Wednesday, May 1, 2013

CRAP! April '13


We have ourselves a very rare thing here - the first ever brand new film, that has been deemed by yours truly as CRAP! Worthy. Rob Zombie's Lords of Salem. 

Sometimes I feel the world of horror fans have a tendency to show love to those they deem as one of their own. Rob Zombie might be the prime example of that. How else can any one explain a fanbase for house of a 1000 corpses ? Yes it was a violent, dark, evil, horror film - grand. But what about a few little things like plot, characters, rising action, a climax...? Then he came out with The devils rejects and behold it all came together. Zombie's camera skills were becoming seriously noteworthy, and the movie was a fun trip down grindhouse lane. Then he decided to redo HALLOWEEN. Of which the horror community was split. I was of the opinion it was a fun little romp into a classic, but... BUT! it did showcase a very major issue with Rob Z films: The writing.

I will not even mention Halloween 2 as the mere thought of it just hurts... deeply.

So, I would like to say before I begin that I have respect for all filmakers, especially those that show the promise that Zombie has behind the camera... however, there is just no forgiving this film.

About 45 minutes in my friend turns to me and says "You know, if this film turns out to be about heroin addiction, it might make sense"

Yup. That happened.

So your plot. Female Radio personality receives a record from a source only identified as "The lords" later to be named "The lords of salem". The record apparently is made by some coven of witches worshipping a long dead demon, or witch, or demon witch... so um, she trips out for a whole movie, and then may or may not be the vessel for the birth of the apocalypse.

Thats it. Nothing else.

No conflict. No heroes. No substance. No legitimate scares .No one to care about. No connection. 1 likeable character. And sadly, less than par acting. Sheri Moon Zombie, as in the directors wife hasn't been too bad in her hubby movie screen roles... but this is a very large step in the wrong direction. As a supporting character I've enjoyed her, but here, as the focus of the entire film... her limits are apparent. I do think she can act, but not carry an entire film. Though, as I touched on, the writing is simply ... atrocious.

Demon? Little person? No - It's turkey Dinner man!

Ok. So there is one likeable character. Well rounded, well acted... the guy trying to put it all together and save the girl. Only, well, he gets offed without so much as a whimper. Ahhhhh Zombie. I get that it's got a 70s vibe, and people are comparing it to "Rosemary's Baby" and some other classics, but how. That's like comparing a double cheeseburger from MacDonalds to one you hand pressed and charbroiled on the grill at your boys... But they're both hamburgers... right? Hahaha

What else?

Oh, right, how about a likeable character? Are we suppose to feel for the main chick because she has a dog? Apparently she is a recovering junkie. And makes fun of her radio guests, and ignores the guy that loves her... By the way that side story never gets explored. Ever. And the few interactions they have are so amateurishly handled you'll think teenagers wrote the scene.

Then, just to frustrate you Zombie will rock a few scenes with an ability for image and position that could make any hollywood "genius" drool, then unfortunately someone speaks. Oh yeah, so lets see what else... a whole bunch of demonic imagery with no pay off. Just evil for the sake of being evil. And I get it, there is an audience for this kind of film, people who will tell you that you just don't understand true horror if you dont get Zombie, that he's a throwback to the glory days... bullshit. Bullshit. I have watched everything, and then some, that was the glory days... amazing performances, solid writing, mind blowing twists... there is nothing like that here. Just demon baby things, and witch bitches and well... ugly naked chicks.

Honestly one of the worst films I have seen, ever. I love Zombie's background, I grew up on the guy's films, and I just really want to love something he creates... but that will only happen when he stops writing the films, and casting them.

Oh, OOOOooooooo and another thing, why? I mean really, why? What is the why in this film? The point? The purpose? The message? The reason it exists? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What can you leave saying: Um remember that part when the hallway door opened, that was creepy...

Let me ask you something. You go to see the woman you love, she looks all F'd up, and some creepy old lady tells you to leave. Do you a) Sadly leave as Directed. b) Kick down the door and drag your woman to safety... or c) Punch the old woman, then rescue the damsel.

Did you guess option a) ? Yup. Little old says your friend isn't leaving but she'll say bye outside, and then the guy is like, aw shucks guess I'll wait outside. I mean it looks like she could really use some help. A lot of help. YOUR FRIEND IS IN PERIL DOOOOOOO SOMETHING D-BAG

Oh. And here. Last scene in the film. A woman standing on top of about 27 dead naked fat chicks. Glowing head. Roll credits.

I lost an hour plus of my life that I could have spent on better things... like Sabrina the teenage witch reruns.

movie scale 1 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 1.5 out of 5 stars.

I really liked the would be hero guy in this. Watching him put together the pieces, he just felt real. But you know, then Rob did nothing with it. At all, because we needed more retarded imagery and Sheri Moon screen time.


Boonsweet saying he is officially done with the Rob Zombie film adventure. No more.

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