And when the time is right... I'll give her the Hammer.

THOR (2): THE DARK WORLD

So. I just wanna say that poster is some classic movie poster posing gold... that is all, I'll continue...

Marvel pulled it off. They had a magical god hero that swings a hammer and commands thunder and they managed to find the right actor (Chris Hemsworth), and brought him to the screen not only successfully, but very.

Still, Thor was not without his issues. While he was a blast in the AVENGERS, his own debut vehicle was rather slow at points, and other than a few hand to hand tumbles and the last ten minutes, rather devoid of excitement. But here we are, sequel time, and time for Marvel's Wave 2 to really show just how good these guys are at building their characters, and universe... Dammit DC get it together!

The story this time around... Evil elves fought Thor's people long ago. In fact they almost destroyed the universe with a super evil artifact... Buuuut were defeated. Go figure (You as a side note it must be rather frustrating attempting to conquer the known universe... I mean the disappointment). Fast forward to modern day. Thor is attempting to right the real, his evil Brother Loki is mopping in Asgard prison, while on earth Thor's love Jane Foster mangoes to find a tear in fabric of the universe that leads her to be possessed by the ancient evil those elves wanted... and you know... of course have just returned to find... RUH-ROH. So Thor well have to battles elves, save the universe, and try to explain why he didn't return Jane's texts... or something like that.

There really is only one tool for the job. The job being- kicking ass! 

So. Yes the plot is silly. But folks, we are talking a comic book movie about mythical creatures. Including a hero that lives in a magic land and has a hammer he throws. I mean a stone hammer... If you are shaking your head asking things like - Come on, what are the odds Jane falls through the one crack in the fabric of the universe that leads to the all evil thingy... well, if you are asking that, you probably a) Have never read a comic (how does lois always find herself in so much trouble?) b) You should just slap yourself, hard and c) Go watch a step up sequel.

lol

I mean we are not in the land of sense here. You just have to roll with it, and if you do, and you just happen to love you some Marvel big screen hero action... well folks, this is one fun ride.

So. You like the Slayer album bro?

First no more hour long intro the characters like the first one, this film has one thing on it's mind - ACTION! And that is Allllll right with me. Explosion. Hammer smashing. A lil romance. A lil comedy and BAM! Good times.

Some of the action scenes are just a blast to behold (even the surprisingly Sci-fi looking ship battles in Thor-land).

All you fans of the evil brother (aka AVENGERS villain - Loki) well you will be getting your fix here. And I enjoyed his transition (at least for a bit) into a man with a united agenda with Thor's own. To see their brotherly hate, and yet, respect, is always an entertaining balance. If say so, and I do, one of, if not the primary relationship of the story. Sorry Natalie Portman but your cute plucky Jane Foster suffers Stars Wars like issues. Mainly, everything else is more interesting than the romance.

Alan Taylor steps up from his mostly TV filled resume to really show that he can handle a big budget picture. In fact the fun he is having really comes across in the camera work and battle scenes. Looking forward to seeing what project this guy tackles next ... word has it the new TERMINATOR flick... booya!

Overall this is a great time, and I would say I enjoyed it as much at least... as Iron Man 3. Gunna be interesting to see how Captain America 2 compares in a few months...

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
Superhero scale 3.5 out 5 stars

Thor is definitely one of the most entertaining characters of the Marvel movie universe. I wonder who will take out the leader role now that RDJ's Iron man is on the way out... Hmmmmm

- Chuck Boonsweet.

short cuts ... and long deep gorey cuts

EXIT TO HELL aka SICKLE (2013)

How many times have you, my dear Booniacs, heard (ok read really, unless you know me in the real world in which case...) me ranting on how there was not enough gore. Not enough Practical makeup bloodshed, and not enough good, ol' fashioned T&A in some indie horror adventure. Ranting on how they forgot their audience, and tried to make oscars outta tinfoil.

Well... Who woulda thought... I'd be here writing that a film gave me all I asked for, all I have been missing... and somehow just forgot everything else... lol... I am shock.

And this here story goes... There is a town - Red Stone. This town is filled with evil rednecks and cannibals, and their sheriff (OMG! Mister screen slasher himself KANE HODDER) kills any outsider that wanders through. Luckily all the wanders are evil people. So we don't have to feel to bad for them.

Looking for more plot? There isn't any. That's it.

Ok, first I'm gunna say finally a horror film that gets it's audience. The B horror crowd that will show up to support modern Grindhouse. Pops, and cracks, layered through the flick. Donttrytohideit Green screen, the whole nine. Boobs, tons of the red stuff, all practical (except one inexplicable decapitation, WTF punks). Non stop violence, and one liners, some clap and laugh moments. Just a great time all around. I mean the story is basically... bad guys chase bad guys to hick town... they all die.

There is a moment in the middle of the flick where KANE is explaining how the town draws a certain crowd. And I though they might actually imply that anyone not born there that came was bad, brought to him to be ended. How cool would that be... like an End of the road for villains. Then you could have some good girl that gets caught up... and ends up trying to survive Hodder and bad guys... only well. None of that happens. There is no one to root for... no survivor girl... and well that's a problem. How could you know your audience soooooo well, and not give us a hero. The point is... cool bad guy kills everyone... you cheer, then last one standing you cheer for to take him out!

My, Jimbob She's a reeeeaaalllll purdy lady. 

Thats where the issues start. There is a film within the film here... Necro Wars actually looks pretty damned cool, and is played throughout... others in the film are watching it. This film within a film takes up about 7-8 minutes of screen time. So, um, if you eliminate the credits this film... without Necro Wars is an hour long... ya. An hour.

What the heck people. Do you think that's worth someone $? This is the digital age... 60 minutes? But then, like I said, this movie is literally all death and boobs. So hey, perhaps there will be an audience. Heck ,of course there will... but 60 minutes?!

Kane has a blast in this film. Some of his lines are great... You wanna know why you're alive? Well, my freezer's full. I mean slasher gold. But sadly he really doesn't get enough time to shine... because they well... only have 60 freaking minutes lol. I think a hero chick... little back ground on the town, heck, a couple of the rednecks getting taking out... there you know. Plus you establish a supernatural element to the town... you can even Kill and bring back Kane for a sequel... BAM! Ok... I'm horror nerd ranting... I know. But... there was sooooo much to love here. Cheap indie splatter fest in the best sense... I just needed more... well just more.

Here's the thing... the blood, the gore, the sex, all of it has to be tied together in an awesome package in order to ascend beyond the crap out there. I can't believe I am here... having to say a blood filled full speed horror flick needed more developement but damn it... I am.

Is that a Sickle slice to the forehead? Yup. It is. 

I am so torn up inside right now. But hey, for 60 minutes it was a lot of fun. Kane is a horror icon and rightfully so. Not quite a Brucey Campbell, but hey there's Kane love out there. Tiffany Shelps (as point out by my boi Bucklesworth) is another indie horror icon in her own right. There is a few very gory moments... cute girls... fun. And the movie within a movie... actually pretty damn cool.. at the end I was thinking that perhaps the film would cut off to finish Necro Wars and hey that woulda been A-O-K with me... But that didn't happen.

And 1 more quick thing... the peeps that made this flick really love them some Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I mean who don't yo... but I mean... they reallllllly love them some Texas chainsaw massacre so prepare... for a lot of TCM influence... including the "Dinner" scene.

movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 2.5 out of 5 stars (I was tempted to dock another point for the hour running time... but hey... if you're in the mood for straight indie blood soaked cinema, here it is... )

Man... the horror is all ova tha place. Good, the bad, and some ugly... Hope you guys are finding a few gems in the mix out there.

-Chuck Boonsweet is out this piece. Um. Till next and stuff.

@Tallwhitefox

CRAP! (feb '14)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

LIZZIE BORDEN'S REVENGE (2014)

Yes this movie is low budget. Yes it's pretty much D-list cheese. Yes It's TAV (Tits/ass/violence) And Yes sometimes that is not a bad thing in the horror genre is it? Girls. Blood. Dismemberment. That can be fun no matter what the budget right? The answer is yes. However, however... HOW-FREAKING-EVER... it can also be complete CRAP!

I mean like complete-did a horny teenager write this trash- CRAP! Also, hey how about the segment name dropping like a demon here. Booya... CRAP! Booniacs, have I got a treat for you. If you like production values in the dozens of dollars... if you like you acting borrowed from a porn set... if you like your blood CGI... and if you like your CGI blood to look like it was filmed as it was being thrown on to a TV that was playing the movie... well then... wait. Whoa. Wait. No one likes any of that shit... Dammit, right this is a CRAP! Segment.

Plot: Big fitted women party with booze. One of them becomes possessed by the spirit of the Axe Murderer Lizzie Borden. There. Enough with the plot.

Time to Rant bitches!

Step 1. Get Drunk. 2. Make out. 

Actual Writing: Girl walks into room naked.

Friend 1: Why are you naked?
Naked girl: It's a slumber party isn't it? This is how I sleep it's refreshing.
Friend 1: You're suppose to wear a nighty. Put something on. I don't want to be staring at your crack all night.
Friend 2 :Well Leslie would appreciate it, but she should just say no to crack.
(silence)
Friend 2: Why is no one laughing. Ok someone start laughing before I get really mad.

You know. If I had made that up, it would almost be funny. But truth Dear Booniacs, truth is there before you. (PLOT ALERT!) Did I mention this is moments before they debate playing truth or dare. And booze. Did I also mention all the girls are apparently 30-35 years old. And not teenagers. And talk like they are... And for some reason want to resurrect an evil chick from the past... Lizzie Borden. All it takes to connect with the evil spirits in another dimension is 6 chicks with an acting lesson between them holding hands and talking to the ceiling. Oh and there's flashbacks and stuff...

I would forgive every thing is wrong with this film. As a fan of all things horror and 80s, I have to accept the current generation of horror straight to VOD. BUT! Buuuuuuuut! I can not forgive the CGI blood. It is without a doubt the worst CGI blood ever. I mean ever. I don't even know if the effect classifies as CGI. Thats like saying if I drew a stick figure on a napkin I just painted. You know when someone tastes something awful and then they make you smell it and its awful and you both laugh...

You will NOT walk away from me with your clothes on!

It's like that... only there will be no laughing. And well, it was all down hill from there. It's the little things. The little unbelievably messed up things. For instance A man recording himself with a handheld camera... somehow, when the scene shifts to his perspective, he is clearly not looking into the camera hahaha. Serious. He is talking to the camera... looking directly into it. They cut to it, and he's looking left of the shot.

Listen the issue with all these indie, boob and CGI flicks is simple... they think it was all about the blood and the boobs. And you know what, it wasn't it. The glory days of exploration horror were about weird and cool, and twisted creative shit. It was so damn over the top you just had to watch it. Cheesy acting could be hidden with cool one liners... A ridiculously insane story could cover some bad effects... boobs could fill in some dragging plot.. etc... the problem is that when you put bad acting, bad effects, bad story, no cool, and then just think you can make up for it with a lil blood and boobs... well, sorry punks. That shit don't fly in this coop.

Did I mention the heart to heart where the sad misunderstood perv confessing he's just gay? Ya, and he created the whole perv thing so his mom wouldn't be disappointed with him. WHAT!? I mean, I'm sorry... WHAT?

Do i need to talk about the directing? No. I refuse.

Movie scale .5 (thats right, a half point, B&B record) out of 5
Horror movie scale 1.5 our of 5

What is with all this interest in Lizzie Borden anyway? Though I doubt the Christina Ricci offering will be that much better...

Mmmmmmm Christina Ricci...

Chuck B. Boonsweet is out this piece folks!