CRAP! (Oct' 2013)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (2013)

Here we are again. CRAP! Everyones favorite rant, rage, filled movie column... where we here at Boonsweet and Bucklesworth, take the hit for you. Suffering through some horrid offerings from the world of filmed entertainment. Be warned, we step outside our usual to give you spoilers, and major plot points... all because, well, we are trying to save you from the experience. Though hey, some of you crazy crappy film lovers out there, might still jump in... and take the risk... That is up to you... all we can do, is warn... ENJOY :)

You know when people are all "Why they gotta remake that movie? Why can't they just leave that there classic alone?" Well, if you have followed me (and I mean all the cool kids do), then you know I am usually the guy going "Hold up. I wanna see what they do. And hey it don't matter if it sucks I can always throw my original in the ol' bluray player". Ya that's usually me. Mister upside (keeping in mind I am currently typing this here ongoing CRAP segment lol)

But... Embrace of the Vampire? I mean, what the Deuce?! Anyone else remember this flick? It was a straight to video erotic/softcore horror vamp flick that had one HUGE (well ok Two well sized) things going for it... Alyssa Milano was smack dab in the middle of her sweet girl rebellion (before she gave it all up, kept her clothes on and started the NFL girls clothing line - No joke there). And she was all kinds of naked in this flick. I remember being a teenager, and to say the original had a... um... profound impact on me would be an understatement. But... I mean... no one will argue that it's anything close to a classic.

So what in the sweet hell are we doing here in the middle of a review for a remake? The answer Booniacs and Buckleheads... is I have no freaking idea. Actually trying to understand why... My head starts to feel like I shouldn't have double fisted the ice cream...

Plot: Goody two shoes scholarship girl goes to high end university... by way of fencing. There she will discover sex, and booze, and love, and her possible connection to a vampire mythology.

Hey, at least the fangs fit. I mean, that's something. 

K. First, I can not explain how boring the first 34 minutes of this film are. Nothing happens. I mean nothing. Girl goes to school, meets people. Catches roomate naked, there's someone else naked... rookie hazing... seriously, so boring. If you're asking - But how can boobs be boring? I understand, I do... but its just not enough. I can deal with average acting, below average acting.... But gosh just try to make it fun. Then minutes 34-38 are sexy. And live up a little to the soft core glory of the mid 90s. But then... back to the boring. I mean near the end they go camping and things start to speed up... and I'm thinking well hey, we could be in for a solid closing 15 minutes of sexy vampire slashing here... no. No. A couple minutes then its back to snail pace boredom.

So how about the lead, the sexy good girl, that will be lead to the darkside... or will she? Well I don't know that much about Sharon Hinnindael. She seems to have a few horror adventures under her belt, but I can say that she is not quite able to handle this film. Oh she seems fine with the sexy parts... but its the playing innocent she can't pull off. For instance there is a "The showers spray blood" blood scene in here. She looks like an actress on set, tired of being soaked in red after take 37. She does not however look like a good girl should when bathed in a sudden surprise of blood... terror maybe... maybe fear. Anything really.

The fencing team? Listen I am not dissing fencing. I mean, obviously... we've all spent hours... working on our sword work... BUT... really fencing? And they make the team out to be all jockish, and you know, exactly the behaviour you'd see from a football team or something. Hazing and all. I just don't buy it... for a second. I mean a school that gives out scholarships for fencing... anyone think those people would be forcing the rookies to drink till they fall of chairs and strip? It just doesn't fit. I mean tennis, hockey, hell I'll even take polo... but listening to a coach give an intense speech about swords being created through fire... and her taking her moment. I actually laughed.

I know. I'll find all the answers i need in 3 pages of this book... Ya. 

I mean Charlotte is sexy, no doubt, but really... interesting, sexy enough to have everyone... falling for her... No. Not at all. Alyssa Milano in the original.... well I mean come on it is miss who's the boss here.

Really though. I can't believe I'm saying it but this film actually makes the original look like a masterpiece. Serious... cheesy, sexy, weird, and was fun. In its own 90s way. This film is awkward. And flat. I mean just flat. They throw in the sex for sure... but... that's it, anything between is like like a soap opera interlude. Oh and like 20 minutes of the film are actually scenes that are followed by her waking up and realizing its all a dream. Hahaha. What a twist!

listen, maybe the erotically charged films of the 90s are no longer valid. Porn is a google search away, the kids know everything before they get off their big wheel... the mystery is gone. The sexy covers that drew peeps to the movie shop shelves are no more... heck the freaking shelves are no more...

But... you can do better than this. Sex still sells, but it has to be packaged better than this.

The writer obviously thinks he's clever... setting up a twist, and another twist... etc. Only you really don't care at all. Oh wait, he's actually a Vampire... gosh... crazy. And the explanation on the vampire thing... is ridiculous. You know what - Here: If a vampire finds a virgin in the blood line of the original vampire that made them, they can use that pure blood to transform back to a human. The issue being then the virgin suffers for all eternity in hell. Yup. All about that fine print peeps. There's also something else about using a vampires blood to protect the child of a vampire by pouring the blood of the vampire into the veins... or something, I can't even be bothered to watch that part again.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Look. There is sexy. Though. Not that much really. Like maybe 5 minutes of a 91 minute film... that is really suppose to be relying on sex and violence I would think. So how about violence. Well, it is practical. And that is very cool. Neck ripping all that. But again, really not that much of it.

So recap. Bland acting. Horrible writing. I am in an example mode here.

Roommate: I get it you're life is tougher than most. Maybe you should take a break.
Charlotte (standing up, in uber daytime drama mode: You walk a minute in my shoes and than try to tell me that.

I mean some of the worse dialogue I've seen on screen in a while. A movie marketed as an R-rated sexy bloody good time... with almost no sexy, or bloody. I just... ya... one sec... I need shake my head disapprovingly. There.... ya... thats good.

People maybe you like boobs enough to risk ignoring a CRAP review... perhaps you have grown up a lifetime fan of Sharon's. Hey, I can't stop you. I can only say there is little to nothing that makes this film worth watching. If you're drunk enough, maybe you get some laughs... but, there's better ways people.

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror Scale 1.5 out of 5 stars

Boonsweet confession time. I still own a version of the Original. Alyssa Milano crush? Why yes, thank you.

Also final rant thought (Hey we only do one of these CRAP! things a month, gotta get it out) the ending... I mean really... Sigh.

Boonsweet is moving on, and hopefully up.

Also as a quick side note. This here is my 200th post I do believe. Hey maybe not as epic as the first century mark, but still very cool. Thank you to all you crazy Booniacs, and Buckleheads, for the support. Its been blowing my mind all you whack nut film lovers from around the terra firma take time outta your candy rainbow filled days to show me some love. Back at you, you crazy bastards! Kinda wish it had been a cooler flick... but hey, that was some 200th post worthy ranting :) 

Still on point you celluloid creatures of cool.  

-Later.