Oh sweet bloody brain munching awesomeness

DIARY OF THE DEAD (2008)

Zombie fans, unite, partake of the alcohol, partake of the party, the (arguably) Godfather of the genre is back, and I tell you now, it does not suck.

Okay so what happen to Mister "Night of the Living Dead" last time out? Well he made a little film called "Land Of the Dead", starring, as I am sure you could have guessed by the wonderfully straight forward title, zombies. Difference between this and his (insert choir) "Living Dead Trilogy" [Night, Dawn, Day] was that someone gave him a budget. Okay, Romero with a budget? I was worried but the film was actually pretty decent until, oh my god, until the last thirty seconds, when, after surviving waves of the undead, the lone heroes of the film, armed with a super tank thing, come across a large group of Zombies. There, faced with the chance to re-dead the undead horde, for whatever reason, they decide that the dead, well "They're just looking for a place of their own"... and they freaking let them go. My brain broke, my heart exploded with betrayal... on so on. How could Romero do something like that? His statement has always been an examination of us as a civilization, our brutality, hate. Never has there been a doubt that dead things, are well, dead. And hence, deserve to be underground, not given a reservation... so finally Romero returns, back to his roots, no money, crank up the make up gore... and do this.

Film follows a group of film students, who, on the eve of the Zombie outbreak (how? No explanation needed, zombies are here, and go...), head out in a large motor home. First destination, collect one's girlfriend, and then help for an injured ally. Things go gradually down hill, and much more gory once they get to the hospital, where they all begin to accept what's happening. From there they embark towards the home a girl's parents, that they be travelling with. As imagined they meet all kinds of people and situations along the way. Military become thieves, gang bangers and others uniting, and taking over a town. A kick ass Amish mute deaf guy, who might just be the best small role in a horror flick I have seen in quite sometime. Eventually, they find themselves at a friends, trying to decide the next, if not final move, as zombie hordes close in.

The gore in this film is fantastic, I mean your usual zombie stuff, head shots, neck blood chunkness. But Romero really cranked it up here, finding all kinds of inventive ways to off folks... I think the heart charger paddle things to the head, and exploding (I'll let you guess) was just swell. And the Amish guy, well, he has that grim reaper blade on a stick thing, that a can't seemed to remember how to spell, but you can imagine the fun there.

Film is directed brilliantly. It is shot first person through a handheld camera, but they tell you at the beginning they've edited, and added sound effects to make the film more realized, and effective. So basically you get cheap hand held technique, but still get the soundtrack, and cool TV clips of the zombie apocalypse, worked in. Brilliant. Romero has you on the edge of your seat more than once, playing around, jumping from handheld camera, to recovered security camera footage. Just fun to watch what a great director can do in his zone, and with more than a little freedom. The writing is bang on for the most part, as per the usual, George "A+" Romero, he gets a lot out of a fairly unknown cast.

If you like zombie flicks, I pretty sure this will find a way on to your shelf. Blood, scares, typical social commentary, and a really enjoyable pace, and plot. 

Dig it bitches, dig it.

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Horror/Zombie scale 4.5 out of 5 stars

One of the greats, reminds us why he is that damn good.

Boony is happy, covered in zombie remains, and hungry, lata bitches

Not freaking funny

FUNNY GAMES U.S. (2008)

Do not watch this piece of crap movie...

You know for a while, and if I had written this review yesterday, that would have been my entire review. No rating, nothing, just that. Then after thinking on it a bit I figured what the hell, I might as well tell you a wee bit as to why I feel this way. Now, as most of the Booniacs out there know, I try to avoid spoilers as much as possible, in this case I do not care. I have not been this pissed at a flick in a long time.

Let's start with the good. The acting is brilliant. I mean five star brilliant, across the board. Tim Roth, and Naomi Watts, are great, and the supporting cast is fantastic. The directing which at first looks to be as awesome, will eventually just piss you off. I get that this director has a real hard on for focusing on the reactions to something, rather than the audience being able to see for them selves... but you know, I'm sitting here, I have eyes, I wanna see the damn thing, and have my own reactions. As well, he seems to enjoy just leaving the camera perched looking at, say, a house. For a whole minute before we see the characters come into frame.

Okay here we go... Rich, likable, family goes to their cottage. Where creepy Michael Jackson fans (I say this only because of the white gloves) take them hostage, and play some very serious, life and death games. So as mentioned, usually when something violent happens, the camera is focused on someones reaction... Husband getting stabbed, we see wife cry, hear him scream, that short of shizzie. At first cool, then just annoying. And every so often the main bad guy will say something to the camera. At first cool, but in conjunction with the ending, stupid, stupid, stupid. So these bad guys are not funny, not cool, hip, or anything. They're just evil, and annoying as hell, you hate them. Then they blow the head of an eight year old boy with a double barrel shot gun and you hate them more. Movie is full of tense, nail biting moments... and I must say, had my undivided attention until... well until this happen...

Mom gets hold of their gun about 3 quarters of the way in to the film, after her son is killed, and blasts one of the two with their own gun. My friend and I both jumped off the couch, arms raised. Because at that point you want them to die so bad. Then the other Bad guy left, takes the gun away from her, and starts screaming "Where's the remote?" He finds the television remote and ... I can feel the stupidity rage raising in me... rewinds the movie. That's right, right in the middle of a wickedly realistic film. Intense, involved, son of a bitch pulls an Adam Sandler 'click' moment and rewinds the film to before his friend was shot, then takes the gun out of reach of the wife, telling her she's not allowed to do that. Then he shots her husband, and they take her out into the lake and kill her.

When he rewound the film, my buddy stood up, told me to shut the piece of s--- off. I watched it to the end. Apparently these guys are god, because not only did that bastard rewind reality, but then they notice the wife trying to cut her ropes on the boat and throw her over board. While on the boat they have a stupid discussion of reality vs. film and the lines between, obviously some zen moment to explain the retardedness I had just witnessed... I really didn't care by that point. Boonsweet's middle finger was raised. 

Now I get the director/writer's theme here. You are not in control, you will watch what you are allowed to watch. But they have control. They can do what ever they want and all you can do is watch, deciding for yourself whether they are reality... or something like that. Who cares. Perhaps some of the best screen performances I have seen in years, wasted on a directors love with his own "genius". I can just see this guy saying things like, "The idea of this film is to take the power from the audience. To have them feel as weak and unable as the family".... blah blah... I hate you. I hate your film. And I am sure this is the most unprofessional I have ever been, but god I hate self indulgent crap like this.

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars (purely for the performances)

C.B.B. is moving on to something better, maybe with ninjas.... lata  

Depp the neck slicin' music man...hmmm

SWEENEY TODD (2008)

Burton is god. Well okay not 'the' god (Buddha, Allah, Christ, whatevs your poison may be), but he definitely has a cloud on Olympus reserved. I mean, Batman, Beetlejuice, Nightmare before Christmas, Sleepy Hollow, etc, etc. The list is extensive (despite the occasional falling, 'Planet of the Apes' for example) and almost entirely rocking. The guy is a strange looking, Helen Bonham Carter sex having, whacked out movie making fool. And his following is extensive, as is the fanbase for his, often, partner in crime, the legend himself Johnny "Don't call me Cry baby" Depp.

Arguably Depp is one of the greatest actors of our generation, or any for that matter. His talents are in full display here. So first, do you like musicals? If not, this film will either win you over, or you will forever be unconvinced of the musicals place in modern film. I mean there is a chance the strange factor, buckets of blood, and Depp, might be just be enough to win you over. Depp plays a former barber master, who hooked up with uber hot blonde. The local creepy bad guy (played by the ever so wonderfully evil, Alan Rickman), the Judge, makes up some charge, and ships Depp off to a black hole prison somewhere on false charges, so that he can get his wife.

15 years later Depp returns as the revenge driven Sweeney Todd, finding his wife dead, and his daughter grown and in possession of his nemesis, the Judge (who actually intends on marrying the 15 year old). He opens a barber shop with a creepy pie maker, Helen, and he begins to thin London's population care of neck slicin' shaving jobs. And then Helen bakes them into London's new hit pies. A side plot of a young sailor that rode with Depp to London pursuing his grown daughter, much to the dismay of the Judge.

The blood shed is extreme, the film is distinctively creepy, Depp is awesome, as are the supporting cast. And the singing is good... I never did see the play it is based on, but I have been assured by a few friends that have, that it is a great stage to screen transfer. So did I like this film? I am so torn. On the one hand the film is a great time, Burton and Depp, on the top of their game... on the other hand, the singing just annoyed the hell out of me. Now I love musicals, okay, if done right, they can be quite the great little passing of time, and the thought of a blood soaked Burton musical made my left nut tingle. But my pet peeve with musicals is when the characters sing every thing, like every plain Jane sentence has to be sung. Like I want to explain how I walked to the door and back... why say it when I can sing and dance it. God at some parts I was like, shut up and talk dammit. There is maybe 17 sentences of non singing in this film, I understand the play is sing sing sing, but this is a film. Sitting in a theatre and watching people dance across the stage is lost in the transfer, and the continual singing has a tendency to really take you out of the film. 

I'm sure folks are already getting out their angry thumbs and fingers, and getting ready to hate mail me on this, well bring it douches, i have no inbox, wha ha ha ha ha (I think the evil laugh loses something in the transfer). I am sure with the production, and directional flare of Burton, as well as the plot, this film will find itself (and rightfully so) to cult status in no time, but it is not a favorite of mine. Just too much high pitched plot singing. Too much. 

(Picture me singing this, while dancing) "OOoooooo, I must now go, my review is done, it was fun, and long because I type slow.... Ooooooo, hopefully you laughed, so hard your seventh drink made a splash, have no fear, shed not a tear, Chuck B. Boonsweet is here... and this bitch bees goin no where... 

movie scale 3 out of 5 stars

Cult status 3.5 out of 5 stars

Oh look out for Sacha (Sexy time Borat) Cohen, he was fantastic in a small supporting role.

The kung fu boot to face, neck choppin' Kingdom

FORBIDDEN KINGDOM (2008)

Kung Fu is fantastic. Some of the old horribly dubbed classics still hold a warm squishy place in my chest area, "The Five Deadly Venoms", "Fist of Fear, Touch of Death" (the good one not the crap karate comp one), "Master of the Flying Guillotine", and so many others, that the quality of the chops and kicking action, made up for any other flaw. Plus I mean how sweet is it in bad dubbed English to hear, "Hmmm, you're kung fu is strong". I mean insert the word 'force' and we gots us some Jedi shit bitches.

In today's world of very much lacking kung fu, there are two giants that have been entertaining us for years, Jackie Chan, and Jet Li. Jackie though in his later years has drifted from the stunt driven kung fu that made him, in favor of shitty wire work American films (bad Jackie, bad, bad Jackie), while Jet Li, has managed to maintain a consistently enjoyable level of film (Fearless, Hero, etc)... but all that doesn't matter. They are legends both, and for years I, and all other kung fu junkies on the planet have begged for it and finally, finally, it is here... Both, in one awesome little package.

"The Forbidden Kingdom" rocks. Plain and simple. The plot is as such, white kung fu fanboy in New York, has run in with bullies and cute old asian man, ends up transported to ancient china with a magic rod, that belongs to the "Monkey King". And he's not to happy about it, but then he meets a master of drunken Kung Fu, Jackie Chan, and a musical hair weapon ninja, and together they set out to see his mission through, and teach his white ass some Kung Fu. 

Between them and their goal, super ninja villains, and an army in funny gold helmets. So movie is cruising, and I want it so bad, and then I got it... Jet vs. Jackie Chan... sweet lord feel my nipples harden.

Their fight makes the movie worth the price of admission by itself. Its about 7-8 minutes long, and boy freaking howdy is it sweet. All my years of kung fu worship, ha, finally paying off. I was smiling through it let me tell you. Anyway after that little dance, jet Li joins the crew and they all head onward to the big show down at Five elements mountain. Along the way of course having many jaw dropping fu action sequences. Did I mention the montage? Did I freaking mention the montage?! Yes, it has to be at least ten years since I got to see a skinny white kid in a kung fu learnin' montage, too fab. The direction, and fights are fantastic. Music is solid old school. All around great production.

You know I'm sure some folks might hate on the loser white kid training to be a hero. But really, he doesn't do too much to get in the way of Jet and Jackie's shizzie, and his little ending actually felt pretty dang good. If you like the Fu, get off your ass and see this film, if you don't like the Fu, but trust my taste in film without question, get off your ass and see this film, ha, and maybe just maybe it will back a foot chop to face believer of you.

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Kung Fu scale 4.5 out of 5 stars (jet vs, Jackie, come on... How can I hate)

Boony is out this peace beyotch.

Oh you virgins you... hee hee

VIRGIN TERRITORY (2007)

I have never heard about this film, well, never had, rather, until it dropped in my lap. Really, messed up bit of business really, fairies, lawyers, anyway... So I imagine the majority of y'all ain't seen this here grouping of moving pictures either, but then is that not why you turn to dear old Charles B. Boonsweet... I think so.

Hayden C, Hayden, Hayden, my, my, how I am growing to enjoy your acting (cough and swallow) abilities. They are growing on me. So, do you like swords? Did you like "A Knight's Tale"? Do you like boobs? If you answered yes to at least two of the above three questions, odds are you will enjoy "Virgin Territory".  Story is as such, sword guy Hayden, wins fairly against big bad guy, Tim "I eat children for breakfast" Roth. Timmy decides he should die for that. Hayden manages to hide in a Nunnery, as a deaf mute handy man. While that is going on the ever so sot after Mischa Barton, resident rich, super hot girl, is in a state, as her parents have died of the plague, and the local bad guy, mister Roth (Fresh from hunting Hayden), wants a piece of her before her arranged marriage shows up, a count from Russia.

While at the Nunnery Hayden has sex with all the nuns, yes all... and let me tell you, this film here, a wee bread crumb of the naughty. Boobs, and boobs. So then Mischa ends up hiding out as a nun, in the same Nunnery, where she discovers Hayden... While that is happening Count shows up for wife to be (turning out to be a rather entertaining dude) and mixes it up with the Roth. And from there we have fake priests, sex slave traders, a very funny scene with a cow, more sex, some romantic cheese, some very entertaining narration... and a showdown or two.

Oh there is much to be said for swords, and the fighting with them, and this film has that, but really you will laugh out loud a few times during this film. It's pure fun. One liners, sex, good looking actors, a modern rock soundtrack, damsels in distress... ha, you get the dang idea. The writing is a great time, and you get the sense the leads are having a great time in the roles, including Mischa (please forgive me for that death scene on the OC) Barton. Though for the record, she is the only female I think to keep her clothes on. I swear if not for all the boobs and such this really had the feel of an old school Disney sword romp, in a really good way. My favorite moment, watching a man knock another man out by beating him with a chicken, worth the price of admission right there kiddies... 

Direction is great, a real flare for the moment, and with the budget, they get miles out of what I'm sure was a tight purse. The music as mentioned, is a rocking good time. I get real tired of period pieces with the same damn classical music rising up behind scenes. Acting is good, not great, but good. The priest is priceless, and I mean when's the last time you got to enjoy the sexploitation factor of naughty nuns? Hmm? yeah its been too long.

Enjoy folks a real diamond in the rough type thing ...

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Boony out bitches

Food poisoning

THE COOK (2008)

Ah the glory days of the slasher still live in the underbelly of the independent film community. Wait did I say glory days, I meant the tradition of cranking out uber violent sex filled attempts at film that occasionally entertain. The Cook came close folks it really... well ok, let me start at the beginning here. 

So, sorority house full of damn fine ladies (by independent standards they really out did them selves, I mean so of these ladies are mighty fine), a replacement cook shows up. While they party, screw, mingle, and one good one tries to study, he systematically offs them. Then, in particularly violent ways, grinds them into meat and feeds them in fancy dishes to the remaining house guests. Unaware they are eating their friends. The whole situation made more strange by the fact that the Cook can't speak English. So there are some interesting scenes where he's talking to a girl about how he's going to kill her friends (care of subtitles) while she giggles and says, "i have no idea what you're saying". Oh cute soon to be dead English girl.

Okay, first, this movie could have been cool. I mean that. Hot chicks, with much, unashamedly so, nudity, blood, a psychotic psycho... I mean all the chocolate chips are there for a mighty fine cookie. Oh but there are mighty big problems. First the budget did not hold this movie back... make up looked good, setting being one house, really won't notice the cheapness that much, other than in the acting. Definitely got the "D" team. But really I mean who needs the girls to act in a film like this, they just need to be cute, de-clothe and die, and boy howdy are they good at that (I especially enjoyed the tormented catholic girl who gives in to her desires to be dominated by her lesbian neighbor, only to end up naked and chained up, at the mercy of the Cook). The problems start with the writing, my freaking god. Since ol' Boony here has dabbled in the art of screen play let me make you aware of a problem I came across early in my writing; Writing chicks like they were dudes. And sweet Mary does it annoy the crap out of me. Women can be dirty, women can love sex, but women, for the most part anyway, do not talk like guys. Meaning sex this, f--- hoe that, sex sex sex, masturbate this, whore that. I swear the whole movie I was like, yeep, guy wrote this. I mean if I hadn't seen them all naked I might have actually thought these sex crazed hoes were hombres.

Serious try to sit through this film with a chick, I give her about three minutes before she says something about the girls being insanely, impossibly slutty. Yes we all wish women were like this... they're not. Second major issue with this film, what the hell it wanted to be. Does it wanna be a serious little B slasher, or a campy classic? It seems to lose itself often, never quite wanting to commit to one genre or another. I mean the killer is completely over the top (painfully so at some points), but then the humor is pretty sparse at some points... and there's what i can only assume was suppose to be some attempt at character development, plus they do through in the whole "We'll make a sequel, if you let us" at the end. 

I don't know, cool idea, gone wrong with horrible writing, some weak directing. Can't even be saved with hot naked chicks and blood shed, and I mean shit that saved like at least 327 movies during the 80s... Oh it makes me smile....

Movie scale 1 out of 5 stars

Horror/slasher scale 2.5 out of 5 stars (only because off the blood and TNA... that is all, and if you're wondering if there is that much, yeep there is, because without it we were looking at a 1.0 here)

-Chuck B. Boonsweet

Shine that tin bitch up

TIN MAN (2007)

This is a movie based on "The Wizard of Oz"... not a remake, a re-imagining. It was a three part special on the Sci-Fi channel in the good ol' U S of A. So I will start by saying this, wow is this a complete perversion of the "Wizard of Oz", and I mean that in the best possible way. Serious. Watching the absolute off the wall insanity that is "Tin Man" is something of a guilty pleasure. The plot goes a little something like this, DG (otherwise known as Dorthy Gale version 2.0) gets sucked into the "O.Z." after the wicked witch Queen of the whatever sends her goons in a transportation tornado to collect her. When she arrives in OZ she finds what I believe are Indian/munchkins. Then she meets "Glitch",  a wack job that had his brain removed by the queen. Then they meet up with a man, held prisoner by a giant suit of armor thing, that turns out to be a cop, and cops in OZ are called "Tin men". You follow? No? Its okay. I wouldn't either if I hadn't watched the damn thing. Ok so other than that they meet a creature future seer guy called "Raw" (your cowardly lion stand in), together they set out to solve the riddles of DG, and save OZ. 

Along the way meeting robots, magic, and Richard Dreyfus (in a wondrous and all too short appearance) as a stoned Wizard... oh you see what I mean by perversion. Let us move on.

I enjoyed this adventure. The effects are not great, pretty standard TV level, and better effects would have helped, but there were still a few cool Ooooo's and Ahhhh's. The story moved me from hate to love to annoyed as crap with the acting abilities of the lead, to liking her in the end. I don't know, it was all over the map. However one thing I can say for sure, I enjoyed the absolute, unrestrained, creativity, when challenging a beloved classic. You can tell they got the green light and rolled with it, almost making it as out of control insanity as possible. 

I love my fantasy adventures, and though this in no way deserves to be in the top whatever in that category (mostly due to the acting and writing) it is a fun romp through the imagination. Do not hold this against the original OZ, it is not meant to be taken as a remake, it's an entirely new story, even... and I do try to avoid spoilers... dropping a few ties (in a very unexpected moment) to the original.

So enjoy it for what it is, crazy dumb fun. The one thing that just bugged me beyond reason, everyone constantly referring to OZ as the O-Z. No matter how I tried to avoid it, it sounded like the O-C to me... maybe they thought it was hip. Hipness revoked, just annoying. But get past that you might have some silly fun.

Movie scale 2.5 stars out of 5 stars

fantasy scale 2.5 out of 5 stars