CRAP! (Aug '14) - Bloody Varisity blues

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

VARSITY BLOOD (2014)

Ok I'll say it. Cool cover art,

Within 5 minutes you have all your high school horror cliches and stereotypes in order.

1. Jocks that are dicks
2. Cheerleaders that are party animals
3. The "Goodie" cheerleader that is dating the popular QB
4. The nerds that get pushed around (equipment/water boy, and the mascot)
5. Oh and the plain hipster sister to the hottest cheerleader.

(honorable mention to having actors that look 28+ playing 17 year old high school kids)

Check your how to horror pamphlet... Yup. Got em all. And you know what as we have seen in my awesome years of film review awesomeness (yes it has been fun hasn't it Booniacs) that acknowledging the cliche of your genre is not always a bad thing. As long as what... Right, you have a fun, cool, script to play on all the "By the numbers" you are throwing at the audience. Think a couple of reviews I've done in the last year: The little highschoolers vs the undead, Detention of the Dead (review HERE ) or the recent bit of bloody pom pommin' All Cheerleaders Die (bask in my review HERE ). Both this films were cheap cheesy bloody fun. 

Yup. Thats a cheerleader showering. And yup. Thats a gym bag blocking the view.

Within 3 minutes I knew this was not gunna be another gem in the rough... no. Here there would only be rough... and deep, dark, thicker rough... Golf joke anyone?

So your story goes... All the popular kids are somehow tied to the death of a girl a year earlier, and someone that knows is wiping them out.

Here's some of the things you will see in this flick... A "Killer" Swinging an Axe while standing about 6 inches from a woman who is bent over... and missing... just so they can have a gym chase scene. You will hear lines like (addressing a photographer) "did you get a few good wide shots?" to which the lady with the camera will reply "Well I tried to get one big enough to fit your head, but they don't come that big" Ha.

Ha. Ha. Ha. I mean. Come on. How about you just shorten it to "Oh, sorry, couldn't fit your ego in the frame" Bam! Boonsweet to the rescue. Seriously. Call me. I'll fix your shit.

Oh let me tell you, best/worst scene in the film opening half the "Explain the backstory about the dead girl to the new girl" scene. Which takes place on a park bench... in front of ducks... and is waaaaaay to long. I mean they explain who died, why, how, the parent is now dating new girl's mom, there was a suicide, sorry, attempted and now living in asylum ... blah, blah. Just ridiculous.

Goodie cheerleader 2... who buys sexy clothes to maybe finally have sex... Sigh

The real issue here is this: pick a damn side! You are either a movie that can be serious, and horrorish, or you realize your actors are C grade, your direction is C grade, and you should just go for pure B movie magic. But no, they actually try to be serious. They actually try to treat this as a real horror film... big mistake. Bad actors acting bad, can actually be awesome, and lead to way less pain, as in the pain the audience feels well processing bad dialogue.

An example? Why yes I would love to give one... so in one scene there is a brief joke about how the one jock looks older (but still can't buy booze without a fake ID) because he was held back 2 years. It would have been great if that line was delivered real tongue in cheek... and then maybe the girl had looked at the camera with a wink to the 4th wall.

Of course, maybe I have just been watching too many 80s flicks. Actually, screw that, I have always watched too many 80s movies, and have always been awesome... sooooo theory revoked.

Hey Costume designer... did you just have a rack of cheerleader outfits? I might actually make you laugh how much time these girls spend in their uniform. At home - uniform. At dinner - uniform. Check my watch... 45 minutes into this movie - one kill scene. Possible tea cup full of blood. What?! So there's not even any violence in this thing? Wait, no it shows up around 40 minutes left. Oh man was I happy to watch these dumb horrible people die. I mean sure, who's to say 6 jocks could take out a skinny punk in a mascot outfit... no I'm sure they couldn't handle that, better run. I mean this ain't exactly Jason Vorhees outside ya house... Right? Am I right? It's a thin dick in a mascot suit with a bow and a hatchet. I bet one solid punch... probably do it.

A quick quiz...

Tree. Wide open yard. Truck coming at you. Do you a) Run across yard. b) Trick truck by standing in front of the tree and then jumping out of the way, resulting in the truck crashing or c) Stand directly in front of tree and watch the truck drive towards you and then crush you.

Did you pick c)?

This film did.

And thats all you really need to know. More shit in the horror genre that will be forgotten and lost to VOD or wherever really shitty films go now.

Movie scale .5 out of 5 stars
Horror Scale 1 out of 5 stars

You know a couple of great lines near the end where it would really seem to be the script wanting to have fun, but if that was the scriptwriter's goal... someone didn't get the memo... Can you imagine if this had been writer as a B-movie black comedy the entire time, and only one actor actually got it in the last 5 minutes... Oh. That poor screen writer.

Oh man. The gun thing at the end... cop pulls his gun and then just runs at the killer, and loses his head. So bad. It's all so bad.

-Chucky B.

#VarsityBlood

CRAP! (feb '14)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

LIZZIE BORDEN'S REVENGE (2014)

Yes this movie is low budget. Yes it's pretty much D-list cheese. Yes It's TAV (Tits/ass/violence) And Yes sometimes that is not a bad thing in the horror genre is it? Girls. Blood. Dismemberment. That can be fun no matter what the budget right? The answer is yes. However, however... HOW-FREAKING-EVER... it can also be complete CRAP!

I mean like complete-did a horny teenager write this trash- CRAP! Also, hey how about the segment name dropping like a demon here. Booya... CRAP! Booniacs, have I got a treat for you. If you like production values in the dozens of dollars... if you like you acting borrowed from a porn set... if you like your blood CGI... and if you like your CGI blood to look like it was filmed as it was being thrown on to a TV that was playing the movie... well then... wait. Whoa. Wait. No one likes any of that shit... Dammit, right this is a CRAP! Segment.

Plot: Big fitted women party with booze. One of them becomes possessed by the spirit of the Axe Murderer Lizzie Borden. There. Enough with the plot.

Time to Rant bitches!

Step 1. Get Drunk. 2. Make out. 

Actual Writing: Girl walks into room naked.

Friend 1: Why are you naked?
Naked girl: It's a slumber party isn't it? This is how I sleep it's refreshing.
Friend 1: You're suppose to wear a nighty. Put something on. I don't want to be staring at your crack all night.
Friend 2 :Well Leslie would appreciate it, but she should just say no to crack.
(silence)
Friend 2: Why is no one laughing. Ok someone start laughing before I get really mad.

You know. If I had made that up, it would almost be funny. But truth Dear Booniacs, truth is there before you. (PLOT ALERT!) Did I mention this is moments before they debate playing truth or dare. And booze. Did I also mention all the girls are apparently 30-35 years old. And not teenagers. And talk like they are... And for some reason want to resurrect an evil chick from the past... Lizzie Borden. All it takes to connect with the evil spirits in another dimension is 6 chicks with an acting lesson between them holding hands and talking to the ceiling. Oh and there's flashbacks and stuff...

I would forgive every thing is wrong with this film. As a fan of all things horror and 80s, I have to accept the current generation of horror straight to VOD. BUT! Buuuuuuuut! I can not forgive the CGI blood. It is without a doubt the worst CGI blood ever. I mean ever. I don't even know if the effect classifies as CGI. Thats like saying if I drew a stick figure on a napkin I just painted. You know when someone tastes something awful and then they make you smell it and its awful and you both laugh...

You will NOT walk away from me with your clothes on!

It's like that... only there will be no laughing. And well, it was all down hill from there. It's the little things. The little unbelievably messed up things. For instance A man recording himself with a handheld camera... somehow, when the scene shifts to his perspective, he is clearly not looking into the camera hahaha. Serious. He is talking to the camera... looking directly into it. They cut to it, and he's looking left of the shot.

Listen the issue with all these indie, boob and CGI flicks is simple... they think it was all about the blood and the boobs. And you know what, it wasn't it. The glory days of exploration horror were about weird and cool, and twisted creative shit. It was so damn over the top you just had to watch it. Cheesy acting could be hidden with cool one liners... A ridiculously insane story could cover some bad effects... boobs could fill in some dragging plot.. etc... the problem is that when you put bad acting, bad effects, bad story, no cool, and then just think you can make up for it with a lil blood and boobs... well, sorry punks. That shit don't fly in this coop.

Did I mention the heart to heart where the sad misunderstood perv confessing he's just gay? Ya, and he created the whole perv thing so his mom wouldn't be disappointed with him. WHAT!? I mean, I'm sorry... WHAT?

Do i need to talk about the directing? No. I refuse.

Movie scale .5 (thats right, a half point, B&B record) out of 5
Horror movie scale 1.5 our of 5

What is with all this interest in Lizzie Borden anyway? Though I doubt the Christina Ricci offering will be that much better...

Mmmmmmm Christina Ricci...

Chuck B. Boonsweet is out this piece folks!

CRAP! (Dec '13)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

DRACULA (2013)

So Booniacs, and Buckleheads it's time for another exciting episode of the rant-tastic, rage-hard, bitch the likes of which few have bitched before... Well, basically, we stumble across a film so bad that it does not require our usual restraint, and respect. A film so bad we reach outside our rules (No major spoilers) and throw it out there... in hopes that you will heed our warnings, and voyage not into the entertainment abyss we have just witnessed...

Plus.
It's a lot of fun.

For the month of December, in the 13th year of this new Millineum I bring you Dario Argento's Dracula. Why is it Dario's Argento's Dracula, well because decades ago Mr. Argento was one of the greatest, and most fantastic horror (or film for that matter) directors to ever grace the small foldy chair on set. The master behind Deep Red, Tenebre, Suspiria, Phenomena, and damn it the list goes on. But like many a directorial Genius he did not fade into the sunset... no he stayed around to do his best to destroy his legacy...

So plot. If you freaking want one. Dracula is a vampire, all powerful. He can transform into wolves, and bats, and bugs, and wait... was that a giant Praying Mantis? Yes it was. Yes... it... was. He can also seduce, memory wipe, hypnotize, and move objects with his mind. So you know, wow, no one could ever stand a chance against the guy really. Anyway, your shit plot continues... Man shows up to help Dracula with something. Dracula sucks his blood. His fiance shows up looking for him, then Dracula decides to suck her blood... but wait... Van Helsing shows up to stop him!

Prop guy: Ran out of fake blood. Found Koolaid pack... 

Ta-Da. The end. You know what, screw it, I could probably wrap this bitch up right there... but no... No i will not... FOR I MUST RANT!

First this film has some of the worst CGI ever. I mean we are talking below Syfy channel here. The wolf transformation is just shameful. There is also a scene where Dracula bitch slaps his large breasted vampire minion across a room... and wait for it - the body that slides across the room is CGI!? Why? I have no freaking idea. Is it that hard to drag someone across the floor? Make it look like they were thrown? I mean they did it in Paranormal Activity and that movie cost like 2.50 $. Le sigh.

There is also a CGI scene later when Dracula shows up as a swarm of bugs. This... this one probably bothered me more than any other effect because, I mean, Dario Argento made Phenomena like 30 years ago... about a girl that controls bugs, and had an entire house swarmed by flies (in a film with a smaller budget!)... and he some how decided to go with absolutely shit "I designed this on a freaking Ipad" effects. What the F is going on Dario? Have you simply forgot everything you ever learned, or did over the years?

People are always leaving their gum in the damndest places. 

Next up... oh lets bitch about music. Sure why not. I mean how often is the music so bad that you get to seriously bitch about it... You ever watched a comedy halloween special on the Disney channel, and the music is all super over the top, you know, for laughs. Well, apparently they sampled the soundtrack for this film. I do not joke. It is that bad. I mean this is a director that changed the idea of what a horror soundtrack could be (The band GOBLIN anyone?) again inexcusable. Then, as if to rub it in your face... he throws in a killer metal song at the end... as the credits rolled all I could think was - Seriously?! Where was this for the whole film.

Am i done? (dramatic pause...) NO I AIN'T DONE. But aside from the cheesy made for TV directing. But aside the horrible acting, writing, lighting (serious, she has one candle, and no electricity how is her whole room lit up?), costumes... I may have been able to let all that slide (No that's a lie) if not for the horrible switch at the end. Dracula goes from - All bad ass, and ready to eat everyone. I mean the guy killed a dude as a Mantis! A freaking mantis. Bastard goes hard. From that to - I'm actually just love starved and want you because you remind me of my true love.

Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Blah, blah. Wait... was this movie suppose to be a comedy? Maybe thats it. I mean anyone who braves this Craptastic voyage... because you obviously love to torture the thinky parts of your brain... watch the part with the big boobed vampire getting staked, and tell me it's not a comedy.

Then the end makes no rational sense: Dracula kills an entire room of people in about 7 seconds earlier in the film. Blood flying everywhere. Even makes a guy shoot himself. But at the end he decides to beat on Van Helsing (the always watchable Rutger Hauger) for 1-2 minutes. Nothing much. Just repeatedly punching him in the face. Ya, turns out, the mantis was just a set up for Dracula's real power... the right cross. Then his love suddenly comes to and points a gun at him.

Do think Dracula;
a) Uses his powers of mind control to tell her to drop the gun
b) Uses his ability to move objects to slap the gun out of her hand
c) Moves super fast, and takes the gun from her
d) Cries like a bitch, reaches out for her begging for her love, and gets his ass shot, and dies...

You guess d)? Ya. Its friggin' D.

An absolute craptacular adventure, from one of the most impactful directors of all time. According to IMDB this movie made 3,085$ opening weekend. Ya. That's a true story. Not saying thats the ultimate fact... but I mean 3000$ hahaha

Thats just embarassing. Oh and Dario's daughter shows up to show her boobs. Thats something I guess. Imagine that call. "Hey honey its Daddy. You mind getting naked for another of my films. I really need something to sell people on this 3D thing"

Oh ya. Its in 3D.

And the crowd goes... actually they go nothing cause the theatre is freaking empty.

movie scale 1.5 out 5 stars
Horror scale 1 out of 5 stars

Dario. Man. This guy is a legend. This Crap! review despite the near orgasmic ranting... hurt me in the horror hallways of my heart...

-Chuck B.

CRAP! (Oct' 2013)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (2013)

Here we are again. CRAP! Everyones favorite rant, rage, filled movie column... where we here at Boonsweet and Bucklesworth, take the hit for you. Suffering through some horrid offerings from the world of filmed entertainment. Be warned, we step outside our usual to give you spoilers, and major plot points... all because, well, we are trying to save you from the experience. Though hey, some of you crazy crappy film lovers out there, might still jump in... and take the risk... That is up to you... all we can do, is warn... ENJOY :)

You know when people are all "Why they gotta remake that movie? Why can't they just leave that there classic alone?" Well, if you have followed me (and I mean all the cool kids do), then you know I am usually the guy going "Hold up. I wanna see what they do. And hey it don't matter if it sucks I can always throw my original in the ol' bluray player". Ya that's usually me. Mister upside (keeping in mind I am currently typing this here ongoing CRAP segment lol)

But... Embrace of the Vampire? I mean, what the Deuce?! Anyone else remember this flick? It was a straight to video erotic/softcore horror vamp flick that had one HUGE (well ok Two well sized) things going for it... Alyssa Milano was smack dab in the middle of her sweet girl rebellion (before she gave it all up, kept her clothes on and started the NFL girls clothing line - No joke there). And she was all kinds of naked in this flick. I remember being a teenager, and to say the original had a... um... profound impact on me would be an understatement. But... I mean... no one will argue that it's anything close to a classic.

So what in the sweet hell are we doing here in the middle of a review for a remake? The answer Booniacs and Buckleheads... is I have no freaking idea. Actually trying to understand why... My head starts to feel like I shouldn't have double fisted the ice cream...

Plot: Goody two shoes scholarship girl goes to high end university... by way of fencing. There she will discover sex, and booze, and love, and her possible connection to a vampire mythology.

Hey, at least the fangs fit. I mean, that's something. 

K. First, I can not explain how boring the first 34 minutes of this film are. Nothing happens. I mean nothing. Girl goes to school, meets people. Catches roomate naked, there's someone else naked... rookie hazing... seriously, so boring. If you're asking - But how can boobs be boring? I understand, I do... but its just not enough. I can deal with average acting, below average acting.... But gosh just try to make it fun. Then minutes 34-38 are sexy. And live up a little to the soft core glory of the mid 90s. But then... back to the boring. I mean near the end they go camping and things start to speed up... and I'm thinking well hey, we could be in for a solid closing 15 minutes of sexy vampire slashing here... no. No. A couple minutes then its back to snail pace boredom.

So how about the lead, the sexy good girl, that will be lead to the darkside... or will she? Well I don't know that much about Sharon Hinnindael. She seems to have a few horror adventures under her belt, but I can say that she is not quite able to handle this film. Oh she seems fine with the sexy parts... but its the playing innocent she can't pull off. For instance there is a "The showers spray blood" blood scene in here. She looks like an actress on set, tired of being soaked in red after take 37. She does not however look like a good girl should when bathed in a sudden surprise of blood... terror maybe... maybe fear. Anything really.

The fencing team? Listen I am not dissing fencing. I mean, obviously... we've all spent hours... working on our sword work... BUT... really fencing? And they make the team out to be all jockish, and you know, exactly the behaviour you'd see from a football team or something. Hazing and all. I just don't buy it... for a second. I mean a school that gives out scholarships for fencing... anyone think those people would be forcing the rookies to drink till they fall of chairs and strip? It just doesn't fit. I mean tennis, hockey, hell I'll even take polo... but listening to a coach give an intense speech about swords being created through fire... and her taking her moment. I actually laughed.

I know. I'll find all the answers i need in 3 pages of this book... Ya. 

I mean Charlotte is sexy, no doubt, but really... interesting, sexy enough to have everyone... falling for her... No. Not at all. Alyssa Milano in the original.... well I mean come on it is miss who's the boss here.

Really though. I can't believe I'm saying it but this film actually makes the original look like a masterpiece. Serious... cheesy, sexy, weird, and was fun. In its own 90s way. This film is awkward. And flat. I mean just flat. They throw in the sex for sure... but... that's it, anything between is like like a soap opera interlude. Oh and like 20 minutes of the film are actually scenes that are followed by her waking up and realizing its all a dream. Hahaha. What a twist!

listen, maybe the erotically charged films of the 90s are no longer valid. Porn is a google search away, the kids know everything before they get off their big wheel... the mystery is gone. The sexy covers that drew peeps to the movie shop shelves are no more... heck the freaking shelves are no more...

But... you can do better than this. Sex still sells, but it has to be packaged better than this.

The writer obviously thinks he's clever... setting up a twist, and another twist... etc. Only you really don't care at all. Oh wait, he's actually a Vampire... gosh... crazy. And the explanation on the vampire thing... is ridiculous. You know what - Here: If a vampire finds a virgin in the blood line of the original vampire that made them, they can use that pure blood to transform back to a human. The issue being then the virgin suffers for all eternity in hell. Yup. All about that fine print peeps. There's also something else about using a vampires blood to protect the child of a vampire by pouring the blood of the vampire into the veins... or something, I can't even be bothered to watch that part again.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Look. There is sexy. Though. Not that much really. Like maybe 5 minutes of a 91 minute film... that is really suppose to be relying on sex and violence I would think. So how about violence. Well, it is practical. And that is very cool. Neck ripping all that. But again, really not that much of it.

So recap. Bland acting. Horrible writing. I am in an example mode here.

Roommate: I get it you're life is tougher than most. Maybe you should take a break.
Charlotte (standing up, in uber daytime drama mode: You walk a minute in my shoes and than try to tell me that.

I mean some of the worse dialogue I've seen on screen in a while. A movie marketed as an R-rated sexy bloody good time... with almost no sexy, or bloody. I just... ya... one sec... I need shake my head disapprovingly. There.... ya... thats good.

People maybe you like boobs enough to risk ignoring a CRAP review... perhaps you have grown up a lifetime fan of Sharon's. Hey, I can't stop you. I can only say there is little to nothing that makes this film worth watching. If you're drunk enough, maybe you get some laughs... but, there's better ways people.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror Scale 1.5 out of 5 stars

Boonsweet confession time. I still own a version of the Original. Alyssa Milano crush? Why yes, thank you.

Also final rant thought (Hey we only do one of these CRAP! things a month, gotta get it out) the ending... I mean really... Sigh.

Boonsweet is moving on, and hopefully up.

Also as a quick side note. This here is my 200th post I do believe. Hey maybe not as epic as the first century mark, but still very cool. Thank you to all you crazy Booniacs, and Buckleheads, for the support. Its been blowing my mind all you whack nut film lovers from around the terra firma take time outta your candy rainbow filled days to show me some love. Back at you, you crazy bastards! Kinda wish it had been a cooler flick... but hey, that was some 200th post worthy ranting :) 

Still on point you celluloid creatures of cool.  

-Later.

CRAP! (Sept '13): When B-friends make a B-movie

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

AMONG FRIENDS (2013)

It's that time again... Oh yes, I know you have eagerly been waiting to bask in the rage, and ranting, of yours truly Charles B. Boonsweet. Wish Granted Yo! Another worthy entry in the ever Popular CRAP! Segment. Films that I have suffered through so that you, my appreciated public, will not have to subject yourself needlessly in a blind desire to be entertained... Annnnnnnd Go.

Five minutes into this movie and I'm already worried. Then Kane Hodder shows up, and makes me giggle, and I'm all like - Maybe this flick has a chance yo! And then a guy falls down, and his friends proceed to (in what is suppose to be a so funny its bad way) say "have a nice trip" and "See you next fall".

Ha.
Ha.
And I was back to being worried. It is instantly obvious that writer/Star Alyssa Lobit, is one of those writers that thinks if you just bunch a bunch of young folks together and have them say stupid rude shite to each other... it makes them real, and you care about them... and its funny...

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Oh, and then one of them turns out to be trying to stop drinking... Wrong. I mean the writing is just bad, very bad, like jokes about smoking crack... and the obligatory "Who has the cocaine" question. I get it, the homage factor. They even go so far as to have the setup being a theme party; theme being - 1984 prom. So now they all get to dress and look, and apparently act like they're from the 80s. Get it, because cool horror movies happened in the 80s.

Ok, slow'er down Boony... the plot... like I said a bunch of friends gather for a night of dress up, hookups, boobs, and booze. The theme being the aforementioned 1984, and the twist, that its a murder mystery, trying to find out who the killer is. So um, it turns out there is actually a killer, and they will stumble over real, and fake clues, and have no idea they're in peril till... its.... too... late. Well, then things take, dare I say it, an unexpected twist... revealing the killer, and motives... and things get a little interesting... for about 38 seconds. Then its back to a bunch of badly written dialogue. And the remaining two thirds of the film. Which is a "You guys had this coming" angle.

So there... thats outta the way. Back to what's important... me... and my lovely thoughts that make the ladies goooooo -

Wait, there's 48 minutes of this movie left? 

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I wanted to like this movie. I wanted to love this movie, for one awesome reason - Danielle Harris. The little girl from the oft forgotten Halloween 4, and 5. Who grew up to be a wicked sexy B-movie scream queen. This is her first directing effort, and I was really excited to see her behind the camera. Ya know what, she's not half bad. Considering the budget there was some effort and skill here. The problem is in two parts - The acting is horrible. I understand this was a labour of love and she made it with friends, and friends of friends. But thats what you know, high school kids do... and that doesn't always work out well come oscar time... right. I mean the violence in particular... when it does happen... what the hell? You know anyone that gets an eyebrow cut off and you know... just lips off the villain, and hardly reacts.

Oh and how about a nail through the hand... and reacting like you were getting your blood drawn for the donation drive.

Alyssa Lobit as the menacing villain... tries so hard to be all kool McKiller, but fails... badly. Comes off like if Gossip Girl did a slasher special. (man my analogies are on fiiiiiire Yo!)

Jennifer Blanc... considering her work in THE VICTIM... has managed to strike out on bunts twice in a row. You like that analogy? I thought it got the point across. I haven't watched anything else with her in it, so maybe its just when she works with people shes close too, I dunno.

Next up, I wanna address all these reviews I saw saying this is a great independent homage to the glory days... K. People. We need to stop referencing the glory days. For two reasons, 1. The 80s were lightening in a bottle and people need to stop trying to imitate them. And 2. When you try to do it now, it rarely works. I mean really how many successes do you have there... Halloween, Laid to rest, Behind the mask, The Orphan Killer, Dale and Tucker vs evil... I mean its a short list.

Danielle Harris. Boom goes the dynamite. 

Perhaps the biggest issue with an 80s homage is people rarely go for broke. I mean guts everywhere... gore... and teenage sex. Lots of that last one. I guess the problem making a movie with a bunch of friends is its hard to ask them to get naked. But combine that with amatuer makeup... a rather lacking in the gore department, where the hell is the homage? I mean I have seen some badly acted, low budget gold in my years of horror... and Miss Harris has been around enough of it (the hatchet series for example) SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER! 

Despite all this, maybe just maybe, it may have worked if you actually liked some of the characters. The most attractive blonde... who is stoned out of her mind for the movie had possibility, but alas she's just ruthless too. That's a major issue... they are all horrible people. Cheaters, rapists, cheaters, liars... Um, who am I suppose to root for.

There are a few moments in here I should call out. The trip out scene with the stoner thinking she's on set. Its a lot of fun, with some crazy cool homages... and I have no doubt DH played a big part in that scene. Even a nice cameo in there... its just so fun that it makes the rest of the movie that much paler in comparison. Assuming that was mostly Danielle's idea, then the question is where was that awesomeness for the rest of the flick?

So to recap.
Horrible writing.
Almost no violence.
No sex (well hot naked sex, and really, thats the only sex that matters!)
One really cool trip out scene.
Way below par acting... though again the high blonde - Brianne Davis (did the best with what she had)
The twist at the end is pointless because you care for no one involved be them victims, or supposed righteous. I mean ok you decide to screw over a few people... because of rape and stuff. But what about all your other friends? They had sex with someone in a relationship... so they should die?

I hate to do this ok. I have a movie crush on Danielle, and I love the horror scene... but there is no excuse for this. None. You cant blame the budget, there are too many better options coming out. Not masterpieces... but way frigging better. Danielle I wish you all the best in your directing future... but this is a bad film.

CRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!

I can fix it in two minutes... all the drugs the stoned girl is on counteracting the paralysis drug, and she managed to get up, and fight... and well... make something interesting happen... I'm trying hard not to ruin everything here.

For whatever reason.

Oh and yes... in case you are wondering they left it open for a sequel.... YAY! YAaaaaaaaay!
Cough*
Sarcasm.

movie scale 1 out of 5 stars
Horror Scale 1.5 out of 5 stars

Boonsweet is saying this could be a rough year for these here horror adventures Imma gunna go on....

Lata.

@Tallwhitefox

CRAP! April '13

LORDS OF SALEM (2013)

We have ourselves a very rare thing here - the first ever brand new film, that has been deemed by yours truly as CRAP! Worthy. Rob Zombie's Lords of Salem. 

Sometimes I feel the world of horror fans have a tendency to show love to those they deem as one of their own. Rob Zombie might be the prime example of that. How else can any one explain a fanbase for house of a 1000 corpses ? Yes it was a violent, dark, evil, horror film - grand. But what about a few little things like plot, characters, rising action, a climax...? Then he came out with The devils rejects and behold it all came together. Zombie's camera skills were becoming seriously noteworthy, and the movie was a fun trip down grindhouse lane. Then he decided to redo HALLOWEEN. Of which the horror community was split. I was of the opinion it was a fun little romp into a classic, but... BUT! it did showcase a very major issue with Rob Z films: The writing.

I will not even mention Halloween 2 as the mere thought of it just hurts... deeply.

So, I would like to say before I begin that I have respect for all filmakers, especially those that show the promise that Zombie has behind the camera... however, there is just no forgiving this film.

About 45 minutes in my friend turns to me and says "You know, if this film turns out to be about heroin addiction, it might make sense"

Yup. That happened.

So your plot. Female Radio personality receives a record from a source only identified as "The lords" later to be named "The lords of salem". The record apparently is made by some coven of witches worshipping a long dead demon, or witch, or demon witch... so um, she trips out for a whole movie, and then may or may not be the vessel for the birth of the apocalypse.

Thats it. Nothing else.

No conflict. No heroes. No substance. No legitimate scares .No one to care about. No connection. 1 likeable character. And sadly, less than par acting. Sheri Moon Zombie, as in the directors wife hasn't been too bad in her hubby movie screen roles... but this is a very large step in the wrong direction. As a supporting character I've enjoyed her, but here, as the focus of the entire film... her limits are apparent. I do think she can act, but not carry an entire film. Though, as I touched on, the writing is simply ... atrocious.

Demon? Little person? No - It's turkey Dinner man!

Ok. So there is one likeable character. Well rounded, well acted... the guy trying to put it all together and save the girl. Only, well, he gets offed without so much as a whimper. Ahhhhh Zombie. I get that it's got a 70s vibe, and people are comparing it to "Rosemary's Baby" and some other classics, but how. That's like comparing a double cheeseburger from MacDonalds to one you hand pressed and charbroiled on the grill at your boys... But they're both hamburgers... right? Hahaha

What else?

Oh, right, how about a likeable character? Are we suppose to feel for the main chick because she has a dog? Apparently she is a recovering junkie. And makes fun of her radio guests, and ignores the guy that loves her... By the way that side story never gets explored. Ever. And the few interactions they have are so amateurishly handled you'll think teenagers wrote the scene.

Then, just to frustrate you Zombie will rock a few scenes with an ability for image and position that could make any hollywood "genius" drool, then unfortunately someone speaks. Oh yeah, so lets see what else... a whole bunch of demonic imagery with no pay off. Just evil for the sake of being evil. And I get it, there is an audience for this kind of film, people who will tell you that you just don't understand true horror if you dont get Zombie, that he's a throwback to the glory days... bullshit. Bullshit. I have watched everything, and then some, that was the glory days... amazing performances, solid writing, mind blowing twists... there is nothing like that here. Just demon baby things, and witch bitches and well... ugly naked chicks.

Honestly one of the worst films I have seen, ever. I love Zombie's background, I grew up on the guy's films, and I just really want to love something he creates... but that will only happen when he stops writing the films, and casting them.

Oh, OOOOooooooo and another thing, why? I mean really, why? What is the why in this film? The point? The purpose? The message? The reason it exists? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What can you leave saying: Um remember that part when the hallway door opened, that was creepy...

Let me ask you something. You go to see the woman you love, she looks all F'd up, and some creepy old lady tells you to leave. Do you a) Sadly leave as Directed. b) Kick down the door and drag your woman to safety... or c) Punch the old woman, then rescue the damsel.

Did you guess option a) ? Yup. Little old says your friend isn't leaving but she'll say bye outside, and then the guy is like, aw shucks guess I'll wait outside. I mean it looks like she could really use some help. A lot of help. YOUR FRIEND IS IN PERIL DOOOOOOO SOMETHING D-BAG

Oh. And here. Last scene in the film. A woman standing on top of about 27 dead naked fat chicks. Glowing head. Roll credits.

I lost an hour plus of my life that I could have spent on better things... like Sabrina the teenage witch reruns.

movie scale 1 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 1.5 out of 5 stars.

I really liked the would be hero guy in this. Watching him put together the pieces, he just felt real. But you know, then Rob did nothing with it. At all, because we needed more retarded imagery and Sheri Moon screen time.

Balls.

Boonsweet saying he is officially done with the Rob Zombie film adventure. No more.

CRAP (March '13)

THE ASYLUM'S HANSEL AND GRETEL (2013)

Hello again, my beautiful people.  Your old pal Ken here is feeling the effects of a cold that's weighing me down.  And in my sick haze, I thought "Hey, I'm feeling like crap.  What better time is there to do a CRAP! review?"  Well, the actual answer is "ANY OTHER TIME".  However, I'm here in front of the computer, so why not just do it?  To be honest, I've actually been looking forward to doing this review, because it means I can forget about this movie existing all the sooner. But let's not delay any further, here we go.

First, this story takes place in modern times.  So if you're looking to see old school wenches in too-tight bodices and whatnot, you're outta luck friends.  So in this modern take, Hansel and Gretel live in the town of Candlewood.  Gretel works in a bakery called 'The Gingerbread House" (yes, that's as close to the original gingerbread house as you're getting in this) for her boss Lilith (played by the only big name in this whole thing, Dee Wallace).  Hansel is happy living with his father and his father's girlfriend, playing video games and the like.  One evening the H&G's father makes the announcement that he and his girlfriend have gotten engaged, and are planning to move out of Candlewood.  Hansel decides to throw a huge hissy fit about it (making me instantly dislike him) and runs out of the house.  Gretel tries to talk to him, but he proceeds to continue his "poor me" routine (way to make me hate one of the main protagonists!!) and runs off.  Gretel follows after him, and good thing too, as Hansel's night gets worse when he steps into a bear trap, or at least something similar to it.  Anyway, instead of going back the way they came, they see a cabin not far from them and go to get help.  That sort of doesn't make sense to me, as from the time Hansel ran off to the point Gretel catches up to him in the woods, it doesn't seem like they went all that far.  But who am I to point out such things?  Oh, wait.  I'm KEN MF'ING BUCKLESWORTH!!

Ahem, sorry about that.  Anyway, they're surprised to find Gretel's boss Lilith answering the door.  Lilith rushes them in and feeds them, where Hansel quickly passes out.  He gets out on a couch, but not too long after, Gretel unexpectedly passes out herself.  You probably know where this is headed.  Hansel is locked up in a hidden cellar with a few other prisoners.  Gretel finds the secret door to the cellar, and Lilith has her chained up.  Lilith opens up to Gretel, revealing that she was special to her, and wanted Gretel to join her family of people eaters.  After continuously turning Lilith down, and a failed attempt to escape, Lilith gives up and throws her into the cellar with the rest.  From here on in, it's nothing but Hansel and Gretel trying to escape from the cabin, with their father and future step mom, and two dumbass cops trying to find them.

This movie is booorrrinng.  As I already stated, Hansel was an annoying tool, and Gretel had very little charisma,  And as they are the two "heroes" of the story, that's a terrible combination.  It was one of those rare times when I looked at the time here and there to see how much of the flick was left.  It's become a bad habit today where I find I don't care about the main characters that I'm supposed to like.  And it's just gotta stop.  When did it become such a problem to have people in movies I can like and want to root for?  When I hate the main characters (especially as early as I did in H&G) the rest of the movie (more often than not) tends to lose me interest-wise.

"String, my one weakness!!"  Just one of the odd hallucinations later in the movie.

This, however, does bring up one performance that deserves to be talked about.  And that is Dee Wallace's role as Lilith.  It seemed to me she was having a blast the whole time, and she put a lot of energy into it.  The sad thing is, there were big chunks of the movie where she wasn't on screen, which made those sections drag on longer than it seemed.  And in the second half of the movie, I actually wondered more than once when Dee was going to be back on the screen.

To be perfectly honest, there's not a whole lot more to say.  The scenery was pretty enough, if you're into forests.  The practical effects weren't too shabby, though there wasn't a whole lot of that actually going on really.  And there's a really weird part in the last third of the movie where the heroes inhale some sort of gas and starts to hallucinate things, and it goes on for close to ten minutes.  I have to admit though, the pastries in this movie did look quite tasty.

Here's my final word of the matter: if you're a huge Dee Wallace fan, you should at least check it out just to see her performance.  Chances are though, you're going to be in the same boat I was in and wonder when you'll see her next because of how boring everything in between is.  Aside from that, don't watch this movie.  If you feel the need to watch something lame and cheesy, watch almost anything else from The Asylum.  Or do what Chuck B. is doing and watch some Corman or other 80's cheese fest.  I'll be back to review something better soon.  Sayonara!!

Movie rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror/cheese rating: 1 out of 5 stars

- Ken Bucklesworth
Follow @KenBucklesworth, @Tallwhitefox @BoonsBuckles

CRAP! FEB '13

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: RE-ANIMATION (2012)

Even the poster is a lie. There aren't that many zombies in this flick.

Well friends, I felt bad for allowing Chucky B. to continually suffer through these CRAP! reviews month by month.  So in the spirit of camaraderie, I decided to take one for the team and relive my experience with NotLD: RA.

First off, I never thought I'd be doing this kind of review that has Jeffrey Combs' name attached to it.  Of course, I also say that every great actor eventually has at least one bad movie on their resume.  I haven't actually seen everything Combs has been in, but for now, this is his one.  So to the story.  Gerald Tovar Jr. inherits the family funeral home after his father Gerald Tovar Sr. passes away.  It seems Tovar Sr. had a side business with the government burning medical waste, and at some point a certain thicker than normal body bag released whatever waste was in it causing the bodies to return to life.  So Tovar Jr. shut down the crematorium and has been hiding the bodies in that room there so he can personally put the undead down permanently.  His brother Harold (Combs) shows up looking for money, and he unwittingly gets involved.  Naturally, all hell eventually breaks loose, and will the day be saved blah blah blah....

This has been one of the worst movie experiences of the last several years for me.  Where do I begin?  Well, I suppose I could start with the acting.  Jeffrey Combs and Andrew Divoff were ok enough, but even they couldn't work enough of their usual magic to make the movie tolerable.  Everyone else didn't do anything acting wise to make me like them, especially 'DyeAnne", played by Robin Sydney.  For all her good looks, she was probably the worst of the bunch.

Next, the settings.  There's the funeral home, and Tovar's house.  That's it.  No zombie flick should ever be that localized, zombie wise.  The original NotLD mostly took place at the farmhouse sure, but at least there weren't just a handful of zombies locked away in one room of the house just taking up space.  They were outside surrounding the house, as well as all over the place according to the news reports.  It just seems to me that zombies are made for widespread carnage, and it's just wasted here.

Next the effects.  Some of the makeup effects weren't too bad, others weren't too good.  But the CGI, sweet monkey crap.  Terrrrrible.  I've seen better CGI from The Asylum.  For example, there's a scene with Combs laying in a horrible CGI grave that made me think "this is what you do to a legend like Jeffrey Combs"?  It was almost an insult.

There ain't no CGI grave, can hold my body down....

Miscellaneous complaints?  The inclusion of "Not Sarah Palin" for one.  It was so out of place that it just made no sense to even add it in.  Not to mention there's a) absolutely no sport in making fun of Sarah Palin, and b) it's already been done to death (no pun intended).  Surely you could have done something better, or just not include it at all.  Next, near the end of the movie, Tovar Jr. puts down a growing number of undead, with a shotgun that apparently has an infinite ammo cheat code unlocked, as he fires approximately 28 times, with no reloading whatsoever.  And no he didn't reload off screen, as there was no time for him to do so.  It didn't even look like there were that many zombies even walking around.  I would have to assume he missed a few times off screen, because he sure as hell didn't miss on screen.

Also, apparently the Romero flicks exist in this movie, which I thought was a fine touch.  Then it was ruined by Combs talking about real zombie outbreaks that coincidentally took place during the times the Romero movies were made.  Maybe he was using  the  dates and places the movies took place in to placate his brother, but I don't know, and I don't care.  Oh, there's a zombie baby Tovar Jr. keeps in a beer fridge too, which is one of the biggest "wtf" moments, and is never shown again or explained.  Finally, don't think I didn't notice adding Re-Animation to the title, and having Jeffrey Combs in it.  The director wishes it was in the same league as any of the Re-Animator movies

I implore you, do NOT watch this movie.  If you've never taken my word on anything before, take it now.  I've lost precious time sitting through this, and my warning you against watching this is my early Valentine's Day gift to you.  I'm going to go scrub my brain with some good movies, and maybe some alcohol.  With any luck, the alcohol will kill the brain cells containing the memories of this flick.  Whew, I haven't gone off on a movie like this in a while. 

Movie Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Zombie Horror Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

-I'm Ken Bucklesworth, and I'm feeling generous with my stars today.

Twitter: @Boons Buckles  @KenBucklesworth  @Tallwhitefox

CRAP! Jan ' 12

So CRAP! is still a newer segment where we watch a film that unfortunately, does not allow us to maintain our usually level of film respect and love. A film that by all accounts and purposes is such an utter waste of time that we have to rant... reach out to the masses and hopefully prevent the you -aforementioned masses - from indulging in the horrible collage of disappointment and confusion... in short... we suffered through it so you don't have to...


BRANDED (2012)

Someone lied to me.
Some punk, and the punks that worked for him, and the punks that he works for... all of them lied to me.
I saw the trailer for this film.
Please, you know what, I will wait here... watch it...

Editors note: Please take the next 2 minutes and 29 seconds to review the aforementioned trailer... also known as the deep thick of endless lies. Thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ5p7l1hNuQ

Ok so if you watched that...
You now, more than likely, feel how I felt. Well, that looks interesting. All super dark, and twisted, and all about people messing with your mind, and one guy rising up against the evil corporation. Etc, etc...
And you know what... its all LIES!
Whoever did this trailer deserved a trophy of some kind... maybe several. Or at least a cookie. Not because he lied, no, no one deserves a cookie for lying... but because - How is the sweet hell he was able to create a trailer like that, from a film this... messed up, is honestly, amazing.

Obviously the film company saw this film and just stared at the screen for several minutes going Um, what was that. Then called up someone who I can only imagine is a close relation of Gandalf's and said, we need you to make people want to see this. Help us.

So here is the real plot.
Guy grows up to help marketing company take over Russia. He is also suppose to be spying on people. He gets really big, is a marketing Genius. Then he meets a girl, they fall in love. His boss screws him over. Then someone has a heart attack while they are arguing and he moves out into the country to leave it all behind. He then has a vision of sacrificing a red cow that will allow him to see the truth within the world. He does. He then makes it his mission to disassemble the art of advertising. Starting with the evil "Burger" corporation that has tricked Russia into wanting to be fat.

So you see that killer looking poster at the start of the segment? Here's how it looks in film...

While all that is happening, you will be treated to -
- Quite possibly the worst narration ever heard... in a film that it seems to take itself seriously.
-The legendary Max Von Sydow - who I think is on mount Olympus where he influences world trends um... just does a lot of really weird things.
-Brands that literally make war - before you go thinking it is... its not as cool as it sounds. And really, without covering too much more, a cow face in the sky speaking.

There is some real talent in this film. I'm not sure why, or how.

You know there might be some people out there that say this film has a strong message about the over saturation of our minds by ads, subliminal or otherwise, and our need as a society to put a stop to it. To those people I say this... Really? You think so? You think any person alive could miss that message. I have no problems with a message... and there are a few moments in there when I almost cared about the characters, or message... but just moments and they were lost while watching a man stare at a cow for 30 secs as it turns red.

I would be curious if the narration was even in the original script or if the studio begged to add something to help the viewer understand what the heck is happening. Not only is it hilariously out of place. But the actors have a way of staring into space, or standing still as it happens, almost like the off stage narration of a play.

The only thing that would have made this film enjoyable was if they actually played it for laughs. Maybe a certain large chinned hero in the lead lol... it may have worked then.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
(I don't even know what genre to put here. I guess I'll go with the trailer's suggestion)
Sci-fi movie scale 1out of 5 stars

I wonder if maybe the trailer was meant to make us think the movie was good as a further message about the power of advertising...
I hope not. I really, really hope not. There done. Don't want to talk about the horrid lies anymore.
But
I could go for a burger...

- Chuck B.

CRAP! (dec '12)

So what we have here is a bonified, fo reels, new category on the old Boony & Buckles resume. You see we have a rule here... finding merit in a film. Perhaps a film doesn't tickle our fancy, but we try to find pieces of awesome, and review on its standing as a film. So that those who might appreciate it need not be turned away by our genre prejudice. Hence our two rating scales. And the fact we respect the right to keep the plot mostly under wraps so that you might check it out if so inspired.
In other words we don't simply bash a film because it will never be on our personal shelf space. However...

However... sometimes there are simply films that are so bad... either in one aspect, or all... that it simply overrules that focus of calm and clever wit, over rant and rage... So here and now, I Charles B. Boonsweet (and on behalf of my equally awesome cohort, Ken K. Bucklesworth), debut for you... the film faithful, a new category meant to highlight the absolute worst that we come across. In short - the very very bad. The horrid. The painful to watch... the must be ranted on... The Crap!

And now, here, the film that brought this lovely new special into being...

TALES OF AN ANCIENT EMPIRE (2010)

Long ago in the 80s sword and sorcery was everywhere. Knights, and warriors, and barbarians, and warrior queens, and nude barbarian queens... and one film stood out amongst them... ok.. no, no that is a blatant lie - one film marginally held its head to the same level as the rest "The Sword and the Sorcerer". Over the years it has developed a certain following. And why not it had it all... A smooth talking hero. Boobs. Extreme violence. Demon King. Of course it also had one of the most unbalanced scripts ever, some very, very uneven acting, some horrid sets... but... dammit it a three blade sword didn't just balance all that out. Did I mention the hero "Talon" could shoot the blades? Yes. So very yes. I enjoyed this film, and at the end as many of the old adventure films did... there was a message

Talon will return in Tales of an Ancient Empire.

So, original film 1982... sequel... 2010. Confused, ya me too. But then I saw that it had the original actor that played Talon in it, and Kevin "why isn't Hercules on Bluray" Sorbo himself. So ya, worth checking out I thought. I understood the risk. I knew it was a B movie. I knew Sorbo was in it. So my expectations where for indie cheese, horrible effects, and charmingly awesome dialogue.

I was so wrong so very wrong.

The film opens with a title claiming Tale #1 ... blah blah. Some robbers resurrect a demon/vampire chick. Why is there a demon vampire chick? No idea. It would seem they thought the sorcerer in the first film was actually... a... sorceress, and um... a vampire. Ok. Then a couple minutes, Tale #2 blah blah, and there is a castle under attack, and then a princess must be whisked to safety. Several tales later, Vampire Queen has killed princesses sister and she is off to find a way for revenge. Tale whatever and some former good chick is now a vampire and having a neck suck threesome with her bodyguard/lover/oldmanstalker? Don't know. Then Sorbo shows up and is awesome. Really, and even more so than usual as he dwarfs all around him. Did I mention that the princess is like a super ninja, and the daughter of Talon? I think. And Sorbo is her brother... and then they gather a whole bunch of siblings to battle the demons.

Here is the thing this movie could have been awesome. Well, like B movie awesome. But why are there title chapters? Might I add why are there title chapters that occasionally forget to exist. No freaking idea. The nudity, the little there is is shot I think by a teenage boy, who has never handled a camera before... or seen a real breast. Here is one of those rare occasions where I can say, hands down, the director destroyed this film. The constant pointless cuts. The laughingly intense close ups... that close no laughter only eye rage. Um, here's an idea, buy knives with a retractable blade. They are at most dollar stores. You press them into the gut, and you have red come out. You know, one of the oldest tricks in the filmmakers guide to the galaxy. That way you won't need to zoom in on a square of fabric That is held tight and punctured with a blade, then cut to a character holding their stomach. While we're at it why are so many people stabbed in the abdomen?

What more, wanna know why this film inspired us to create this segment? Oh there's more Booniacs. The color for example. Picture a wet mess of of stone and black and then drop a neon convenience store sign on the scene (while of course keeping your camera one to two inches from the subject). The fights, are not fights, they are images that want to coexist but keep running into each other - repeatedly. Oh and then Talon shows up, or well the actor that played him, and makes out with one of Talons daughters...? Whaaaaaaaaa....

Oh right because Talon shows up at the end, after all the heroes have um, suddenly been incapacitated and our lying at the fight of the Vampires. Then there is Talon, in a cloak, and holding his giant three blade sword... So wait, what the hell was the point of having Lee Horsley even in this thing? None. No reason what so ever. And does the man in the cloak reveal himself? Nooooooo of course not... he fires his sword, in a dazzling display of CGI the likes of which this world has never seen. By dazzling I mean - stupefying. By likes of which this world has never seen I mean - thankfully. And by CGI I mean - give me and my laptop 5 minutes and I can do it better. Yes, 1982 did it better. No joke. Then um, two vamps die, one flies away screaming it isn't over, and um... that's it. And I realize, a moment before it is done... it's not done. Nope. To Be Continued. You see at the beginning it said there were like 47 tales... and we only got through 9, 12, ah who cares....

This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And folks, I have watched things that late night drive in channels avoid lol... Quite possibly the worst film direction you will ever see. Sorbo you gave it your best, and the lead actress... she was cute, and had a few moments... and it was hard to appreciate her what with the lens inches from her face, and cutting across the room every 3 to 3.7 seconds...

Also, Worst fangs Ever!

CRAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!

Movie scale 0.5 out of 5 stars
Sword and sorcery scale 1 out of 5 stars.

Why even call this film Tales of an ancient empire... why have Talon in it? Why CGI the three blade sword. Why Sorbo... why....

Chuck Boonsweet... concluding CRAP #1.

Hope you guys enjoy the new segment and we got ourselves a twitter... brand new... fresh for all you Booniacs and Buckleheads... so check it out to stay in the loop... @BoonsBuckles