Wednesday, July 1, 2015

CHUCK THE CRITICS! - Battleship (2012)

Oh man, here it is, a new, shiny thing... from your fav masterfilmator (is that a word? - is now!) ... This segment is where I find films that the internet at large, and all them shiny and surprisingly well compensated mainstream critics hate, and prove perhaps... No battle, for these films that were crushed and left for dead before the public at large could even give them a chance. No don't get me wrong, some films deserve hate (see my CRAP! segment) but we are a hate first society. Medi-ogres, Meh-heads, and just plain old HATERS. Because hating is just fun. And we like it. Well, you ever been watching a critics youtube playlist and thought to yourself - Man, does this person even like movies? Well, I do. So I will bravely fly into the face of the hate abyss, and try, despite the forces allied against me, to find hope... in the darkness... (Yay! Grab your chips)

So to start things off, why not go big? Which is probably what this film should have been called anyway. BATTLESHIP. Hot on the heels of Transformers the internet world was fuming. You see everyone said Transformers sucks! Its just brain dead CGI assault on the senses. Screw Michael Bay.... Blah blah, and then, well the world ignored them. The world said, screw it we wanna pay out 10$ a ticket and see the hell outta this movie. And the Blog-a-shere said "Wait, you mean they don't care what we say? No, we are important dammit we matter!". Then it happened again, Transformers: Dark Of the Moon. A worse movie, with a horrible title, and despite being hated by all critics (except maybe a select few I never read or saw) it made another billion dollars.

Well, then Hasbro decided they should make a 200 million dollar film based on a board game... and before the film even hit, the internet world said - No this is where we make our stand! 

So lets share the bad. Yes. This film is silly, and stupid, requires some suspension of disbelief... but I mean, really, don't most movies? How does batman get back to Gotham from the desert, and sneak into his city, or survive a nuke ... He's batman. How does Bond magically seduce all women... He's bond. No more logic needed. Sometimes I think we just choose which movies have to work harder... and thats... just not fair...

Seriously. Drink in this here awesome. 
This movie is pure big budget fun. You want your 1950s american Bravado, wrapped in an alien invasion, with a little Liam Neeson sprinkled on top? Hell yes you do. I knew in the first ten minutes I was gunna love this movie. Your by the book story goes... A young attractive bad boy (Taylor Kitsch) gets hauled into the navy after a run in with the law. Of course he just can't shake his bad boy ways... but naturally, he wins the love of the general's (Liam Neeson) Daughter (Super sexy blonde Brooklyn Decker). She sees his possibilities beneath all that crappy attitude and problems with authority. Then in the middle of an Navy exercise, aliens land and attack. Will the young troubled Navy boy shed his troubled ways and save mankind...

The suspense is I'm sure killing you.

What does any of this have to do with the board game? Honestly, should anyone care? NO! Its one thing to defend a comic or a book or an original film given the remake treatment. But this, this is a film based on a freaking board game. Ree-laxxxxx people.

Did I mention this film is also directed by Peter Berg? The man behind The Rundown (another criminally underrated flick), Hancock, Friday Night lights... etc. Really this movie is there to make you do two things... clap, and cheer. And it delivers. There is hardly a slow moment in this film. Do we need plot? NO! There's aliens, and they're dicks. Our soldier boys must defeat them! But here's where this film gets surprising, after basically an hour and 30 minutes of destruction, it develops a heart. In one of the most awe inspiring displays of War hero love (and really, shouldn't these old timers be honoured) a group of WWII heroes has to help the young guns in the final battle.


Ladies. Gents. Brooklyn Decker. 

Did I mention Gregory D. Gadson, a real war hero, and amputee, who helps battle the aliens that make it to the ground? Well I did now. You see some of these "Haters" are gunna talk about how its cheese, selling out to the american public, but really... is putting some real war heroes into a classic style B invasion movie such a bad thing. The cast seems to be having a blast here. Revelling in the moment.

If this movie was made on a shoe string budget in 1954. It would be a classic, but drop a couple mill on it in the new millennium... and we gunna hate it into oblivion.

As I said there are moments that are stupid and not explained, but who cares. They even manage to get the old BATTLESHIP game board in this movie. Ya. Can you imagine the stress the screen writer was under for that. Speaking of the screen writer... well writer(s)... they knew what they were writing. Peter Berg knew what he was directing... and Liam Freaking Neeson knew what he was signing up for. FUN


If you don't laugh and cheer while a giant warship is doing full screen battle with a giant alien spaceship with AC/DC blasting through your stereo... Than I think A little part of you has died. Just a little bit. It's only a matter of time until you will be hating on kids films for being too childish... oh wait that's already happening.

Crazy Haters you. Well not you... you're reading my blog. Which means there's hope! You are a Booniac... one of the few that seeks out better. Loves better. Lives with hope. Or at the very least... enjoys popcorn.

This is not a film to hold to the action standards of THE RAID, or the science fiction amazements of MOON. This is a B movie for the 2000s. And the big sci-fi loving kid inside me, is so OK with that.

Real Heroes. Real Bad ass aliens. (that, that shoulda been the tagline, M-Bay, call me homie)

Movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Action movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

One Line Review: AC/DC blasting, WWII heroes amassin', Alien Blasting, good times. 


Till next Booniacs!

- Charles Boonsweet

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