Monday, December 23, 2013

Alien uprising... in my pants!

ALIEN UPRISING (2012, 2013 over here)

I wanted to like this movie.
I mean I really wanted to. An indie british film version of Independence Day, with a small role from JCVD himself...
Long live the Damme (you've all seen the leg split video - yes you have!)
However, very quickly I realized.... bad. There would only be bad. The biggest problem with this film.... well maybe you're thinking;
Is it the writing?
Well, yes, it's bad, but there a few moments that generated a giggle, so- no, try again.
Is it the acting Boony?
No, there are a few moments of decent acting in there, including the aforementioned Jean Claude van Damme.
Is it the effects?
I mean I am watching a low budget british film... If I spent too much time bitching about the CGI I'm wasting my time.
It is one thing. One thing, above all others: The directing. The directing is so horrible I don't even have words... well scratch that I have words... I mean I'm Chuck Freaking Boonsweet. But if ever a director came close to removing my clever wit from it's ability to respond in the written word, well, this came close.
DI-REC-TORS! Your public at large has expressed a growing dislike/hate with shaky cam. Why.... why do you continue to use it? And this isn't even normal shaking came. This is we fed our camera guy 18 1/2 red bulls, had him spin in circles for 6 minutes. Let him fall down and vomit... and then handed him a camera. Oh and what about the scenes that aren't shaky camera... well most of them are cameras that for some reason tilt. Often leaving the tops of heads cut off, or deciding to move slowly throw a crowd.
Just... the worst I've seen in a very long time...

Say hello to my... No screw it. No point. But u still Rock JCVD!
You know... I got distracted by rant I haven't even gotten into the plot... My bad.
Ok, so let it be known... all of this plot takes about 30 minutes to get into. Why? No reason, I guess all the banter between friends and people who have sex was suppose to make us care about them... What is it them kids say? Epic Fail.
So aliens show up over a town in the UK. A group of friends try to survive the chaos. Um, I think That's it.

You may be wondering (if you are a true Booniac - and really who isn't) why this film isn't a CRAP segment. Well, two reasons... and they barely... barely lifted it out from CRAP level.

Reason #1 - The fight. There is a fight between an officer and the main dude that is simply awesome. Bloody, vicious, and so out of place in the film you will wonder what happen. There's even some cool Guy Richie slow mo going on.
Reason #2 - JCVD. I cant hate him. I love the guy, and he literally towers over the rest of the amateurs in this film. Oh but don't get too hopeful... he don't hang around long....

So you've survived the painful 101 minutes of this film... you're thinking with that plot summary it can't possibly be too complex?

WRONG. Hows this. There's pieces of tech from the area 51 crash that the aliens want... there may be more aliens... they may all look like the same 4 people... um... sometimes they attack each other for no reason. And, they may have taken over the world at the end... yup. Not sure.

So, a last thought. Just a couple of things that bugged me... Ya i know right - More things? Yes. More freaking things. The power gets knocked out.... everywhere. So they have to use candles. So they light a bunch... and then proceed to clearly shoot in a house where all the lights are turned on lol... yup. They somehow missed that. Then. All the watches stop at 12:36... only when the one character is bed later her watch says another time. Oh, and a woman walks down to a kitchen to get water... its night. The lights are out, she has a candle... then 30 secs later they run outside and its dawn.


And. Dammit. There is a lot of "and" in here. Whatevs. I have BADD (Blog attention deficit disorder). The whole handling of Van Damme's character goes from... OMG! He might save this film to "Wait, what the F just happen to the only reason to watch this film?" Ohhhh... you vaporized him... for no reason... at all. It was not cool! Not cool!


movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
sci-fi fi scale 2 out of 5 stars (1 point of that is for JCVD... just saying)

That is all folks.
I had to watch John Carpenter's STARMAN after this just to wash the shite scifi taste out... :)

- Chuck B. Boonsweet.


Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention the movie's best performance ... Maya Grant's ta-tas.

Chuck Boonsweet said...

I support that statement. My bad.