Sunday, December 1, 2013

CRAP! (Dec '13)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

DRACULA (2013)

So Booniacs, and Buckleheads it's time for another exciting episode of the rant-tastic, rage-hard, bitch the likes of which few have bitched before... Well, basically, we stumble across a film so bad that it does not require our usual restraint, and respect. A film so bad we reach outside our rules (No major spoilers) and throw it out there... in hopes that you will heed our warnings, and voyage not into the entertainment abyss we have just witnessed...

It's a lot of fun.

For the month of December, in the 13th year of this new Millineum I bring you Dario Argento's Dracula. Why is it Dario's Argento's Dracula, well because decades ago Mr. Argento was one of the greatest, and most fantastic horror (or film for that matter) directors to ever grace the small foldy chair on set. The master behind Deep Red, Tenebre, Suspiria, Phenomena, and damn it the list goes on. But like many a directorial Genius he did not fade into the sunset... no he stayed around to do his best to destroy his legacy...

So plot. If you freaking want one. Dracula is a vampire, all powerful. He can transform into wolves, and bats, and bugs, and wait... was that a giant Praying Mantis? Yes it was. Yes... it... was. He can also seduce, memory wipe, hypnotize, and move objects with his mind. So you know, wow, no one could ever stand a chance against the guy really. Anyway, your shit plot continues... Man shows up to help Dracula with something. Dracula sucks his blood. His fiance shows up looking for him, then Dracula decides to suck her blood... but wait... Van Helsing shows up to stop him!

Prop guy: Ran out of fake blood. Found Koolaid pack... 

Ta-Da. The end. You know what, screw it, I could probably wrap this bitch up right there... but no... No i will not... FOR I MUST RANT!

First this film has some of the worst CGI ever. I mean we are talking below Syfy channel here. The wolf transformation is just shameful. There is also a scene where Dracula bitch slaps his large breasted vampire minion across a room... and wait for it - the body that slides across the room is CGI!? Why? I have no freaking idea. Is it that hard to drag someone across the floor? Make it look like they were thrown? I mean they did it in Paranormal Activity and that movie cost like 2.50 $. Le sigh.

There is also a CGI scene later when Dracula shows up as a swarm of bugs. This... this one probably bothered me more than any other effect because, I mean, Dario Argento made Phenomena like 30 years ago... about a girl that controls bugs, and had an entire house swarmed by flies (in a film with a smaller budget!)... and he some how decided to go with absolutely shit "I designed this on a freaking Ipad" effects. What the F is going on Dario? Have you simply forgot everything you ever learned, or did over the years?

People are always leaving their gum in the damndest places. 

Next up... oh lets bitch about music. Sure why not. I mean how often is the music so bad that you get to seriously bitch about it... You ever watched a comedy halloween special on the Disney channel, and the music is all super over the top, you know, for laughs. Well, apparently they sampled the soundtrack for this film. I do not joke. It is that bad. I mean this is a director that changed the idea of what a horror soundtrack could be (The band GOBLIN anyone?) again inexcusable. Then, as if to rub it in your face... he throws in a killer metal song at the end... as the credits rolled all I could think was - Seriously?! Where was this for the whole film.

Am i done? (dramatic pause...) NO I AIN'T DONE. But aside from the cheesy made for TV directing. But aside the horrible acting, writing, lighting (serious, she has one candle, and no electricity how is her whole room lit up?), costumes... I may have been able to let all that slide (No that's a lie) if not for the horrible switch at the end. Dracula goes from - All bad ass, and ready to eat everyone. I mean the guy killed a dude as a Mantis! A freaking mantis. Bastard goes hard. From that to - I'm actually just love starved and want you because you remind me of my true love.

Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Blah, blah. Wait... was this movie suppose to be a comedy? Maybe thats it. I mean anyone who braves this Craptastic voyage... because you obviously love to torture the thinky parts of your brain... watch the part with the big boobed vampire getting staked, and tell me it's not a comedy.

Then the end makes no rational sense: Dracula kills an entire room of people in about 7 seconds earlier in the film. Blood flying everywhere. Even makes a guy shoot himself. But at the end he decides to beat on Van Helsing (the always watchable Rutger Hauger) for 1-2 minutes. Nothing much. Just repeatedly punching him in the face. Ya, turns out, the mantis was just a set up for Dracula's real power... the right cross. Then his love suddenly comes to and points a gun at him.

Do think Dracula;
a) Uses his powers of mind control to tell her to drop the gun
b) Uses his ability to move objects to slap the gun out of her hand
c) Moves super fast, and takes the gun from her
d) Cries like a bitch, reaches out for her begging for her love, and gets his ass shot, and dies...

You guess d)? Ya. Its friggin' D.

An absolute craptacular adventure, from one of the most impactful directors of all time. According to IMDB this movie made 3,085$ opening weekend. Ya. That's a true story. Not saying thats the ultimate fact... but I mean 3000$ hahaha

Thats just embarassing. Oh and Dario's daughter shows up to show her boobs. Thats something I guess. Imagine that call. "Hey honey its Daddy. You mind getting naked for another of my films. I really need something to sell people on this 3D thing"

Oh ya. Its in 3D.

And the crowd goes... actually they go nothing cause the theatre is freaking empty.

movie scale 1.5 out 5 stars
Horror scale 1 out of 5 stars

Dario. Man. This guy is a legend. This Crap! review despite the near orgasmic ranting... hurt me in the horror hallways of my heart...

-Chuck B.

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