Monday, June 10, 2013

Damn you terrorist scum - The man is on VACATION!


These are some of the names used to describe the man, the myth, the legend that is Bruce "I'm so cool I shit snowballs" Willis. The man is action movie gold what can I say. The last boy scout, last man standing, Fifth Element, Lucky Number Slevin... And you know, he wanted to prove he could do dramatic action with Striking Distance, Tears of the Sun, Sin City, Bandits (very underrated!), Twelve Monkeys... Oh and least we forget the man was in PULP FICTION. He is all over pulp culture and the hollywood landscape, but no character her has ever played has equalled that of the DIE HARd franchise, and the lead - John McClane. 

So the plot to most Die Hard film is as follows. Poor, normal cop guy with attitude - McClane runs across a terrorist heist/attack of some kind. He of course is forced due to moral heroicness to intervene, then they somehow involve his family and he gets super pissed and kills everything. Bad guys, buildings, lots of vehicles, windows... everything. 

This time around McClane is off to Russia to meet and hopefully reconnect with his son. The problem with that is that his estranged son is all in trouble with the law for being a lawbreaker. In Russia they really frown on that. John shows up, a terrorist attack happens... turns out his son is undercover (not evil) and well... John tries to help him. Though that will be hard because his son is a daddy issue douche, and well dammit McClane is so unmotivated to kick ass since he's ON VACATION. 

Yup. He's on vacation and you will hear that stupid, annoying, not that funny the first time - line... about six times in the film... I think. So begins the long list of issues with this film.

Ya. Um, no reason for this photo, I mean she's in the movie, Just ah, heard sex sells... boonsweet!

1. His son sucks. Not cool. Not likeable. 
2. Really, its not his son's, or the actor's (Jai Courtney's) fault... there is no writing. I mean literally nothing for the characters to do outside of yelling and blowing shit up. I mean Bruce manages to salvage a few scenes... But he's had 4 films to master the character. But Jack McClane has no chance. 
3. His daughter was cooler. In the 30 secs she's on a screen, I was reminded how much better she looked in peril. The son gets douchier. 
4. Back to the writing. Really, it's that bad, and they know it so they just try to insert as much explosions and destruction as possible.
5. You may now be saying - But Boony, number 4 actually sounds pretty cool. Maybe random chaos is not so bad? - and you would be right except that the direction on many occasions is horrid. Awesome cool long range shot of the action BAM cut to a bunch of quick cuts of WTF is happening. Oh! There's an explosion. I mean this is the guy that directed MAX PAYNE. Ya. Been 5 years since he'd touched a film so sure why not give him one of the most beloved franchises. 
6. Bruce Willis. John McClane is one of the coolest creations ever. He talks to himself. He bitches constantly, and he gets messed up saving the day. He's human - Like. There is barely any trademarked talking to self. The famous Yippie - Ky- Yay line is used at such a retarded moment it doesn't matter.
7. And fine... I'll make this my last point. The villain sucks. Just sucks. Uninteresting, stupid, and really sadly there is no one in Russia they spend any time making you care about. Everyone you meet is crooked, or an assassin, so who cares if they all go boom (sorry I love russia, but really they didn't even give us one shot of russia children in peril to make us care).

So. With more leather. Really, I just didn't have anything funny to say, so ... leather. 

I am so sad right now. After the awesome that was "The Last Stand" I was really pulling for another great McClane adventure and this just isn't it. Don't get me wrong, I hear there is another one on the way... and god help me... I will go. Because it can't be worse.

You know there are a few scenes in here. First the action is impressive. Though badly shot, there are parts that really do inspire giggly awe. Once his son de-douches he is definitely tolerable. And the last scene of the film could have been a beautiful moment if the rest of the film hadnt destroyed your feeling for the McClane bond. 

This is a watch only for your love of Bruce film. 

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars.
Action Scale 2.5 out of 5 stars.

I cannot believe I just gave a Die Hard film a 2.5 on an action scale. This... this is a sad day of anti-manness. Bruuuuunooooooooooo! Why.... 

Chuck Boony... saying F this. I'm on Vacation!

Follow me @ Tallwhitefox
or the occasion film rant @BoonsBuckles. 

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