Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Food poisoning

THE COOK (2008)

Ah the glory days of the slasher still live in the underbelly of the independent film community. Wait did I say glory days, I meant the tradition of cranking out uber violent sex filled attempts at film that occasionally entertain. The Cook came close folks it really... well ok, let me start at the beginning here. 
So, sorority house full of damn fine ladies (by independent standards they really out did them selves, I mean so of these ladies are mighty fine), a replacement cook shows up. While they party, screw, mingle, and one good one tries to study, he systematically offs them. Then, in particularly violent ways, grinds them into meat and feeds them in fancy dishes to the remaining house guests. Unaware they are eating their friends. The whole situation made more strange by the fact that the Cook can't speak English. So there are some interesting scenes where he's talking to a girl about how he's going to kill her friends (care of subtitles) while she giggles and says, "i have no idea what you're saying". Oh cute soon to be dead English girl.

Okay, first, this movie could have been cool. I mean that. Hot chicks, with much, unashamedly so, nudity, blood, a psychotic psycho... I mean all the chocolate chips are there for a mighty fine cookie. Oh but there are mighty big problems. First the budget did not hold this movie back... make up looked good, setting being one house, really won't notice the cheapness that much, other than in the acting. Definitely got the "D" team. But really I mean who needs the girls to act in a film like this, they just need to be cute, de-clothe and die, and boy howdy are they good at that (I especially enjoyed the tormented catholic girl who gives in to her desires to be dominated by her lesbian neighbor, only to end up naked and chained up, at the mercy of the Cook). The problems start with the writing, my freaking god. Since ol' Boony here has dabbled in the art of screen play let me make you aware of a problem I came across early in my writing; Writing chicks like they were dudes. And sweet Mary does it annoy the crap out of me. Women can be dirty, women can love sex, but women, for the most part anyway, do not talk like guys. Meaning sex this, f--- hoe that, sex sex sex, masturbate this, whore that. I swear the whole movie I was like, yeep, guy wrote this. I mean if I hadn't seen them all naked I might have actually thought these sex crazed hoes were hombres.
Serious try to sit through this film with a chick, I give her about three minutes before she says something about the girls being insanely, impossibly slutty. Yes we all wish women were like this... they're not. Second major issue with this film, what the hell it wanted to be. Does it wanna be a serious little B slasher, or a campy classic? It seems to lose itself often, never quite wanting to commit to one genre or another. I mean the killer is completely over the top (painfully so at some points), but then the humor is pretty sparse at some points... and there's what i can only assume was suppose to be some attempt at character development, plus they do through in the whole "We'll make a sequel, if you let us" at the end. 
I don't know, cool idea, gone wrong with horrible writing, some weak directing. Can't even be saved with hot naked chicks and blood shed, and I mean shit that saved like at least 327 movies during the 80s... Oh it makes me smile....

Movie scale 1 out of 5 stars
Horror/slasher scale 2.5 out of 5 stars (only because off the blood and TNA... that is all, and if you're wondering if there is that much, yeep there is, because without it we were looking at a 1.0 here)

-Chuck B. Boonsweet

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