are brought back to existence as nearly invulnerable super soldiers. They of course are mindless slaves to military orders. So, I mean what could go wrong? Oh ya, they remember, good ol' Dolph - yes you may call me Drago - Lundgren goes back to being insane and Van-Damme had to stop him again.

I thought a lot about what to call this review, and then I realized, inspired by this film, it really didn't have to make sense. So there you have it.

How many years are we past the original? Who knows.
Why are Lundgren and Van-Damme now friends? No idea.
How is Lundgren back after having a metal pipe go through his head in the 3rd one? (raised hands in slow motion shrug).
Why does Van-Damme do an homage to Star Trek's Let that be your last battlefield ? Who freaking knows... and was that a slightly geek related reference, yes, yes it was.

Who knows and who cares here's what I do. Some guy played by Scott Adkins (Undisputed III, Ninja, and the evil side kick to Van Damme in Expendables 2) gets pissed at Van-Damme. Van-Damme is apparently running a new Universal Soldier rebellion. Um, Andrei "I was a real UFC champ" Arlovski, is back. After being blown up. Somehow. And he is even more ready to whomp ass. A lot of it. He is a plumber by day, and government killing machine by night. Along the way to revenge Scott will realize that all is not as it seems, oh and that he needs to have a bat fight with Andrei. And at the end Van-Damme goes trek homage, in an underground church thing. And fights, and more fights.

Yes a mano, a mano, brawl with aluminum bats. Does that make your man parts tingle? It should.

This film needs to be appreciated in one way, with your brain turned off. It's a well acted, extremely fast paced, well choreographed film (Notice no mention of the writing) Van-Damme and Lundgren taking a backseat to the emerging talent that is Adkins. I watched this film with my partner in review crime and I believe he said it best "Really, you know, I just have to stop expecting this film to make sense and just enjoy Lundgren and Damme"

Yup. There is your view rule. Think of it like 3D glasses, only when you put them on you just enjoy and think... less. I shall call them action shades.


Did I mention there is a crazy awesome hard R rated brawl in a whore house? Or the very slick showdowns sprinkled throughout?

Wait so there's clones? Ahhhhhh who knows, but that Van-Damme throws down! This is an action film for action fans. For my money part 3 is still the best contained story within the series since the original, but with each film Adkins and director John Hyams (Universal Soldier: Regeneration, Dragon Eyes) are getting better at what they do... bringing back the fun as hell man violence.

Movie scale 2.5 our of 5 stars
Action scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

I almost wanted to rate this on a Damme scale, I resisted. If you are fans of anything he has done, or like a few of us, everything... you are gunna have a blast with this one... and Lundgren is one bad dude!

-Chuck "I kick things" Boonsweet saying... wait... where did all those clones come from? No... no stupid brain... stupid stupid brain.

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