Sunday, September 22, 2013

Long boring knight


It is almost halloween (yes I know a month seems long its not!)... so you just gunna have to bear with Ol' Boony here, cause there will be a lot of bloodshed and mayhem being reviewed in the next few weeks. If you are simply a fan of PG film ventures... well, first I'm a little confused why you would be here reading this lol... second... you may wanna look away till november.

All this horror and gore means I will be occasionally drenched in weak sauce. And here folks, is our first entry. Indie, made for peanuts, straight to VOD, weak sauce...

Bud Light promo - Here we go.

Ok. A dude and his holmies hit up a monastery, and take the "Holy Grail" from a dying priest, to be transported somewhere, for some reason. There is a plague befallen (Ya old school language) the land, a plague of the hungry undead. These men, and one priest, will voyage through the land... kill a guy who's bald brother comes after them, and deal with the Undead will trying to make it... to wherever they were going for whatever reason.

You may at this point be asking: Well where were they going and why? 

And you know what dear Booniac, you have a damn good question there, problem is I don't have an answer for you. I really don't know. I'm assuming this film was shot in New Zealand (and its sunday, i'm recovering, and I'm too damn lazy to look it up, so sorry if it was filmed next door to you) and got access to a real castle, and decided to build a movie around it. Its like they took ideas from a few movies, dumped them together... hired a legit costume designer... and dropped zombies in the mix. I mean they had a clever title, beautiful backdrop, and a castle. What could go wrong...?


And this is your leading man/hero

I honestly do not know where the grail was headed or why. Maybe it was mentioned once, I didn't catch it and it wasn't brought up again. There are all kind of WTF moments here. For instance; You must hit the zombie in the head to kill it. To which heroes say - Ok. And then consistently, and very clearly do not stab them in the head. Stomach, legs, arms, and the zombies stay down. Even though they clearly weren't head shotted, or double tapped.

Point 2 - the grail. There is a whole conversation in the film that clearly points out the powers of the grail. Even pointing to the fact that drinking from the Grail cures the plague. So you know, maybe when someone gets bitten... you could offer them a sippy sip from your god cup.

Point 3 - CGI. I was beginning to think indie film makers were getting lazy. Why bother putting time in on makeup when you can hire Mrs. Green's grade ten computer class to due some killer graphics. But now I'm realizing, that their just aren't people out there, available that can do makeup right. So whenever a head gets severed, someone gets impaled, you get horrid CGI. Shame, as always, and it just makes you shake your head as horror fan.

There really is no real structure here... and can priest's have sex... and still ask the man up stairs to have his back later? The villain that is chasing them through zombie land to avenge his brother, who was killed while trying to rape a plague victim (yup let that settle in), is just comical. I mean looks like I could hire my G-ma to take him out. And he tries so hard to be bad. Really though, you are up against 4 guys that took out like 30, and you decide to follow them into a land full of zombies... just u and a buddy... and you think you're gunna you know... succeed?

Oh tiny bald man, you are so scarrrrrrreeeee. 


They actually tag this movie with "Black death was only the beginning" across the DVD case. Really? Come on. So that other low budget, not so great film was only the beginning? Hahaha... thats like me making a movie about sharks that get shot out of a giant potato gun and saying "Sharknado was only the beginning" . Ah Pop culture references... see this is how I stay relevant with the kids.

Below par acting.
Below par writing.
Horrid CGI.
Plot holes large enough to drive your friends riding lawnmower through.
Some actually decent costume work.
The make up that is in the film is well done.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars.

You may be asking is this film was crap worthy. Really close, but considering everything, I did not hate the film, or feel completely robbed of my life minutes. Though, it was close.

Oh and one more really crucial point... where was the knight? Where they all knights? They didn't look or act like knights. I don't even remember hearing a "Sir" in there.

(Ok. A quick shout out to a friend I was in a Rob Zombie debate with the other night... My feelings aside you gotta give Zombie credit for keeping his flicks Practical. All make up, non of that bargain basement or otherwise CGI)

It's football sunday and Chuck B Boonsweet is starfishing like a demon. And loving it.

Loving the season folks.
Happy Fall.



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