Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

HALF SHELLED.

Before I get into this, and let me tell you, shit is gunna get real. I really want to share a couple of thoughts on this film. More accurately the way I feel a film, based on a a cheesy 80s cartoon series, should be taken in. Look. The bottom line is most of you, dear Booniacs, grew up Turtle fans. Rocking Pjs, and bedsheets. Hours lost on the toys. But the simple fact is... the 80s cartoon, the movies, were cheesy as all hell. They were. Sure we love them because we saw them at an age where the impact was maximized and our logic was allowed a hall pass. Even now we look back with a reverence, that really, don't belong. I mean, they were cheesy. Lines like "Gretzky, on Steroids?" may make us smile, but they are cheese.

And Vanilla Ice sang a damn theme song in the film called... NINJA RAP. I saw this film in a theatre filled with kids and parents, and let me tell you, those kids loved it. Yes I wish... as you will see that the film was better, but really, as a full grown man... is it made for me? I wish it was... but no, it's not.

And lastly, before I go straight Review-fu on this... the entire film was acted out by actors in suits, speaking all the lines, stunts, and then they were cgi'd over and redubbed... so to anyone bitching about how the turtles are all cgi... well, in my mind, that is this generations "Men in suits" playing the turtles, and I'm okay with that.

So you're saying... I still look cooler than her husband? (sorry I said that, but Miss  Fox is so damn hot my jealous rage is uncontainable)

Your story. 4 mutant turtles, led by a Rat, learn the way of the ninja, and battle an action clan of ninjas... and bad guys. A reporter, April O'Niel, ends up in the middle.

Ok. So I started wit that lovely fair opening, now I bitch! Man, this movie is stupid. I mean, it's really stupid. First of all, the story is just ridiculous. And I mean, I am watching a movie about 6 foot mutant Turtles, and yet, the plot manages to actually demand you notice how horrible it is. I mean the back story is simple... Ninja friends become enemies. The good ninja becomes a rat through the same incident that creates the turtles... years later they must battle evil ninja. Well, all that is gone now. Yup. You know what the rat is... a rat. That's it. He finds a book on ninja shit in the sewer and decides to teach it to himself, and then the 4 turtle babies he is raising.

Apparently, turtles wear hipster hollister accessories. 

That's right. There is no connection at all between Shredder and Splinter. So when there fight goes down (which by the way is an awesome fight) there really is no point to it. Shredder literally shows up and goes, "hey a giant rat, we might as well fight". Ok I paraphrase, but that's the juste. April O'Neil is fine. Megan Fox brings a certain cuteness to the character, but the conversations between herself and her camera man, Verne, are so pointless, you can actually here the script writers asking - Oh my God how to we fill ten pages to get to the next action scene.

The action is the one place this film really manages to be worth something. The fights are great... oh well, except for the last fight... which is inexplicably horrible. I mean, wow. There is actually a point where for a minute, or two, you just watch this (over and over)... Shredder shooting knives, turtles deflecting knives, shredder shooting knives... turtles deflecting knives... hahaha oh it's so bad. Until the turtles decide to defeat him with... a game of... leap frog.

Ya. That happened.

Did we need a backstory for April? Did we? The answer is no. But hey you know what I could have forgiven everything. I mean everything in this film... if there had just been more of the turtles. I mean a couple of scenes where genuinely smile inducing. Sadly. If you actually take the screen time the turtles have... and subtract the action... they maybe have 7 and a half minutes of actually hang and chat and be turtles.

Hey, at least the pizza scene was there.

Fav scene of the movie... the elevator freestyle. Priceless, and a sad reminder just how little turtle time you actually get to experience.

You know the turtles are somehow bullet proof in this... fine... they dodged lasers on TV, I can't be too angry, but... BUUUUUUTTTTT the slow motion shot of Raphael Flexing his chest and bullets bouncing off is just bat shit crazy. And while we are talking about Raphael... if you are going to go through all the trouble of putting shredder in a giant robot battle armour... why make Raph taller than him. Seriously... why?

Ahhhhhhh. Did no one even bother to get feedback on this thing? It feels like someone just said... "Alright go" and then a few months later yelled "cut" and everyone clapped and went we made awesome and went home.

No. Wrong. Incorrect. You made poo.

But hey, there was no pressure right. These are the turtles the film was going to make 450 million no matter what. Sadly, when it is money in the bank.. they obvs give no care, at all, to what they put on screen...

But like I said. I am a grown ass man. Jaded. In a decades long love hate relationship with hollywood... kids love this film.

ONE LINE REVIEW: An effort that just ain't got the chops.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Action scale 2.5 out of 5 stars

There is not one memorable line from this film. No one. And man they tried with those jokes letmetellya.

#TMNT
#TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles

-Chuck Boonsweet