Monday, January 28, 2013

CRAP! Jan ' 12

So CRAP! is still a newer segment where we watch a film that unfortunately, does not allow us to maintain our usually level of film respect and love. A film that by all accounts and purposes is such an utter waste of time that we have to rant... reach out to the masses and hopefully prevent the you -aforementioned masses - from indulging in the horrible collage of disappointment and confusion... in short... we suffered through it so you don't have to...

BRANDED (2012)

Someone lied to me.
Some punk, and the punks that worked for him, and the punks that he works for... all of them lied to me.
I saw the trailer for this film.
Please, you know what, I will wait here... watch it...

Editors note: Please take the next 2 minutes and 29 seconds to review the aforementioned trailer... also known as the deep thick of endless lies. Thank you.

Ok so if you watched that...
You now, more than likely, feel how I felt. Well, that looks interesting. All super dark, and twisted, and all about people messing with your mind, and one guy rising up against the evil corporation. Etc, etc...
And you know what... its all LIES!
Whoever did this trailer deserved a trophy of some kind... maybe several. Or at least a cookie. Not because he lied, no, no one deserves a cookie for lying... but because - How is the sweet hell he was able to create a trailer like that, from a film this... messed up, is honestly, amazing.

Obviously the film company saw this film and just stared at the screen for several minutes going Um, what was that. Then called up someone who I can only imagine is a close relation of Gandalf's and said, we need you to make people want to see this. Help us.

So here is the real plot.
Guy grows up to help marketing company take over Russia. He is also suppose to be spying on people. He gets really big, is a marketing Genius. Then he meets a girl, they fall in love. His boss screws him over. Then someone has a heart attack while they are arguing and he moves out into the country to leave it all behind. He then has a vision of sacrificing a red cow that will allow him to see the truth within the world. He does. He then makes it his mission to disassemble the art of advertising. Starting with the evil "Burger" corporation that has tricked Russia into wanting to be fat.

So you see that killer looking poster at the start of the segment? Here's how it looks in film...

While all that is happening, you will be treated to -
- Quite possibly the worst narration ever heard... in a film that it seems to take itself seriously.
-The legendary Max Von Sydow - who I think is on mount Olympus where he influences world trends um... just does a lot of really weird things.
-Brands that literally make war - before you go thinking it is... its not as cool as it sounds. And really, without covering too much more, a cow face in the sky speaking.

There is some real talent in this film. I'm not sure why, or how.

You know there might be some people out there that say this film has a strong message about the over saturation of our minds by ads, subliminal or otherwise, and our need as a society to put a stop to it. To those people I say this... Really? You think so? You think any person alive could miss that message. I have no problems with a message... and there are a few moments in there when I almost cared about the characters, or message... but just moments and they were lost while watching a man stare at a cow for 30 secs as it turns red.

I would be curious if the narration was even in the original script or if the studio begged to add something to help the viewer understand what the heck is happening. Not only is it hilariously out of place. But the actors have a way of staring into space, or standing still as it happens, almost like the off stage narration of a play.

The only thing that would have made this film enjoyable was if they actually played it for laughs. Maybe a certain large chinned hero in the lead lol... it may have worked then.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
(I don't even know what genre to put here. I guess I'll go with the trailer's suggestion)
Sci-fi movie scale 1out of 5 stars

I wonder if maybe the trailer was meant to make us think the movie was good as a further message about the power of advertising...
I hope not. I really, really hope not. There done. Don't want to talk about the horrid lies anymore.
I could go for a burger...

- Chuck B.

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